for 5 September 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Random Shit

Subject: i'm angst-ridden, and
i want a job

dear sucksters,

i'll make this brief ... you
need me. my friend jeff is an
avid fan of yours and he is
under the impression that i
would make your mag a more
cynical place to visit (i do
not disagree). my bachelor's
degree in english literature
and theory should be enough
to make you all realize that
i am completely prepared to
share my thrilling views on
midget-tossing, random acts
of bitch slapping, and such
nonsense as would irritate
the typical urban-hipster
(which jeff is convinced that
i am even though he's never
seen me ... go figure). and,
hey, san francisco needs
another fact-finder or copy
editor or whatever (you can
get your own coffee ... i
have to draw the line
somewhere).... so since i
know you are desperate for
another staff member, i'll
start packing. better scoop
up this talent quick or i may
have to sit around on my ass
up here in oregon for another
six years and get really
depressed about the rain.

<Name Withheld to Protect the Unemployed>

You're hired. But first - it's
just a technicality, really -
you have to take one
itsy-bitsy little quiz.

QUIZ

Please put the reasons
you give for hiring
you in order of importance,
1 = The Most Important Reason
to Hire You, 13 = The Least
Important Reason to Hire You.

- You're angst-ridden, an
extremely rare and desirable
trait among job-seekers, and
highly sought-after by
reputable employers.