for 23 May 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

Terry Colon
Art Director

Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Joey Anuff
Publisher

Ok, after today's column you now have my respect again. But then all you have to do nowadays to earn it from me is 1) know your Latinate and/or Greekesque affixes and 2) be able to convincingly reference "moisture gestures" (palms hovering over cheeks in an uplifting-circling motion or delineating the "T Zone".) And it works for ANY idea-free product or service! For example:

Body Shop: It revitalizes, AND it emoxulates. (moisture gesture)

Rolo: It promasculates, AND it enmusculizes. (delineate large testicular sac ; flex biceps)

Derrida/Foucault: It deconstructs, AND it reifies. (ASL for "bullshit" appropriate)

Two Bong Hit: It perseverates*, AND it promulgates*. (dreamy, fluttery inexact "like" hands)

* denotes actual word. See OED.

Do you see what I mean? Why did I not take that job in Miami for a marketing firm, naming new products? And to think you're getting this aesthetapeutic brainfart for free.

P.S. I think "two bong hit" is the punch line to some REALLY funny joke involving the PRC, in case you need to milk this for another week. Don't credit me, sweetcakes, just be a dear and use that someplace, k?

Justa documentin' and testifyin',

Andrew
<slithe@speakeasy.org>

Please imagine me making dreamy, fluttery inexact "like" hands while reading your letter — although I think ASL for "wanking" is more appropriate for a Derrida reference, don't you?

Q: Why did the moron throw two bongs out the window?

A: Because he wanted to see two bong hit the ground!

Is that what you had in mind? Or is insulting morons currently frowned upon? (ASL for "bullshit") Or is your T-zone so oily you can't concentrate? (moisture gesture). Hey, same here, man!

Oilier than ever,

Polly

Yah, whatever. Shakespeare, Shmakespeare. Polly, my love, are you feeling all right? Is a sabbatical in order? Why not come north and get lost in the Canadian wilds for a summer and recharge your batteries? Hey, the Canadian wilds are good enough for Mike Moriarty, Goldie Hawn, Kurt Russell, et al. It would be great. But bring bug repellent. And wet-weather gear. And boots. And a shotgun. A big one, at that. No, it would be for the mosquitoes the repellent doesn't work against. Trust me. See you soon.

Will Murray
<Will.Murray@EC.GC.CA>

Will, it's nice to know that you'll murray some day, but who will you murray?

Q: Why did the moron throw Will Murray out the window?

A: Because he wanted to see Will Murray hit the ground.

Goddamn, that's funny!

Polly

Your Chinese translation does not match the characters. And for good measure, your "Chinese" includes some Japanese phonetic symbols.

BTD

Yes, well, Terry doesn't know Chinese. Short of firing him and hiring an illustrator who also knows Chinese, I'm not sure what to do, since I'm no longer dating someone at etranslate.

Effortlessly offensive,

Polly

I noticed in the last couple of months that Filler often points to old Fish (though with-it as I am, I know to just edit the URL to today's date). Today I finally bothered to write you about it (you'll note that today's Fish link points to Monday).

If this is some technical detail that's out of your hands, I do apologize for bothering you, but it definitely happens more to Filler than to Suck in general so I thought I'd start here.

Allen K.

Thanks Allen. I never noticed that and apparently neither has anyone here. Please, someone, anyone, be like Allen and bug me if there's a problem like this in the future. I'm far too busy writing Moron Jokes to take care of all the little details. I'm not very detail-oriented either, as should be plainly obvious.

Q: Why did the moron throw the non-detail-oriented moron out the window?

A: Because he didn't update the link to the Fish page.

Oh, the comedy!

Effortlessly unfunny,

Polly

Polly,

Thanks for a nice simple funny Filler this week. Even if next week you venture back into the office soap opera and Writer vs. Reader games that were just about to grow tedious, you gave us this one. I could read it in less than five minutes, it didn't refer gratuitously to other episodes (X-file syndrome) and paranoid Communist Chinese officials will always be funny...well, the Chinese will, anyway.

You always know just where it itches,

Malfred
<maelliot@hsc.vcu.edu>

I do NOT know where it itches! Perv!

Itch it yourself, pervmeister!

Scratchily,

Polly

Subject: Filler eases the pain

Dear Polly,

Having been recently laid off by an internet start-up, my Wednesdays for the past month have been filled with movies on cable, trips to the