for 21 January 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Subject: Down with evil
trees!

Though it has been said that
hindsight is 20/20, there are
some in this country who
foresaw the recent attacks on
Mr. Bono and Mr. Kennedy by
botanical conspirators.
Malevolent vegetation plotted
to conceal the second gunman
In the Grassy Knoll. It
nearly succeeded in fatally
poisoning George Bush over
dinner in Japan. How many
more of our political leaders
must suffer at the hands of
such un-American plants
before we finally see the
trees for the forest?

As I write this, a consortium
of large "hard-wood" trees in
Colorado is currently
hatching a maniacal plan to
strike at civilians of the
Colorado countryside. Untold
death tolls await the masses
if these foul conspirators
are allowed to burn
themselves - and the
surrounding communities - in
an act of insane martyrdom.

But we don't have to go down
without a fight! Currently,
US representatives Helen
Chenowith and Bob Schaeffer
are introducing a bill into
Congress to battle these
evil-doers. It's called the
"Community Protection and
Hazardous Fuels Reduction
Act," which would allow the
brave men and women of our
logging companies to
infiltrate the forests and
weed out the flammable trees
within. Please - write your
congressperson and voice
your support - before it's
too late.

And tie a yellow ribbon for
the brave Americans in the
timber community! Just don't
tie it around a tree ... it
might strike back.

Thank you. John Hamilton <wfu1055@ibm.net>

You wacky college guy, you.

Chicken Butt

There is nothing the Net
needs more than a good
flogging (Nietzsche aside) to
scare the brainwashed masses
from proceeding to
www.jcrew.com and emptying
Junior's college fund into
the mad craze ineptly named
"Electronic Shopping";
ideally everyone would
receive one choice tidbit
from www.thesuck.net along with
every meaningless piece of
spam (directing them to
pictures of the late Mr.
Bono's autopsy, at US$5 a
pop, no doubt) to help round
out the average netizen's
mental status. Hopefully,
someone at www.thesuck.net will
also appreciate that the
previous was one continuous
sentence.

- Mr. Kelly Adams (For the
benefit of all the other
people with androgynous first
names, id est Erin and Terry)

Um. What?

Size Matters

...u must use bigger writing
so that webtv subscribers can
read your writings

<mister_bar12369@webtv.net>

Web TV! Ha ha ha! That's a
good one.

Flog the Neophyte

Gentlemen/Ladies(whomever),

I am what you would you
consider a virgin to the
Internet world, but I would
like to spew forth on Net a
minute tidbit of menial (if
not worthless) information,
if I may.

1st - Nice site (it turns my
crank), as far as I know.

2nd - I would like to spout
off a bit of other things,
but I'm not sure of how or
who I would do this to or at.
Can you let me know what the
f**k to do for this oh so
irritating itch that I have
acquired?

3rd - Do you have a page (or
should I be using a different
term) for observer
input/rhetoric/rebuttal that
I should be referring to for
steam let-off? Not that I
have any steam to let off,
but I am interested in having
questions answered and having
my points/opinions being
heard. Your page, it seems to
me, is somewhat progressive
and I like that thus causing
me to inquire.

4th - Do I sound educated?

Thanx so bloody much,

DP

1. Yuck. 2. Try drinking to
excess. 3. Yes. 4. No.

Thanks for the cute neophyte
note.

The Shit

Subject: Bombs baby!

So, what's up with the shit,
cats and kittens? I mean, I
want to keep my narrow,
Gap-wearing ass on the
cutting edge of what is hip
and cool. But this shit list
is like a blast from the
past; we are talking a vision
from the way back machine.
What gives? Do you people
(note: the author usually
does not make parodies of H.
Ross Perot - they are too
easy) really think that I
come to your site for the
witty humor and vaguely
disturbing cartoons? Hell no!
I come to look at a list of
shit that is way over my head
so that I can go
buy/watch/read/generally
consume said shit, thus
making myself look cool, and
more importantly,
self-important, leading to
the all important lay. You
kiddies are putting me into
the tightest squeeze here. I
mean, I am scrambling up the
steep wall of hep-dom and my
lifeline is shit, and this
shit has run soft.

Hal Quantz <halqua@teleweb.net>

Sometimes you have to go out
and find stuff that's way
over your head all by
yourself, son. You can't
depend on other people to do
it for you. Tip: Go to the
section marked "Cultural
Studies" and look for books
prominently featuring the
words "popular,"
"deconstruct," and/or
"commodify," but eliminate
anything that features
essay(s) on Madonna. And quit
falling into the Gap.

You-Know-Who Causing Yet
Another Stir

Subject: Alan Kornheiser

I feel so cheated and used.
After following the link you
provided on your letters page
to Simpleton, there HE was,
with a long-winded diatribe
on SOMEONE ELSE'S LETTER PAGE
- none other than Alan
Kornheiser!!! Oh the humanity
of it all!

All this time I thought he
was faithful to Suck, that he
blessed (more like clogged)
only Suck with his War and
Peace-lengthed look-at-me
letters, and now to find out
he's nothing but an Internet
email opinion-writing whore!
Oh the shame! Say it ain't
so, Alan!

Suckerpunch (A faithful Suck
follower who only has eyes
for the Fish!)

P.S. Heck, I even own the
book! P.P.S. Thankfully,
Alan's letters were not in
there.

You even own the book? Wow,
given our latest book sales
reports, that's up there with
getting the Fish tattooed on
your ass in terms of brand
loyalty.

As regards A. K.: Dr.
Kornheiser most likely reads
and writes to simpleton
because it's a good read.
Futhermore, we have never
considered these pages
"clogged" by his letters. Au
contraire - we wish Dr. K.
would grace us with his
opinions even more often.
Email whore? More like a
high-quality email slut. If
there were more of his kind,
the Fish would be much more
worthy of your undying
devotion.