for 15 May 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

Terry Colon
Art Director

Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Joey Anuff
Publisher

It's just not fair to leave countefactual analysis to the head doctors. If you want to change the past, just do it! We CAN win the Vietnam War. All you need to revise history is a little gumption. Start by infiltrating electronic encyclopedias, then fabricate an obscure PBS documentary. Population statistics are key. Don't forget Oscar Wilde-the one duty we owe to history is to rewrite it.

- leeza

From Plastic

My confidence in the power of counterfactuals has been strong ever since I saw some guy trying to make small talk with a German woman in a bar. His icebreaker was to ask if she'd ever seen Fatherland, the HBO movie where the Germans win World War II. She seemed to keep talking to him, at any rate. So there you go — even a lonesome fraulein abroad can dream!

Sucksters

I can even imagine the Saracens winning the Crusades a thousand years ago, but "Cop Rock" being a success? Dream on.

Cynical in Constantinople

From Plastic

I don't know, Cynical. I'm fully willing to believe that Cop Rock was just a show ahead of its time, and our failure to appreciate it was our fault.

A more interesting question: What if nobody had watched ABC's historic airing of The Day After? Nobody would have any idea that nuclear was is bad! People would be going around saying "Huh, nothing like a little nuclear war to start the day off right!"

Sucksters

Tiny Little Penis 5.7.01

Dear Tiny Little Penis,

"These angry, dysfunctional intellectualizers spend most of their time slicing and dicing their experiences in their minds. Everything that happens to them is transformed almost immediately into a detailed, dramatic story. Every challenge they face has several different interpretations, with a wide range of causes, people to blame, people who don't get it, along with all the reasons and causes surrounding why they don't get it, why shit, in general, happens, and a myriad of metaphors to each and every example, experience, wave of emotion, etc. In other words, these people are writing all the time, in their heads. In other words, these people are insufferable fuckers."

WOW! This sounds like me. Especially the dysfunctional part. And I am definitely angry. I'm not a writer though. I still feel, however, that I have not found my true career path. Instead I have been struggling in the tediousness of the special effects industry. I'm hoping that animation will be my salvation from utter boredome, if not a higher paycheck. Perhaps this is not my true calling though. Maybe I should become a writer. I'm not sure. What should I do? How can I find out if writing is my true career path?

Dysfunctional and angry,

Scott

Dear Scott,

Is writing your true career path? No, because writing isn't a career path. Technical writing is a career path. PR writing is a career path. Magazine editing is a career path. Writing a novel is about as safe a bet, career-wise, as interpretive dancing. For this reason, you have to make your decision about whether or not to write based on whether or not you find yourself wanting to write.

When you feel lonely and anxious, do you write? Do you have notebooks with your writing in them around the house? Do you type fast? Do you ever write something and chuckle over how clever or insightful it is? Do you enjoy being alone for long stretches of time? Is your stomach tolerant to very strong coffee?

If you're thinking about writing, spend some time writing. My hunch, based on your letter, is that you don't necessarily want to make writing your sole source of income. You may well make a very good writer down the road, but for right now, you're just dysfunctional, angry, and wondering about what your true career path is. I'd say your first step is to go see a therapist.

Or you could just get really into gaming. Whichever.

Your friend,

Tiny Little Penis

Dear TLP,

I can't believe your email address is actually tinylittlepenis@thesuck.net. There's no way you're a man.

If you are a man, you must be huge!

Randy B.

Dear Randy,

Whatever works for you, buddy. Go ahead and visualize whatever floats your boat.

Best wishes,

Tiny Little Penis