for 6 February 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

As Phat as I Wanna Be

Subject: belated fatty
boombalatty rantings

apologies for response
latency to this pressing (==
sarcasm && != pun) issue,
however at first it appeared
that you provided all that
needed to be said on the
issue of big fat people. and
im a bit latent. but then of
course there were
sy/e-mpathetic outcrys for
those that, apparantly, are
merely hapless gulls to some
sort of conta-natural
coercion to eat little debbie
zebra cakes at *every* meal.
so i had to reassess my
position; could (shudder to
think...) suck be giving poor
advice? might it actually be
that my hefty brethren
deserve accolade rather than
admonishment for their
lifestyle of passive
resistance (insert ironic
Ghandi statement of your
choice here) to the New
American Dogma(tm) of
emaciation spurred on by
leggy supermodels and
pharisaical 17 year old
sirens? is it a bold
statement of the plebian that
heroin chic is wrong, and we
are not going to stand for
it, not in my subdivision?
but as it turns out, its just
lucky that naomi campbell and
her ilk were able to find
work that did not require
dry-rubbing men to
ejaculation in their Brooks
Brothers suits, and as anyone
who knows a junkie will
corroborate, heroin addicts
*are* hot. so im still right
and you are still fat. but
the problem remains, fat guys
are funny. how does one get
around that? for the same
reason amos and andy were
funny. self-mockery is always
funny, because even though
you smoke crack in your
mother's basement, you are
not *that* guy. in order to
make a vain attempt at
curtailing more garrolous
ponification, the following
will be terse: if you are fat
because food is a crutch
because ding dongs were there
for you when daddy was not,
shoot junk, and watch the
pounds fade away.

->me

Daddy's ding-dong wasn't
there for you?

Filler: Wee Creatures of the
Forest

i love filler. this week's
was hilarious.

i was surprised, however, to
find that your conception of
new media contains no
designers, art directors,
artists or programmers. that
sounds a lot like old media
to me (not that artists and
art directors are new). for
example, without the
INCREDIBLE art of terry colon
i think that suck would...
well.. suck.

artists can be animals too!

Scott Roberts <scaatt@execpc.com>

In the interest of avoiding
angering Terry Colon by
portraying him as, say, a
wild boar, I left out the art
types. Understand that each
and every time I offend Terry
Colon, he makes my cartoon
character's head look longer
and more rectangular, and
just generally more
end-table-like, not to
mention those boobs you could
sharpen a knife with ... We
earthworms are so very vain.
You understand.

Polly

Baby Fish

I remember seeing one time a
cute baby Fish in diapers,
with the caption "fresh
fish." This was the cutest,
most adorable, heartwarming
picture I've ever seen on
Suck. I am in a mood where I
really want to see something
cute, adorable, and
heartwarming, so I was
wondering if you could use it
again sometime soon to
advertise your fish section.

Thanks, Timothy Tolle

Sorry. No can do. Better tune
into Muppet Babies for your
fix.

Vodka on Ice

Perhaps I've been biased by
the one-hits I did right
after breakfast, but I think
today's Suck is the funniest
thing you guys have done in
months. It was the kind of
straightforward Suck I like
the most, lots of punchlines,
no messy existentialism. I
especially liked the way you
lined up and skewered an
entire series of celebrities
and made it look easy. Well,
on second thought, how hard
could it be?

I used to sympathize with
Robert Downey Jr.'s tragic
talent, but thanks to you,
now I understand that he's
just another druggy,
two-dimensional Hollywood
schmoozer. Thanks for the
tune-up.

You rip, Suck! You rip!

Zenarchy
<Zenarchy@aol.com>

While we've heard that
Downey's prison time has
actually been that of the
average inmate's, it's still
hard to extend sympathy for
him. If we did, we'd have to
sympathize with the thousands
of other people who are
sitting in jail simply
because they're reckless drug
abusers (we encourage those
one-hits for Suck enjoyment
purposes, but watch
yourself ...), and
unfortunately we just don't
have that much sympathy to go
around.

In any case, you should
direct your sympathy toward
Christian Slater, whom we
hear (by way of Liz Smith) is
actually planning to use his
hard time productively -
apparently, he's the one we
really should have focused
on, since he's actually
writing a book. No word on
what the subject is.

Regards,
Huck

Today's piece on Downy Jr.
that you and Terry put
together made me giggle like
a little schoolgirl. To hell
with the angsty commentaries -
more angsty cartoons!

Nathan Root
<nathan_root@ltx.com>

Sorry, Nathan, we're going
for the giggly young adult
male consumer demographic,
not the giggly schoolgirl
demographic. No more cartoons
for you.

Regards,
Huck