for 6 June 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

Terry Colon
Art Director

Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Joey Anuff
Publisher

Polly,

Concerning your definition of dates in suck: You know, a date doesn't *necessarily* have to be with a person of the opposite sex.

Of course, gay dates are no less awkward than straight ones. But there are some important differences between straight and gay dates, such as:

Straight date ... Awkward part at end of the date when you're not sure if you should kiss.

Gay date ... Awkward part at the end of the date when you're having sex.

Straight date... The man usually pays.

Gay date... The man usually pays, which is quite confusing since there are two men.

Straight date... Generally no sex until the third date.

Gay date... Generally no sex before the main course arrives.

Cheers,

Dave

Hi Dave.

Thanks for the handy comparison. I don't write about gay men dating because, well, you have to stick with what you know. I'm told that first-date sex among men isn't usually that awkward, though. I'm told it's generally handled with friendly distance, like a bank transaction.

But are the lines long? And are there hidden fees?

No credit in the straight world,

Polly

Dear Polly,

I recently found out that the love of my life is a lesbian. That's no shit; she lives in Thailand with her girlfriend. I say she's the love of my life but what I really mean is she's the one girl I think about when I'm single. I'm 28 and have had five relationships that all lasted about a year. I've never been engaged or married and have no children. I saw tloml about six months ago. She's great and nice and prettier than ever but I realized that, partly because she lives with her girlfriend in Thailand and partly because we're both much different than we were when we knew each other well, we never will be friends, or anything more. I'm at a loss. Now I don't have the comfort of a phantom relationship. What to do?

Chris

Hi Chris.

The one girl you think about when you're single does not equal the love of your life. She is the empty obsession of your life thus far, not the love of your life. What to do now that you don't have the comfort of a phantom relationship? Go out and get a real one. Try to stay away from the lesbians, though — see, they prefer women to men, so they're not the safest bet.

Good luck and next time, talk to the tiny little guy.

Selling at a loss,

Polly

Polly,

I just had the surreal experience of reading today's Filler while being in that early giddy stage of love. It's kind of like watching The X-Files with E.T. sitting on the couch next to you packing the bong. In any case, I think I have come up with a point of view that adequately deals with this unfortunate euphoria and the pain and misery that inevitably follows. Love isn't something you deserve, but rather an unavoidable condition to be afflicted with. Like chicken pox except it can happen more than once. I remember in grade school some kids were actually excited about getting chicken pox so they could stay home from school. After several days of gouging out hunks of their own flesh they realized the entire experience was not to their liking. Still, that first intense occurrence doesn't keep anyone from enjoying a good long satisfying scratch now and then. Come to think of it that might just have been in an episode of South Park, but the moral, such that it is, still applies.

Freebasing Calamine lotion,

Clay

Hi Clay.

Falling in love is good, and it's rare, unless you do ecstasy regularly. Itchy or not, you'd better enjoy it while you can. Eventually it all turns into dirty dishes and bad sitcoms. Eventually all you've got is bad breath and a shared history, so live it up now, chumpy.

p.s. Tell E.T. to come over to my house, and to bring the bong and a bag of those Reeses pieces, but lose the creepy kids.

Polly

Are you okay? I mean, you're being even more cynical than normal. It must be one of those "Oooooh, look, I've read something you wrote, so I have this deep and intimate connection to you now" things, but hey, at least I care, in some shallow way.

Seriously, though, good luck with things.

Steven Saus
<uriel1998@yahoo.com>

Hi Steven.

Thank you for your shallow concern. When I'm more cynical than normal, that generally means that things are going well. It's when I have nothing but bland observations on pointless subjects and I can't write that there's trouble a-brewing. For me, repression is far more harmful than open cynicism.

But when I'm repressed, at least I get my laundry done.

Pining for a silver lining,

Polly

From dictionary.com:

date·less (dtls) adj.

1.Having no date whatsoever.

2.So ancient that no date can be determined.

3.Having no limits in time; timeless.

2 is almost as good as "still good or interesting, though old."

BTW, haven't seen any Filler movie reviews in a while.

Heinz Hemken
<heinzhemken@earthlink.net>

Hi Heinz.

I haven't seen any Filler movie reviews in a while, either. Is that a request? Because Filler is 100% request-driven during the month of June. Which is another way of saying that your whim is my command.

I guess I'd better go see some movies.

Having no limits in shame; shameless,

Polly

I've been reading suck for years, and you guys always make me laugh, or at least grin halfheartedly...

But our mascot is a puppy named Butler Blue, certainly not a big bad Nazi. Incidentally, cute little Sarah Fischer is a Butler student. She could take the dog in a fair fight.

Thanks for the publicity,

Danielle M. Henry
Class of 2001.

<amuseddisinterest@yahoo.com>

What makes you think Sarah fights fair? Didn't you see her take out that other lady driver last year?

If you're dog isn't a Nazi, why does the big inflatable balloon version of him in the Indy 500/Memorial Day parade have him (?) posed Sieg Heiling? What were we supposed to think? That he's more like an ancient Roman Centurion? Something about that big bulldog face, the SS salute, and the school motto — "What Holocaust?" — got us jumping to conclusions I guess.

Ben

Dear Sucksters,

Shame on you for regurgitating an Indy 500, (July 2000) story on Memorial Day 2001.

The sound of freedom isn't those steroid-induced, suped up, gas sucking, race cars emitting megadecimal noise that causes major hearing loss. It's the foot marching and heel clicking of military trainees at Champaign, Quantico, Fort Campbell, Pensacola, Lackland, and other places.

Freedom is never free, it's paid each and every day by American men and women in uniform. Show one of your own writers some much deserved respect----Private First Class Ambrose Beers.

I wrote this poem dedicated to him and the other sacrificial lambs who paid with life and limbs and continue to purchase our freedom on a daily basis. I know Ambrose is still alive and kicking, but he gives up more of his freedom than those immigrant, beer sucking, ungrateful Serbian pigs sitting in the stands at Indianapolis.

"Is Freedom really Free"

Is freedom really free
Did all those soldiers die for me
Livin’ in the 21st century
Someone bought my freedom

Is freedom really free
Where can you go and not see green
Outdoor rec and the air I breathe
Cost the world plenty

Gas the cars, burn the fuel
Create more holes in the ozone layer
Flush the water, drink the earth
Dry up the fragile wetlands

Is freedom really free
Did all those soldiers die for me
Livin’ in the 21st century
Casualties bought my freedom

Is Freedom really free
Who pays for democracy
Tax poor, average Joe citizens
Like Ambrose Beers and me
Vote "No" on corporate funding

~ Swordless Warrior May 28, 2001

<swordlesswarrior@lycos.com>

Thanks, SW, not just for your timely and heartfelt Memorial Day message, but for bringing up the scandal of corporate funding. For too long, the mainstream media have tried to sweep corporate funding under the table! It's about time the people heard about corporate funding. I'm outraged to know that this kind of funding is going on! And who's getting all this funding? Not hardworking Americans like you and me — NO! It's going to corporations! And what are they concerned about? Not about our safety — NO! They're only thinking about corporate profits! And how are they making those profits? Not by thinking of the children — NO! They're making it through unrestrained, unregulated corporate funding! Is this what our veterans died for in Grenada and The Gulf War? NO! Don't let the corporate funders take away our right to a drug-free environment and better schools for our seniors. We say it again, NO to corporate funding!

BarTel

Ask a question, get an answer!

You wrote —

If there's an attentive reader out there who reads plenty of comics, I'd appreciate the name of that woman who used to draw the "Peter Makes the Scene" comics, which featured the adventures of a single woman and her pet penis, in which the detached cock always wore a bowtie, male-stripper-style. The comic was pretty funny, and even funnier was that I heard the cartoonist later found Jesus, and now spends her time repudiating the immorality of her earlier work.

Her name is Terry Boyce. I remember her stories about the Peter the pet penis from Robert Crumb's magazine Weirdo — I never thought I would hear anyone refer to the stories in those old magazines! I read Weirdo mostly for Crumb's work, but as far as I know, Peter did not "always" wear a bowtie, just in one of the stories (about a pet exhibition — use your imagination here). It's true that Terry Boyce later became a Christian and burned all her Peter stories. In Weirdo No. 26 (1989) there's a long letter from the newborn Christian Terry, replete with Bible quotes and all...

Best regards,

Hakan Lindgren

Thanks Hakan, it's all coming back to me now. That's a pretty ill-timed career move Terry Boyce made by finding Jesus. If she could only have held out another decade she would have a big reputation right now, with ten years of being a leading light in the Frank Women's Humor About Sex genre. Sarah Jessica Parker would pronounce herself a fan. She'd be doing the cover artwork for Run Catch Kiss. A spot on Politically Incorrect would be waiting every few months.

Whew!

Actually, maybe she's better off with Jesus.

yr pal,

Magua