for 11 March 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Filler: Hate Mail

I always love Filler ...
(although when Terry goes on
vacation, my love is sorely
tested), but you guys pulled
an absolute coup! The Henny
Youngman of the '90s? So hip!
So fresh! So shockingly
relevant! Did you guys
"arrange an accident" to
fluff your hit counter?

Keep up the good Suck....

Colin Campbell

That was a bizarre
coincidence, actually - I
wrote that timely headline
over a week before Mr.
Youngman's untimely death.
Shocking, yes. Hip and fresh,
maybe not.

Polly

Wednesday's column was such a
piece of work. I was
compelled to write this note
and tell you so. Screw those
whiny half-wits who can't get
the humor. You want me to
kill 'em for ya? Huh? Huh? Or
I'll kill someone else if you
like.

Uh. Anyway.

Nice to see I'm not alone in
The Land of the Flinchys (in
fact, it's getting kind of
crowded in here). And I was
so in love with Freddie that
when he died (on my birthday,
no less) I spent the next two
weeks, non-stop, eulogizing
the guy by making a massive
poster comprised of about 20
images from various points in
his career.

Well, that was a tangent.
Sorry. I'll go now.

Rev. Phobrek Taz
<ptaz@sph.harvard.edu>

You may be among a large
population of Mr. Flinchys,
but only approximately 12
percent of that population
openly admits its admiration
for Freddie Mercury. Consider
yourself special!

Tangent-Friendly and Mr.
Flinchy-Free for More Than
Six Years,
Polly

I only wish I were so lucky
to be picked on PERSONALLY in
a weekly Filler. Maybe if I
become a pretentious
ignoramus, who is neither
able to read between the
lines nor capable of picking
up on visual symbology, then
maybe you'd notice this
little prick that writes you
almost daily. Let's see ...
I'll give it a try! - "Hello,
my 'handle' is a trendy play
on words placed before an @
sign. I don't like your brand
of humor. It offends my
intellect, yet I never seem
to understand. It makes me
want to watch Comedy Central
for some quality sarcasm. Not
to mention your site is hard
to read on my WebTV."

Sincerely,
Cylindrical Meat Product
- How was that? Can I
be in the Fish now?

Tristan Tomaselli
<tristan@verio.net>

Just keep talking about
cylindrical meat products,
and you'll keep getting
published.

Polly Esther and Terry Colon,
Visual Symbologists

You wrote: "I'm glad to see
that there may, in fact, be a
strong market for EZ Suck:
Less of Deep Thinking." As
the self-proclaimed center of
the Less of Deep Thinking
Movement, I can think
(shallowly) of nothing better
than a book of Filler.

That's a fine idea, but
you've got the name all
wrong. "EZ Suck"? Suck has
never catered to the horny
adolescent/sexual appliance
demographic, and you don't
want to start now.

The Book of Filler has a nice
biblical ring, but you should
probably stick with the
leaders in this market and go
with Suck for Dummies.
Alternately, The Complete
Idiot's Guide to Suck has a
nice ring to it. Teach
Yourself Suck shows
potential, and you can always
fall back on Mavis Beacon
Teaches Suck, if the other
titles have been taken.

Best of luck on your new
publishing venture.

Is Mavis Beacon available?

I love her - she taught me
how to type!

Polly

Subject: Filler - bleagh

Your Wednesday Filler is
boring and not funny - dump
it. Whoever does it should
check out the opportunities
in hairdressing.

The other days are usually
pretty good.

Clifford Cary
<cliff@vicinity.com>

Clifford! How'd you know
about my secret interest in
cosmotology?!!

I'd listen to you and apply
to colorist school, but I
stopped taking advice from
big red dogs years ago.

More Boring and Less Funny
Than Ever, Polly

Office Despot

I enjoyed your piece today on
Dilbert and largely agreed
with it, but I would like to
pipe up and defend Tom
Tomorrow. If one looks
carefully at the interview
that Tomorrow did with
oh-so-insightful Salon on the
subject, one realizes that
Tomorrow never attacks Scott
Adams or Dilbert itself.
Instead, he reserves his ire
for the media furor over D
and news tabloids like
Newsweek appointing Adams the
new nuncio of the
(white-collar) working man.

Dan Mess
<roman@muc.muohio.edu>

I'm not sure what TT said in
the oh-so-insightful Salon,
but in the oh-so-funny
Dilbert-bashing book, his
views are crystal clear.

In any case, thanks for
reading,

Dre

Man, just when I was thinking
that Suck was about to merge
with Salon (American history
an endless series of deals
with the devil indeed), here
you come with a much-needed
send-up of this foolishness.

Academics who don't
understand why they and their
ideas are so unpopular should
take time out for your piece,
if they can fit it in between
deconstructed analyses of
Star Trek: Voyager and thick
treatises on the rise of
racial awareness,
corresponding to appearances
of that white cop on Sanford
and Son, who always got his
slang wrong.

As for Tom Tomorrow and
Salon, that one-note symphony
got old years ago. Any Web
site that would keep that
unfunny, heavy-handed
advertisement for the
clip-art industry while
junking "The Hero Santos"
deserves to stew in its own
latté-marinated
juices.

Thank you, drive through.

Please keep news of our
pending merger on the
down-low. And thanks for the
kind words.

Dre

Another Letter from Harvard

Dear Sucksters,

I just wanted to write to let
you know that I am a huge fan
of your site and have been an
avid reader for more than two
years. Filler is a particular
favorite of mine, but I enjoy
the content almost every day
and find it interesting,
thought-provoking, and often
quite funny. (Especially when
you take on such worthy
targets as Jon Katz, the
Washington media, and Fiona
Apple.)

Please don't let the
complaints of a certain
[person], who apparently is a
colleague of mine at this
particular institution, color
your view of all of us at
Harvard. People like him, who
appear arrogant,
condescending, and humorless,
and who believe that the SATs
actually measure "scholastic
aptitude" rather than how
white, male, and
upper-middle-class one is,
perpetuate an unfortunate
stereotype that many of the
rest of us have tried our
best to shatter. His attempt
in his first letter to make
sweeping, baseless
generalizations about Harvard
students would be funny if it
weren't so sad. Please resist
the temptation to do the
same.

Thanks so much, Sucksters,
for your excellent site. Keep
up the great work.

Dave Hopkins
<dhopkins@fas.harvard.edu<

Oh, we didn't think he was so
bad, actually. And remember,
Suck rose to glory on the
backs of countless, baseless
generalizations.

But thanks for writing in
with your 2 cents. We'll try
to adjust our baseless
generalizations accordingly.