for 29 May 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

Terry Colon
Art Director

Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Joey Anuff
Publisher

Dear Magua:

Congratulations. You are completely wrong. It is no small thing to be completely wrong since, by definition, it is exactly as hard as being completely right. Anyway...

1. Tuxedos are immensely practical. They match whatever your lady is wearing or not wearing and require absolutely no thought to choose in the closet. While she is agonizing, or shopping yet again, you wear the same thing year in and year out.

2. Tuxedos make men look good. That cummerbund (or vest, if you prefer) covers up a range of midsection problems. You get to pick a collar that makes your face look good as well.

3. Tuxedos provide just enough freedom of choice to let a man think he's doing something show-offy without being any trouble. You can choose the color of your vest/cummerbund. You can choose your studs and cufflinks, or not use them at all. You can wear patent leather or be wild and crazy and wear cowboy boots...the sillier and more expensive the better.

4. Tuxedos are egalitarian. Mostly they look alike. Looking good is usually a matter of less is more. What's more, you don't ever wear a watch with one, and you avoid tacky-looking giant diamond studs, so you're actually walking around with less money visible than the typical Rolex-wearing yuppie.

5. The bowtie provides both a romantic and a usefully touching moment in a relationship. Since no real man can actually tie a bowtie himself (and a clip-on bowtie is an abomination), you let your lady tie it and twitch it around and generally adjust it. Not only does she enjoy this, it keeps her from trying to organize the rest of your evening and your life.

6. A tuxedo is comfortable. It fits loosely, and the interfaces are covered with cummerbunds or vests. The belief that a tuxedo is uncomfortable is caused by wearing rented clothing. All rented clothing is uncomfortable---it is made to be sturdy, not relaxing, and doesn't fit right. If you rented chinos and a polo shirt, they would be uncomfortable. Break down and buy one. A vintage tux can be bought very cheaply...just spend a few bucks having it altered to fit.

Which brings me to my tuxedo story. Austrian friends have invited us to stay with them in their vacation home near Vienna, and we've decided to meet at Salzberg to go to the opera. The opera festival in Salzberg is a very big deal indeed and people dress up. What the hell. I buy a used white dinner jacket down in the Village for 20 bucks and throw it into the suitcase along with my black pants and a shirt. My friend is wearing HIS white dinner jacket, which he's inherited from his father. We go to the opera. Everyone else is wearing THEIR dinner jackets (half white, half black); their fraus are dressed to the nines; everyone has come in their Mercedes and BMWs; after the opera there is a stampede for the little places nearby for a bit of supper and champagne. You would not BELIEVE what tickets cost.

Punch line: the opera is Brecht/Weill: Mahogonny.---The City of Nets. Their extremely nasty send up of the evils of capitalism. The audience loved it.

Go ahead. You're not 20 any more. Dressing up can be fun, if it's your idea and not something your mommy made you do. Buy a tux. Wear it everywhere. You'll like it.

Alan
<akornhis@optonline.net>

As always, Alan, you make many fine points. And as for your "Wear it everywhere" suggestion, I'll agree that it would be better if the tux were society's mainstay apparel rather than, say, a gray necktie with a white shortsleeved shirt. But when you bring in the Viennese you give away the game. Because my real beef with the tux is that it always makes me stop feeling like a svelte and dashing new media wiseacre and start feeling like a 300-pound German industrialist seeing Die Fledermaus in Hitler's personal box, sipping tawny port and listening to the Fuhrer rant about Von Runstedt's incompetence during the Entr'acte.

yr pal,

Magua

Are you crazy? What the fuck are you talking about, dude? I don't understand what yer saying with all this shit about ties, man.

-Ci$co
<ciscov@avaya.com>

I'm saying bowties are justly feared and reviled for making men look like incredible dorks.

yr pal,

Magua