for 18 June 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Business Plans for Dummies

Enjoyed the article, but one
quick clarification. Dog
sweaters are often a very
necessary item for pet
owners. For example, I have a
whippet that has literally no
fat and only the sparsest
amount of hair on his body.
During Idaho's cold winter
months I actually have to use
a combination of sweater,
polar fleece coat, and head
and neck warmer to keep the
dog from going into
hypothermia when I take him
outside to get some exercise.

Andy Boise,
Idaho

I don't know, Andrew: I used
to have lots of whippets and
they never needed sweaters.
But they did give me a cool
fragmenting-sound-and-image
effect that made me want to
do more of them. My lips
sometimes turned blue, but
the closest I ever got to
hypothermia was when I passed
out in a cemetery at night,
and my friends left me for
dead. Maybe you're not using
yours correctly (hint - you
should ingest them orally).

yr pal,

BarTel

Subject: Tristero trumpets ...

God, I love obscure Pynchon
references. Makes me feel
like I'm in the "in" crowd
even more than simply
visiting your site every day.

Ah, screw the "in" crowd shit,
I just love seeing obscure
Pynchon refs. It's those
obscure, unexplained
references that I think
Pynchon would love, as
opposed to explaining each
one ("You see, the trumpet is
a symbol in Pynchon's book
... and Tristero....")

Keep sucking,

L.E.D.

Come on, Joe - the Tristero
horn is about the least
obscure Pynchon reference you
can make. And with Mason
& Dixon now number four
on The Times' bestseller list
(probably destined to join
Foucault's Pendulum and A
Brief History of Time on the
most-bought-least-read list),
it's hardly an "in-crowd"
thing. And if you've ever
seen real Pynchonians,
they're pretty scary. Make
you see why the author stays
incognito.

Anyway I hope you're reading
Mason & Dixon. I was real
leery of 770 pages with no
hope of Slothropian
hipsterisms, but it kicks
butt from start to finish. A
full and complete recovery
from Vineland.

And that's three to make ready
now Gobar, go.

yr pal,

BarTel

BarTel,

Where exactly is that record
store? I'm in need of a
brownie.

Suck-like citizen of SF,
Douglas

Would love to help you out,
Doug, but I smell bacon.

However, since I'm outside
NYC, I can tell you there are
many of these places
sprinkled around the downtown
of America's greatest city.
Their modus operandi - which
involves determining your
trustworthiness through some
arcane method, then providing
you with a stamped card which
you're supposed to produce
each time you visit the store -
is sufficiently clubby and
discriminating that all these
stores are referred to
generically as "The Weed Club
for Men," though you'll have
to find their "official"
names yourself.

As I bear a distinct
resemblance to Jack Lord,
establishing trustworthiness
was always a problem.

In San Francisco, I understand
it's even easier, especially
since Prop 215. You just go
to the store and say, "Can I
have a bag? I got, like,
hives and shit."

Hit and Run

The melancholy expressed when
mentioning the seriously
funny Nat Lamp of the late
'70s caused me, in my normal
a.m. stupor, to realize the
degree to which the overall
Suckers are potentially very
influenced by same. This is a
good thing, by the way, as
the combined horsepower of
the Lampoon at that time, was
remarkable.

I had to open up my
falling-apart copy of the
Lampoon 1964 Yearbook parody
... Polly Esther? Yes, it's
true. In the mini pictures of
the underclassmen, each named
with a funny name, is a
person named Polly Esther.
Random name selection? I
think not.

To loosely quote Mark Twain,
"The only people who can
legitimately plagiarize are
kings, editors, and people
with worms."

regards,

Patrick Hickey
<phickey@netscape.com>

You think that only one person
in the world has the two or
three brain cells required to
dream up the name Polly
Esther, or Polly Morfus, or
Polly Amorous, for that
matter?

Besides, how do you know we
don't have worms?

The Shit

Subject: re: the shit

Hey

It's rhinoceri, boneheads. Get
it straight.

Terence
<nelant@abc.com>

Subject: Your tender
underbelly

Being certifiably clueless, I
originally thought The Shit
was a list of things you
considered to be shitty,
until my wife enlightened me.
And I was just celebrating
the demise of "baaad"
(meaning good), without
question a blight on the
vernacular. But I still don't
get it. Why are you promoting
products and people for free?
Where's the Suck attitude in
that? And further - if this
is stuff you really enjoy -
and, like, want to (ugh)
SHARE with us - aren't you
revealing a sentimental,
gushy side, not to say
actually admitting to having
one? For instance, in The
Shit of 5 June, you list
rhinoceroses. Of course, this
may not be what it seems, it
might be one of those combos
kids these days like so much,
but if you mean the animal -
is this some kind of
schoolgirl sentimentality
creeping in? Do you guys have
little stuffed rhinos with
heart-shaped eyes and "I love
you" embroidered on their big
purple sides sitting on top
of your Apple PowerBooks and
Power Macs? Cripes, what a
thought. I'd rather believe
you are expressing admiration
for a smelly, brutish,
prehistoric vegetarian beast
with a very thick hide, a
short temper, and a big
fucking horn it uses to tear
out the guts of its
adversaries. Now that's more
like the Sucksters of record
(except for the bit about
being smelly and brutish,
that's just the rhinoceros).

Hugs and kisses,

Greg
<greg@mrfax.com>

It's rhinoceri, bonehead. Get
it straight.