for 6 June 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

Terry Colon
Art Director

Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Joey Anuff
Publisher

Polly,

Concerning your definition of dates in suck: You know, a date doesn't *necessarily* have to be with a person of the opposite sex.

Of course, gay dates are no less awkward than straight ones. But there are some important differences between straight and gay dates, such as:

Straight date ... Awkward part at end of the date when you're not sure if you should kiss.

Gay date ... Awkward part at the end of the date when you're having sex.

Straight date... The man usually pays.

Gay date... The man usually pays, which is quite confusing since there are two men.

Straight date... Generally no sex until the third date.

Gay date... Generally no sex before the main course arrives.

Cheers,

Dave

Hi Dave.

Thanks for the handy comparison. I don't write about gay men dating because, well, you have to stick with what you know. I'm told that first-date sex among men isn't usually that awkward, though. I'm told it's generally handled with friendly distance, like a bank transaction.

But are the lines long? And are there hidden fees?

No credit in the straight world,

Polly

Dear Polly,

I recently found out that the love of my life is a lesbian. That's no shit; she lives in Thailand with her girlfriend. I say she's the love of my life but what I really mean is she's the one girl I think about when I'm single. I'm 28 and have had five relationships that all lasted about a year. I've never been engaged or married and have no children. I saw tloml about six months ago. She's great and nice and prettier than ever but I realized that, partly because she lives with her girlfriend in Thailand and partly because we're both much different than we were when we knew each other well, we never will be friends, or anything more. I'm at a loss. Now I don't have the comfort of a phantom relationship. What to do?

Chris

Hi Chris.

The one girl you think about when you're single does not equal the love of your life. She is the empty obsession of your life thus far, not the love of your life. What to do now that you don't have the comfort of a phantom relationship? Go out and get a real one. Try to stay away from the lesbians, though — see, they prefer women to men, so they're not the safest bet.

Good luck and next time, talk to the tiny little guy.

Selling at a loss,

Polly

Polly,

I just had the surreal experience of reading today's Filler while being in that early giddy stage of love. It's kind of like watching The X-Files with E.T. sitting on the couch next to you packing the bong. In any case, I think I have come up with a point of view that adequately deals with this unfortunate euphoria and the pain and misery that inevitably follows. Love isn't something you deserve, but rather an unavoidable condition to be afflicted with. Like chicken pox except it can happen more than once. I remember in grade school some kids were actually excited about getting chicken pox so they could stay home from school. After several days of gouging out hunks of their own flesh they realized the entire experience was not to their liking. Still, that first intense occurrence doesn't keep anyone from enjoying a good long satisfying scratch now and then. Come to think of it that might just have been in an episode of South Park, but the moral, such that it is, still applies.

Freebasing Calamine lotion,

Clay

Hi Clay.

Falling in love is good, and it's rare, unless you do ecstasy regularly. Itchy or not, you'd better enjoy it while you can. Eventually it all turns into dirty dishes and bad sitcoms. Eventually all you've got is bad breath and a shared history, so live it up now, chumpy.

p.s. Tell E.T. to come over to my house, and to bring the bong and a bag of those Reeses pieces, but lose the creepy kids.

Polly

Are you okay? I mean, you're being even more cynical than normal. It must be one of those "Oooooh, look, I've read something you wrote, so I have this deep and intimate connection to you now" things, but hey, at least I care, in some shallow way.

Seriously, though, good luck with things.

Steven Saus
<uriel1998@yahoo.com>

Hi Steven.

Thank you for your shallow concern. When I'm more cynical than normal, that generally means that things are going well. It's when I have nothing but bland observations on pointless subjects and I can't write that there's trouble a-brewing. For me, repression is far more harmful than open cynicism.

But when I'm repressed, at least I get my laundry done.

Pining for a silver lining,

Polly

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