for 22 October 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Computers on TV

Dear Sucksters,

I'd like to see a column
about how TV shows still
choose the saddest old
technology to represent
"computers."

I was watching an old
X-Files the other day (the
one where the computer that
runs a building has become
intelligent, and there's one
good guy and one evil guy who
started this corporation
[duh, which one was Gates and
which one was Allen?]). Anyway
- the point is the computer
was supposed to be totally
intelligent and self-aware,
but it still worked off a
command-line interface.

Scully also types her diary
on a DOS-looking system.
Think of all the
representations of computers
on TV shows, like Doogie
Howser. Doogie always typed
in white, monospaced DOS text
on a blue screen. I bet there
are a lot more examples - and
Doogie isn't exactly
cutting-edge but the Files?
Isn't their audience supposed
to be tech-literate,
tech-aware?

What happens in TV? Does the
designer put a nice new Mac
in there, and then the
director comes along, sees
black proportional text on a
white background, and says,
"No, no, no, get me something
that looks more, I dunno,
computery, willya?"

Then there are cool shows
like Millenium, in which
Frank Black has a System
8/Copland-type Mac, but
they've tweaked the dialogs
and progress bars for some
reason, and to a Mac user
they just look trashy.

John

Nothing compares with the
computer graphics (and
concept) behind the movie War
Games, featuring a huge
flashing displays that say
things like "Countdown 10
seconds to Total World
Destruction."

The Undead Urban Elite

Sure I have a degree in Fine
Arts. Sure I have liked jazz
since I was 14. Fine cheese
has always been a passion.
(Since I was born in
Wisconsin.) I can
successfully use
polysyllabics in public
without embarrassing myself
or others but I still believe
in the ranting of the insane.

I think the best album I have
heard in a long time was the
Smashing Pumpkins' Infinite
Sadness. Only because I have
a passion for continuity and
theme but - a very important
but - I am not rich. I do
however, love curry and
cilantro. What the hell is
wrong with me?

Do I need to be saved from
myself or, should I continue
to look for the tallest
building in the area?

Steven Poleske

Look, we're quite pleased to
hear that your tastes in food
and music are so very
natural, but you're clearly
not as smart as you think you
are. Any idiot can see that
the "Urban Elite" poem in
question is an outright call
to the curry and cilantro
lovers of the world to finish
themselves off once and for
all.

Luxe Populi

Subject: Terrible.

Your article on fashion was
even worse than the Vogue
exegesis written by one of
the complete squares at
Salon. It was so out of touch
that I can only imagine that
you live in San Francisco.

Theresa Duncan
<theresa@nny.com>

Gosh! This explains why those
stupidheads at Salon won't
return my calls. As for my
geographical coordinates,
it's even worse than you
think: I live in Austin,
Texas.

Things are looking up, though
- we're getting our own Saks
in mid-November!

LeTeXan

Weekly Commentary from Alan
Kornheiser

My, we got out of bed on the
wrong side this morning.
Perhaps our new silk jammies
didn't quite go with the bed
linens? So sad.

More (less?) seriously, does
anybody care? "Anybody"
defined generally as the
people we admire and would
like to hang out with?

Of course, I probably have it
all wrong. The world is so
full of wonderful things that
we all choose to ignore one
entire area (e.g., 12-tone
music, performance art,
Salon) so we can have enough
time to know something about
another (e.g., Baroque music,
theater, Suck). My ignorance
of high couture is probably
as despicable - if
unavoidable - as his ignorance
of uncertainty theory or her
ignorance of economics or
everyone else's ignorance of
The Wit and Wisdom of
Buckaroo Banzai. Still
though, of all the things one
could choose to waste one's
limited time with, surely
products one cannot afford,
which change ceaselessly for
no other reason than to
change ceaselessly, and which
are purchased by the kinds of
people one wouldn't really
want to know ... surely, this
is one of the larger wastes.

Of course, it passes the
time. But then again, as dear
Mr. Beckett reminds us, the
time would have passed
anyway.

Nice article; nastiness is
its own reward.

Alan Kornheiser
<ASKORNHEISER@prodigy.net>

I always appreciate your
letters, Alan, but surely you
miss the point. As a
diagnostician of culture
(albeit one practicing
without a license), it is my
solemn duty to peer into
whatever dusky orifices are
presented to me at any given
time. Surely you sleep better
- on flannel, is it? or
sackcloth and ashes? -
knowing I'm here, my eyes
peeled for chuckleheadedness
and other encephalopathies
wherever they may turn up.

Enjoy your symptom!

LeTeXan

In a recent Bazaar, Courtney
Love said something like,
"Helmut Lang is like a
language shared by smart
people."

Melissa J. Price

Since I shop at Ross Dress
for Less, I must be somewhere
in there with the chimps who
get burritos by pushing
buttons.

LeTeXan

Compromise Yourself

Hello jackasses!

Well, once again you've
missed the freakin' boat. The
office bathroom is a great
place to jack off. Hell,
didn't you read LBJ's
biography? The man was in the
Senate bathroom three, four
times a day during his rise
to power. There's nothing
better after a grueling,
ego-driven power meeting than
to hit the head, drop trou,
and whip your skippy.
Sometimes there's a line out
the door! And don't even
mention those guys on the
office hockey team. They take
a danish from the coffee cart
and gather 'round ... you get
the picture.

Just spread the word for
people to wipe up, for
Christ's sake!

So long, jackasses!

David Lubbock
"Don't compromise yourself.
You are all you've got."
- Janis Joplin

Wow. Maybe you need an
alternate signature file for
days like today.