for 29 October 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.

I Don't

The solution is not to make
divorce harder. The solution
is to teach everyone that
DIVORCE IS HELL, for
everyone, even the lawyers.
(Why do you think we charge
so much for divorces? We
charge a lot because we HATE
divorces.)

The marriage vows should
include the line:

"I know that divorce is hell,
if our marriage doesn't work,
our lives will turn to shit,
our friends will abandon us,
our kids will hate us and
grow up to become sociopaths
and axe murderers, we will
lose our nice house and our
cars, and we will become
totally irritating people,
nevertheless, I DO."

<ctdahle@amigo.net>

If you think divorce is hell,
try living in a bad
marriage.

Filler

What's with the surprise at
memoirs-as-fiction?

Writing's been ego-stroking
and "look how self-aware I
am" forever. Writing in the
first-person and calling it
fiction is like masturbating
with your left hand so it
feels like someone else is
doing it. There are, too,
plenty of examples of
autobiography veiled thinly
behind the third-person
narrator - which is like
sitting on your left hand
until it falls asleep before
masturbation.

Reporting and writing for
webzines, then, is like when
your hand says, "No way,
fuckie, i ain't touching that
thing, you looser," and you
go to sleep all frustrated.

Steve McNally, rightie

Fuckie? Looser? These are the
names your hand calls you?

Perhaps you're a bit too
self-aware.

Suck Scroll

Subject: "limited edition"
suck scrolls, suitable for
hanging

I don't know if you folks are
looking for new sources of
small amounts of income that
will probably turn out to be
far more hassle than they're
worth ...

... but, I'd certainly be
interested in buying a Suck
column of my choice, printed
out as one big scroll, signed
by the writer and artist, for
US$24.50 or thereabouts - and
there may be other readers
who'd do the same.

There must be a few columns
people seem to like best. You
could select the top 20 (as
long as it included the one I
want, once I decide what it
is), limit people's options
to those, and go into mass
production! (I take back that
part above about it being a
big hassle.)

I wonder when HP is gonna
come out with that new plain
paper-scroll printer....

Paul Spinrad

Sounds like a hassle, mainly
because we know of no
scroll-printing and packaging
services, and we hate doing
things ourselves. Which is
why the upcoming Suck book is
a more palatable solution.
Particularly for people who
read!

It Cuts Like a Knife

Hey Suck,

I'm writing you guys because
you're SOOOO cool. It's so
unique the way you guys take
compliments and twist them
into personal insults. You
guys are SOOOO sharp. It's
like ... you're assholes and
bad asses at the SAME TIME.
That's a whole lot of ass, if
you know what I mean.

But I know it won't be that
way with me, because it's
like, you know, we connect. I
mean, to me, Suck is like
Jesus or caramel corn or
something great. If you
actually put this email up on
the World Wide Web, I would
absolutely pee. And you could
write something cool after it
like, "You're the reason we
don't use our real names."
And we could revel together
in our collective assitude.

You guys suck ass!!

Jay Witherspoon
<fatdaddy@memphismojo.com>

Breathtaking, the way you
deconstructed our editorial
voice in one fell swoop.
We'll be sighing loudly and
speaking in hushed tones for
the rest of the day. And from
now on, when we talk
gleefully about tricking the
masses with more cheap
posturing, one of us will
inevitably raise his/her
voice to your wisdom: "Sure,
that smoke-and-mirrors
sarcasm will fool the masses,
but you can't fool the JAY
WITHERSPOONS of the
world...." And we'll retreat
to the roof for a solemn
cigarette break in the wake
of such sobering remarks.

Canadian Comedy Is Timeless

You guys actually ranked
cheap shots at Canadians
between "hardly worthwhile"
and "utterly worthless"? For
shame ... unwarranted,
gratuitous slams of our
linguistically challenged
neighbors are ALWAYS worth
the effort!

Jason Lindquist
<jlindqui@babylon5.figure1.net>

With your needs in mind ...

You Americans make me sick.
You are so damn stupid.
Americans are IGNORANT SLOBS;
you think Donovan Bailey is
not the fastest man on the
planet. (You think the MUCH
slower Michael Johnson is the
fastest; I'm sure you'll say
that in that race
between them he was
injured even though he
faked.) You Americans take
the name of a CONTINENT and
make it so that stupid kids
can't figure out that there's
something above the GREAT
Lakes (great because they're
mostly Canadian). Although
there are some OK things
about America: It makes
people in ANY other country
feel good about where they
live. (You know that saying,
"You can make yourself look
good by making other people
look bad." Well you're
probably tired of making
other people look good.)
There are two more not-bad
things: SOME of the music
(not country) and the
cartoons are OK. Other than
that, AMERICA SUCKS. Your
money is SCREWED: You want a
ONE and you could pull out a
20 (they're all green).
You couldn't find Canada
(or any other country for
that matter) on a
map if you tried for HOURS.
When Americans go to
a European country (or
Canada), they get their ass
kicked or are ignored because
they're so rude - example:
"Hey Ma; look at that pointy
haired little girl!"
(Although sometimes they
serve you fast to get you out
of the shop 'cause you're
taking away their customers.)
Some Americans even think the
war is still on; they have
stockpiles of guns in their
basements. (Also useful if
they think the American Gov't
is coming after them - common
paranoia.) Another bad thing
about the US: The southern
accent; y'all should smarten
up before I whoop your ASS!

Anyway, you're lucky I didn't
use more colourful language
(it's spelt in CANADIAN
English). And about Canada:
WE'RE BIGGER FASTER AND ON
TOP!

Mike H.
<eghold@golden.net>

Ooo, that smarts!