for 27 February 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

If Fishes Were Horses

Subject: Revealed

websitegarage.com informed me
that I had a misspelling on
one of my Web pages:

Possible Misspelled Words:
suckster

Suggestion: huckster

Steve Silberman
<digaman@wired.com>

"Huckster" appears more times
than "suckster" in our
mission statement, so this
isn't too much of a stretch.

I Just Spilled Something on That
Girl

Gentlemen,
Screeds of young women with
large sensuous mouths who
bear witness of sex with the
Chief Executive, and sex at
all, are a privilege of those
who are not hungry. Think of
her as Elvira without talent,
class, or a life.

Reminds me of my continental
breakfast at the Idaho Falls
Ameritel, straight out of
Alan Kornheiser. CNN ran
back-to-back stories of
infant sex penetration, the
room was full of scrubbed
insurance moguls paying
side-attention to the porno,
and I just turned up my
Walkman like some Unabomber.

Pax, St. Brendan

We're not at liberty to say
whether or not Monica had
talent, class, or a life
before this incident, but
we've got some idea of what
her life looks like after
this, and it's not too
pretty. But don't listen to
us: We never liked Nancy
Kerrigan much and we've
always felt a little sorry
for Tonya Harding.

One thing's for certain:
writing snippy letters about
poor Monica is most certainly
a privilege of those who
aren't hungry. Responding to
such snippy letters is the
work of Other Well-Fed types.
Reading such snippy letters
over lunch at the office is
most definitely not the
pastime of The Hungry.

All this talk is making us
hungry.

Technicolor Yawn

Subject: Jesse's Plug in Suck

I was just wondering why your
strip featured Jesse Jackson
riding with Travolta/Clinton
in your Friday, 13 February issue.
The character in the
passenger seat in the segment
that had the
Quarter-Pounder-with-cheese
gag looked much more like
Jesse than Samuel L. Is this
an accident or a conspiracy
to make the populace believe
that Jesse Jackson is part of
the Clinton Sex Scandal.
(Possibly an accomplice
needed to work zippers?)

Jacob
<aracauna@altamaha.net>

Terry always gets Jesse and
Samuel mixed up. It's the
result of some kind of early
childhood incident with the
Old Testament. He'd rather
not talk about it.

Milk + Pepsi: Generation
Hexed

Subject: Battle of the
Network Stars

So is it true? Are they
really going to bring back
the true sporting experience?
I have long waited for the
day when I may once again see
Adrienne Barbeau in a sports
bra, making her way through a
cleverly contrived obstacle
course. The Olympics have
become too political for my
taste! I want to see healthy
inter-network competition
once again! Bring back the
stars!

Joe Mango, Somewhere in the
'70s

Ever since The Network Stars
got self-important enough to
take even the Emmys, let
alone the Golden Globes,
seriously, such tomfoolery as
"Battle of the Network Stars"
seems horribly
unsophisticated. Can we
really imagine George Clooney
on the obstacle course
opposite some twerp from
Chicago Hope?

Well, of course we can. But
the network stars of today
would rather don their
Versace and strut like
masters of the silver screen
than goof off like masters of
the boob tube. Who do they
think they're kidding? The
Peacemaker? The Pallbearer?
The Candlestick Maker? The
Gallbladder?

Anxious to put the boob back
in the tube,

Sucksters

The Suck Book

I went out and bought the
book. I think you guys
deserve it. And I am not
sorry I did.

Too bad I did not understand
half of what was there! I do
not read Suck that often, but
when I do, I usually find it
very entertaining,
irreverent, and not too
demanding. The book is very
different. Granted, I am not
from this country, I do not
watch TV, and many of the
cultural references are hard
for me to understand, but I
found the book boring. So can
you please publish another
book, EZ Suck, which will
have more cartoons and less
of deep thinking?

I will buy it.

Peace,
Pavel Plachky
<pavel@earthling.net>

Naturally we understand and
support your request for less
of deep thinking.

Look for less of deep
thinking in the near future.

On that note ...

Subject: A topical poem for
your consideration

"The President's Pee-Pee,"
by Jeffrey Seeds

The president's pee-pee was
  discussed on the news,
Reporters were shameless, as
  if drunk on booze,
Tabloid journalism ran all amuck,
But I don't care who the
  president fucked.

Every TV channel pre-empted
  its shows,
To broadcast again
  what everybody knows,
It won't stay in the pants,
  that's the way it's made,
But I don't care who the
  president laid.

Republicans circled and
  prayed in church,
For horny Bill to fall from his perch,
Ken Starr inquisitioned and
  Newt just mooed,
But I don't care who the
  president screwed.

Pollsters polled and pundits
  punted,
Saddam smiled and the
  Pope just grunted,
Bumper stickers commanded it,
   so many horns honked,
But I don't care who the
  president bonked.

The right went wild and the
  left shut up,
The world stared at his
  zipper when Bill stood up,
The nation debated and
   discussed and called,
But I don't care who the
  president balled.

With so many words to
  describe this thing,
That they do in Moscow
  and they do in Beijing,
Though Puritan culture
  says it shouldn't be allowed,
I really, truly, honestly
   don't care who the president plowed.

Jeffrey A. Seeds
<u1011094@warwick.net>

Work on your meter and get
back to us.

Filler Filler

Subject: I've gotta have a
Filler book!

Polly, Polly, Polly!

I've written before about my
methhead-like need for a
Filler book, and how weak it
was to have you represented
like a sucka in the Suck
book, but, man, these dating
columns of yours have pushed
me to a whole new level
(like, a crackhead level). I
mean, shit, man, it's so damn
funny! Never have I seen a
Matt Groening bit
appropriated with such verve,
such je ne sais
quoi/cojones/chutzpah/balls!
Phew! Your shit's da bomb,
baby. It's gotten so the Suck
book I have is like nothing
more than an angry rebuke to
my impotent yearning....

So, anyway, I just wanted to
let you know that: (choose
one)

a) You rule, b) I want, no,
need (like a crackhead,
remember?) that Filler book,
c) I'm a psycho stalker and
I'm watching you right now,
and d) a and b

The correct answer is d.

Later,
David H. Your number 1 fan
(send presents)

I'm glad to see that there
may, in fact, be a strong
market for EZ Suck: Less of
Deep Thinking. As the
self-proclaimed center of the
Less of Deep Thinking
Movement, I can think
(shallowly) of nothing better
than a book of Filler.
Especially if it doesn't
include the boring ones that
aren't funny.

Your support, however
crack-addled, is greatly
appreciated.

Polly

P. S. You've got it all
wrong. The fan is the one
who's supposed to send the
presents.