for 11 February 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

"The Beetle is especially
stalwart in the second and
third worlds, not so much
because it doesn't break
down, or even because it's
easy to repair, but because
one person can simultaneously
push it and steer it - a
lesson American baby boomers
learned when they were too
stoned to notice the funny
little fuel gauge had gone
empty." - WRONG!!!

Take it from a genuine
boomer, kiddo, the '60s VW
Bugs HAD NO FUEL GAUGE. They
had a small auxillary gas
tank the driver activated by
turning a handle. It was good
for another 50 miles or so.
You waited until you ran out
of gas in your main tank,
turned the handle, and then
stopped at the next gas
station if you knew what was
good for you. What a stoned
hippie might forget to do was
TURN THE HANDLE BACK when he
or she got to that gas
station. If so, the next
time, the auxiliary tank was
drained completely too,
before you'd hear that
telltale sputtering. You'd
reach down to flip the handle
and - OH SHIT, I FORGOT TO
CLOSE IT THE LAST TIME I GOT
GAS!!! THEN you got out to
push. But yeah, we'd forget
to reset the auxiliary tank
valve handle 'cause we were
really, really high on
excellent stuff you kids
could not possibly imagine
getting these days, and also
completely addled from
constantly having intense
multiple partner orgiastic
sex all the time, and
although the Internet is
really cool, let's face it,
if you had a choice between
living in a time with Web
browsers or one with drugs
and action like what I just
described, which would YOU
choose? That's why boomers
are so damn smug - we got
both.

Walter Bauer
<BauerW@DynCorp.com>

It's like a breath of fresh
air hearing about those heady
days before the insidious
rise of methamphetamine,
lycra, and carpal tunnel.

Actually, I remember my 1972
Beetle convertible had a
remarkable fuel gauge. A full
tank was "1/1." Half a tank
was "1/2," and empty was
"0/1."

In this case, that old
"half-empty/half-full"
argument became somewhat
muddled. The fact that the
car also had a spectacularly
dangerous gas heater was
related only in the sense
that its fumes made me not
care about anything at all.
Just like a hippie!

So, you see, we have more in
common than you thought.

Best wishes for your
continued health and active
lifestyle,
E. L. Skinner

Dear Sir,

I am glad you're addressing
the problem. Ten years as a
mechanical engineer and auto
hobbyist of the baling-wire
school has shown me that
selling the appearance is
what they do in the
transportation industry, from
Cal Worthington up to DBAG.
Recessions are the only way
to get qualitatively decent
designs onto the market ('60
Falcon, '84 Civic).
Rush's "Red Barchetta"
suggests the "motor law" is
what it'll take to improve
transport efficiency during a
long economic boom. In the
Bay Area, you're enjoying a
ridiculously high supply of
money, which just fled from
Hong Kong, fulfilling the
human-interest economist's
wet dream of "full
employment." It will last for
several years.

Since VW (Kraft durch Freude)
was one of the only others to
adopt the DRL's, and since
the general mommy has
realized that people with
above-average visual acuity
are really pissed off by the
things, and that yellow is
actually a gentler color for
the things than white
(although they haven't
figured out that you could
have computer intelligence
that only turns 'em on when
the driver's driving like an
asshole or falling asleep),
are you suggesting a VW
trademark DRL color? Most of
the elder bug people I know
who now use shitb' Hondas
(check out that the CRV and
hatchback have the same
wheelbase and are within a
few inches of width) seem too
guilt-ridden to have been
involved in getting high, so
I doubt the connection you
draw. Of course they could be
lying.

Ken Kesey suggests
steel-belted radials should
last forever, since they are
impractical to grind up, but
your prominently located
analogy of the radial being
wrapped around the car is
awkward. A 900 Saab's seat
will fail under a fat person
in a fashion that suggests a
commode. Indoor potties are
good. That the real Chitty
was a German-airplane-engined
top-speed specialist only
suggests what right-thinking
ecologists ought to be doing
with their lengths of steel
tubing, their welder, their
series-one Civic with the
warped head, and their old
Dodge. A Bug, by contrast,
may be rebuilt in its
original conformation due to
plentiful parts, but let's not
delude ourselves regarding
its airy engineering. Below
45 degrees latitude, you
(when inevitably rebuilding
the engine) jet the carb to
make it gasoline-cooled.

Sincerely,
Peter Robert

Hi Robert,

And thanks for your comments,
which are as vexing as a
vacuum leak.

I personally think you're a
genius to cull valuable
political insights from
mid-'80s Rush albums, but you
might want to switch to
unleaded for, you know, your
personal use.

On the other hand, you could
put a quart of 10W-40 in your
windshield-wiper fluid
reservoir and port that
directly into your carb,
making a dandy, on-demand
Johnny Quest smokescreen
whenever you go to wash your
windows.

But it certainly won't pass
emissions in California.

Best regards,
E. L. Skinner

Textual Conduct Unbecoming

Yes, I enjoyed your piece on
the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
I agree it amounts to
nothing, really. And all the
hoopla is because the media
loves a scandal as does the
opposing Republican Party.
But, politically, it's little
more than payback for a
number of scandals during the
last two Republican
administrations. They also
amounted to nothing except a
lot of press rantings and
ravings.

The thing about Clinton is
that he's a pure politician,
never, to my knowledge,
holding a real job at any
time in his life, and
foisting more and more
socialism upon this country
in incremental doses. He and
Hillary hold themselves before
the country as being morally
clean, yet it seems they are
the opposite. It seems there
is little they wouldn't stoop
to if it helped them
politically or monetarily.

The fact that Clinton's
partners have been indicted
and pled or found guilty in
shady real-estate deals
probably indicates that the
Clintons have abused the
system as well but so far
have gotten away with it. But
while the esoteric dealings
in Whitewater have so far
gone unpunished because
they're a little too high on
the food chain to get
indictments against, a sex
scandal is something the
average man can and does
understand.

So, even though the Lewinsky
affair may amount to nothing,
it seems that it serves as
poetic justice for Clinton
getting away with so much
before. Not that he's any
worse than the average
politician. But that he does
not represent my interests or
the best interests of the
country.

T. Bauder
<tbauder@cyberramp.net>

Most presidents have a long
string of real jobs before
they go into politics, right?
Bill and Hillary are sneaky
and dirty, but Reagan was a
stand-up kinda guy, right?

Those of you who are "morally
clean" can cast the first
stone.

If having heart disease can
be a blessing (although it's
denied me Suck access for a
few weeks), it must be in the
form of not being able to
gaze or hear through the
morphine, Demerol, and
Percoset haze that
accompanies surgery and
recovery to know the
goings-on in Washington, DC,
the press, TV, et al. Thanks
for your unique sensibility
in synopsizing this media and
political morass, although
I'm still opting for DMX
radio and New Age music, and
now that I can again read
Suck, that too. The nice
thing about never having
voted for, liked, been fooled
by, believed in, enamored
with, or concerned about Bill
Clinton is that I can view
his personal behavior to be
inconsequential, and dwell
frequently on the real
problems concerning his
conduct in office as the
chief executive and the
inevitable legacy he'll leave
us with. Anyway, good stuff.

Dave George, San Jacinto, CA

Morphine! Demerol! Not
hearing the news can't
possibly be the biggest
blessing of your condition!

We wish you a speedy
recovery.

Bowled Over

You forgot to mention the
advertiser that had the
biggest impact: "America's"
leading maker of sports
apparel: Nike. The "I can"
ad, featuring The Verve's
"Bittersweet Symphony," is
evidence of a depressing but
nonetheless zeitgeisty trend:
using a NEW song that is
currently on the radio, in
ads. In the past, moldy
oldies that were used to
appeal to baby-boomer
nostalgia were the norm.
They're still around, but
they're on the wane, with
advertisers shifting their
target and, in turn, their
style (music, editing, etc.)
to a younger and increasingly
affluent (some of us)
demographic.

When that ad came on, with
the stirring string
arrangement, my heart sunk.
Just one more thing to blur
the line between art,
commercials, consumerism,
and celebrity. If I were 15
and had bought that CD, I
probably would have thrown it
out.

David A Zweig
<david_a_zweig@smb.com>

Don't give yourself so much
credit at 15, buddy. You
weren't that wise. Besides,
CDs weren't around when you
were 15, and you know it.