for 9 September 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Rolling Papers

Thanks for hitting a nerve of
mine. The press has become a
publicity puppet for the
government and big industry.
I see major world change
taking place through the
Internet. The Net is
America's wire cutters to its
own Iron Curtain. Finally,
people have a way to keep the
bureaucrats (bull-o-craps) in
check. Finally, a means to
distribute the truth! Now,
all we need is to make sure
all that we say on the Net is
accurate and true. Otherwise,
another propaganda coup will
take place. The government
would flood this Net with
inaccuracies until no one
would want to read the
electronic equivalent of the
National Enquirer. Thanks for
your assessment of the
journalistic situation and
history.

Mike Rogalski
<Mike.Rogalski
@mail.dfrc.nasa.gov>

Glad I could hit your nerves.
But the Net failed the
nothing-but-truth-
and-accuracy test a long time
ago. And if that standard is
even attainable, who might you
suggest should be responsible
for maintaining it? The
government, perhaps?

Beers

Subject: Guilty!

You're just going to have to
admit it - you just went and
became your own subject and
fried your own arguments. If
you're so fired up about
alternative journalism just
circulating old news, just
interested in attitude, just
making flashes in media pans,
well - go write some instead
of complaining.

And just why do you think that
we're all numb to these
stories, even if only one of
them could be important?
Because we have heard it all
before. Because we can't go
10 feet without some news
anchor telling us about how
many people have died today,
how the company you have been
working for has been killing
us, how our government lies.
Hell, we've been hearing this
since Kennedy, and you know
what? it is getting to us. We
don't need these stories
anymore because we already
believe them. Journalism only
becomes effective if the
audience doesn't already
believe but wants to. And we
don't want to anymore. Didn't
anyone in the newsrooms
consider that we would end up
listening, that we might
believe that the world is a
nasty place? So after our
airplanes get shot out of the
air and our statesmen admit
to sexual wrongdoing, we just
want to come home and depend
on something simple,
something understandable. And
we understand celebrity
scandal - mostly because we
wish we could live that life,
even if it does mean
answering personal questions
in front of Jerry Springer.
You want to know why
alternative journalism has
gotten pathetic? It's
because we've become
pathetic.

So while you bemoan the death
of quality, alternative
reporting by publishing shit
that just doesn't go
anywhere, try to remember
something. We're not
interested because it's just
not news anymore.

I have written stories about
the kinds of issues you
suggest - and the rest of
your message neatly explains
why I always felt like nobody
was reading them.
Heartwarming! Thanks!

Beers

And you Sucksters do it damn
well continually.... Although
I wish you'd pick on Mexico
and WJC a little more, quit
trying to make Orwell the
prophet he wasn't, and maybe
give us the real shit on
global warming.

David

David,

1.) Mexico sucks.

2.) WJC? Hah! What a joke!

3.) Suck is Love; Love is
Suck.

4.) Global warming - it's hot!

Better?

Beers

Random Shit

Subject: i'm angst-ridden, and
i want a job

dear sucksters,

i'll make this brief ... you
need me. my friend jeff is an
avid fan of yours and he is
under the impression that i
would make your mag a more
cynical place to visit (i do
not disagree). my bachelor's
degree in english literature
and theory should be enough
to make you all realize that
i am completely prepared to
share my thrilling views on
midget-tossing, random acts
of bitch slapping, and such
nonsense as would irritate
the typical urban-hipster
(which jeff is convinced that
i am even though he's never
seen me ... go figure). and,
hey, san francisco needs
another fact-finder or copy
editor or whatever (you can
get your own coffee ... i
have to draw the line
somewhere).... so since i
know you are desperate for
another staff member, i'll
start packing. better scoop
up this talent quick or i may
have to sit around on my ass
up here in oregon for another
six years and get really
depressed about the rain.

<Name Withheld to Protect the Unemployed>

You're hired. But first - it's
just a technicality, really -
you have to take one
itsy-bitsy little quiz.

QUIZ

Please put the reasons
you give for hiring
you in order of importance,
1 = The Most Important Reason
to Hire You, 13 = The Least
Important Reason to Hire You.

- You're angst-ridden, an
extremely rare and desirable
trait among job-seekers, and
highly sought-after by
reputable employers.