for 15 April 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Smoke Out

I don't know what kind of weed
they have down there in
Tinseltown, but you should
have somebody check your math
when you're stoned; there is
some flawed arithmetic in
page two of Suck, 3 April
1998. For one thing Matthew
McConnaughey is the square
root of the Duke plus the
square root of Nicholson,
likewise for Ronald Reagan.
Next mistake, Reagan plus
weed equals Clinton, the
answer is actually
represented by (Reagan plus
the coefficient of Drag) over
the constant W squared (the
constant W being the net
weight of the Duffle Bag that
Cheech's cousin Red carries
around in Cheech and Chong's
next movie) minus Alzheimer's
equals Bill Clinton. The Big
Lebowski minus Basic
Filmmaking Skill equals Easy
Rider. A couple of decimal
places off on this one; the
actual math to arrive at Easy
Rider is: The Big Lebowski
plus Bowling minus Harleys
plus an Oscar equals Easy
Rider.

Of course, anyone who watches
the Oscars knows (like Mr.
Hand) that everybody at the
Academy is stoned.

Of course you were wrong on
page one, too. Hopper became
famous as Jordie in Giant in
'56, but he was in The Sons
of Katie Elder with the Duke
a few years before True
Grit, a minor point. Sorry to
be such a sniveling hard-ass
movie/math geek today, but
gosh it's Friday and I have a
headache from the night
before and somebody's gotta
try to keep you freewheeling,
stoned-out, NewMedia(tm)
scribes in line.

Your Pal,
craig guy@pixar.com

Our math has been checked by
scholars at Stanford, and
passed the test with flying
colors. However, as your
letter and about 75 others
reminded me, Dennis Hopper
was in a host of big-time
movies before True Grit. I
was under the impression that
True Grit, while it did no
justice to the Portis book,
was his first really
prominent role in an A-list
picture (The Duke won an
Oscar and so forth), but
since a 20-second search at
IMDB would have cleared up
the mystery, I have no
excuse. Except of course,
that I was high as a coon.

Vicki

Dennis Hopper got his start in
True Grit? Not counting Rebel
Without a Cause (1955),
Giant, Gunfight at the OK
Corral, The Sons of Katie
Elder, The Trip, Hang 'em
High, Cool Hand Luke?

Jack Shafer

Does Michael Kinsley know
you're wasting company time
with this kind of nonsense?
Those brain cells of yours
are intellectual property of
Microsoft. Exercise them
wisely.

Vicki

Is this Gen-X revisionist film
history? Like his friend
James Dean, Dennis Hopper got
his start on TV in the early
1950s. Beginning in 1955,
Hopper appeared in at least
18 movies before True Grit -
including two noteworthy
roles in Dean's films, Rebel
Without a Cause and Giant. In
the 1960s, Hopper appeared as
a guest star on numerous TV
shows.

Hopper's fame as an on-screen
druggie began in 1967 - two
years before Easy Rider - in The
Trip, the quintessential '60s
LSD movie.

There may be only one or two
degrees separating actors in
drug-related roles, but one
should maintain a
clean-and-sober perspective
on film history.

All right already! I don't
care if he was elected pope
before making True Grit.
Dennis Hopper is still a rat
bastard for the way he's been
treating Peter Fonda. And I
guess next you're going to
tell me Race with the Devil
wasn't Fonda's greatest
screen role, aren't you?

Vicki

RIVER'S EDGE??? Come on -
Feeeeeck, it's me, your
friend?

Crispin Glover, Keanu, Dennis
H. all smokin' out together
...

Thanks for the laughs,

Todd Mcguinness

As I recall, though, River's
Edge was a real buzzkill,
probing-the-dark-heart-
of-America type thing.
I was dealing strictly in
weird images/big laffs movies
for stoners.

Vicki

Clothes Minded

So school uniforms are fit
only for Catholic schools and
other fascist
dictatorships? The poor
little babies simply have to
be allowed to "express"
themselves, do they? Who
cares about GPA when you're
wearing a kick-ass pair of
Nikes, and you're king of the
schoolyard? As someone who
grew up in England wearing
the "same dopey thing" to
school every day, and as
someone whose mother couldn't
afford the latest kick-ass
Adidas, I'm glad I never had
to go through the torture of
not having the "right" or
"cool" wardrobe and suffering
the attendant insults from my
peers. Adolescence can be
pretty brutal at the best of
times without having to worry
about your bloody clothes on
top of everything else.
Self-expression is fine and
dandy, but there are other,
and better, ways of doing it
than a Tommy polo shirt -
isn't that what kids should
be taught?

Lee Caulfield

I can appreciate where you're
coming from, but it seems
unlikely that a simple dress
code will eliminate the
deeply couched class
rivalries you're talking
about.

Besides, here in the United
States I think it's less a
social/political problem, and
more a personal one. Having
grown up in American middle
schools where phys ed class
required a very strict dress
code (white Tee, white
shorts, white jock strap),
and having been a
"late-bloomer" in the showers
with more than a few "early
bloomers," I can attest that
a dress code had very little
effect on the ugliness and
brutality of adolescence.

E. L. Skinner

Skinner,

I got to tell you that I like
what you got to say. Very
funny shit sometimes that
makes me say "Hmmm," just
like Arsenio Hall used to.

But I worry about you. More
importantly, the potential
ulcers that will undoubtedly
evolve from your bitter
resentment for, oh,
everything. I want to know
what you like? What makes you
happy? What makes you smile
and think of non-drug-related
bliss?

Now I have no reason for
asking; that's not true. I do
have a reason. I am bitter as
well. I tend to look at
things as objects worthy of
my ridicule.... And I don't
like it anymore. I stay up
some nights regretting what I
said the day before. What
about you?

Am I to end up like you? Or,
are you to end up like me?
Either way, I'll still read
your column.

Dave G, Philadelphia

Alas, as a Gemini, I lead a
double life. No one at work
or home suspects that I have
an embittered, cynical Suck
doppelgänger.

Outwardly, I lead an exemplary
life, other than a taste for
good beer. Lots of good beer.
This little character flaw
helps extinguish the
"regrets" you mentioned.

E. L. Skinner