for 9 January 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Dumb Mail Week Continues

Subject: "You saved me some
money!" (or at least the
hassle of returning bad
product)

Dear Suck Folks,

I am in Grand Rapids,
Michigan, on a consulting
assignment. (Yes, I know; a
questionable decision on my
part since it's 20° F
here and I'm based in
Florida.) Since I didn't want
to read "work stuff" while I
was eating my bowl of raisin
bran for breakfast, I turned
on the TV instead. While
flipping through channels, I
came upon an infomercial for
... Howard Berg's Mega Speed
Reading System!!!

Wow, was I impressed! And,
the cost was only US$59.99
plus $8.95 s/h!! What a
deal!!! However, before I
called and gave my credit
card number, I did a search
on the Internet for "Howard
Berg" and "speed reading."
Guess what? Your Web site was
one of the hits.

Reading the article (story?
review?) about "Speed Reading
Between the Lines" from 6
January 1997, I was
entertained, I was informed,
and I am also not going to
order Howard Berg's Mega
Speed Reading System!!!
Thanks for the information
and keep up the good work!

P. G. Valko
<Pgvalko@aol.com>

Sounds like you need more
help than our Web site can
give, buddy. You might want
to read our article on
Equinox, though, before it's
too late. And remember, don't
believe what you see on TV: A
foot can't cut a watermelon.

Dumb.com

I am in school now and my
teacher doesn't want us to
say "suck," so thanks to your
Web page, me and my friend
have devised a plan. Whenever
we want to say the word
"suck" we just say
"thesuck.net."

EX: "YOU SUCK ... DOT COM!!!!

Thanx, you've just saved me
and quite a few of my friends
from detentions, office
visits, and who knows what
else ... THANX SUCK!!! :)

P.S. YOU SUCK.COM. Way to
live up to your name!!!!

Hey, SUCK.COM this,
MOTHERFUCKER.COM.

Suck.com: Stooping Lower than
Notably Immature Teenagers
Since 1995

Plenty Good Dumb Male

My grandmother is interested
in Web sites like yours. You
have fallen.

Erich Von Hollander

Have you subscribed her to
our Netscape In-Box Direct
"instant" delivery service?
We could use her hits.

Sucksters

P.S. Have you noticed your
name rhymes with "colander"?

Dumber and Dumbest

Subject: I wrote this

Sir:

I wrote this. Not sure why.
But it is somewhat festive.
I'm sending it to you because
you are a high-powered
publishing icon and I am a
mere buffoon. Enjoy it if you
please. Print it if you like,
or don't. Thanks (I think).

Sincerely,

the guy who wrote this

P.S. I don't know why I
decided to send this to you.

CHRISTMAS CHEESE by Chester
A. Arthur (deceased, no
relation)

Little cheese curds in the vat
Filled with milk and whey
Flavored with a run down cat
Killed on Christmas Day

Tastes of cheddar, hints of brie
Mixed with feline splat
Reminds me of the Christmas tree
Where Mittens once had sat

No more cat calls, claws, or
hair balls
No cat nip or fleas
Fermented Road Kill
Cat, curds, cold chilled
We call Christmas Cheese

Delicious! Send some pronto!

More Wisdom and Insight

Subject: Yes, you do.

Hello,

I find your pages to be some
of the most boring on the
Web. I normally wouldn't
write someone to tell them my
opinion, but in this case you
deserve it. I find nothing
more putrid than a critic (I
know that I am currently
being a critic of Suck
but ...). The biggest loser in
the whole world is a rock
critic followed by movie
critic. The most putrid of
all is yourselves; the
everything critic. Give it
up. Your pages seek to find
fault in the famous, in
trends, in social pop life in
general, ya cows-n-beer ya
sure. Guess what. It's old.
It's tired. It's a dead
horse. Please, I hope you are
through with the flogging.
(Nietzsche's ghost can't bear
it any longer.)

SWN Organization: Go
Packers!!!

Can you send some of those
cows-n-beer you refer to?
(Beer-battered beef?) They
sound absolutely
mouth-watering.