for 17 April 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Stupid Hate Mail Day!

Polly You seem like one of
those pussy-sucking
30-days-a-month PMS bitches.
Your sitting there knocking
Equinox trying to sound smart
and in all reality you don't
know SHIT. You were right
about one thing when you
become an IMD, you don't do
shit. But, I bet I still get
paid a hell of a lot more for
not doing shit than You. Try
SIX FIGURE INCOME BITCH.

Chris Kriger

How'd you know I was a
pussy-sucking 30-days-a-month
PMS bitch?

Enough about the six-figure
income, I'm turning
positively green with envy.
If only I could make a
fortune tricking others into
peddling water filters, my
life would finally be
complete and I wouldn't have
to suck so much pussy!

Polly

Subject: YOU SUCK!

Hello,

I read yer marijuana
thingamajig and I just want
to let you know that you guys
SUCK! If you are really
dope-smokers then you SUCK
about 10 times worse because
of your stupid, immature, and
uninformed pot jokes.... Why
don't you just go out of your
way to SUCK a little Fucking
Harder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go
back to smoking crack you
asshole Frat-Rocking
Schmucks! Hahhhh!

The Tiny Dr. Tim MSVL/CdC NSF

Now that's the best advice
we've heard in weeks!

Frat Rockin' On!

Sucksters

Polly,

I've heard rumors around
campus that your rag is a
pro-socialist effort to
spread your communist
undertones through the minds
of this country's young
people. I believe that the
policy-makers at thesuck.net are
in fact nothing more than a
group of unsuccessful
capitalists that have
stumbled on to yet another
get-rich-quick scheme. Sure
it's free now, but what will
it cost once more than 15
people read it per week.
People like you have made a
mockery of the World Wide Web
and it's promise for
tomorrow. Using this format
to fill your wallets with
cash is appalling. Suck.com
is a fitting name. YOU
SUCK!!!

Master9094

Spreading communist
undertones! That doesn't
sound very dramatic. That's
like hinting quietly that
your subtext is
ever-so-slightly left of
center. Surely our good work
disseminating commie salvos
deserves more respect than
this!

If Suck were a get-rich-quick
scheme, we all would've shot
ourselves in the head a long,
long time ago.

Polly

What the fuck are you talking
about? Face it: The Baffler
shredded Your corporate
running dog lackey sponsor,
that piece of eye-destroying
neon shit called Wired, with
infinitely more intelligence
and prowess than I've yet
witnessed in this sad little
Web site. All of you are
going to roast in the pit of
terminal irony, with hip,
ironic demons jabbing you in
your wide, secretary-spread
asses while you watch Magnum
PI until it isn't funny
anymore, until you see it as
the sickening product of a
cultural wasteland that it
truly is. You'll never, ever
be able to stop vomiting.

Stick to Robert Downey Jr.
satires. At least that was
funny. You're in way over
your heads with this one. And
another thing, I'm sick of
you trying to brainwash me
with Nike symbols embedded in
your character's faces. Cut
it out. And get them some
pupils, for god's sake. They
look like the offspring of
Little Orphan Annie.

Lantz Hawthorne

P. S. The above does not apply
to Ambrose Beers. He at least
knows what team he's batting
for.

Ooo, you insulted Wired. That
hurts, man!

Based on the sophistication of
your comments, our Nike
Brainwashing Program is truly
working!

Exuberantly yours,

Polly

P. S. Magnum PI is always
funny.

Smoke Out

Yeah, from Hollywood; good
portrayals, words, Vicki. I
don't think you missed a
thing regarding the 3 April
Suck. But what might you have
forgotten? I think you are
mistaken in one area:
familial connections. And
what about the "how to score"
section: Delivery in NYC
versus "your man" in LA ...
mirroring Show Biz attitudes.

great 'toons,

chris csolsen

You're right. I prefer the
Manhattan delivery system.
And we shouldn't forget the
Mayor's recent decree that
weed-delivery people show
greater civility. It's much
more civilized.

Vicki

"Smoke Out: High Times, Low
Concept" hit the spot pretty
darn good today. However,
like all of your readers, I
have a complaint. I've seen
City of Lost Children. And
I've seen it after hitting
myself in the head with a
velvet hammer. And it was
still fun. But nothing
compares to Lost Highway
after you've torched up some
dank nugs!
"We've met before, haven't we?"
"I don't think so."
"Where was it you think
we met?"
"At your house, don't you remember?"
"As a matter of fact, I'm there
right now."
"That's crazy man."
"Call me." beep boop
beep beep ring ring click "I
told you I was here!"

I can't believe you left it
off the pot
quotient/enjoyment factor
chart! What gives? This is
bullshit!

Breadmold

Yeah, and what about when Mr.
Blond was torturing that cop,
and the cop was like "No, no,
don't burn me up!" And Mr.
Blond was like "Shut the fuck
up!" And then Mr. Orange was
like "BLAM BLAM BLAM!"
fragging Mr. Blond's ass. Or
when Joe is like "Your name's
Mr. Pink." And Mr. Pink is
like "Fuck that, that sounds
like Mr. Pussy." And Joe's
just like "Shut the fuck up!"

I was laughing my ass off.

Vicki

Subject: Java permission to
send mail.

I liked the equation bit, but
the vapidity-center stimulis
part was something of a loss.
C'mon! Graft among senses
with not enough sensory
crossover, crossover of
genres with not enough
budget, and budget among
'Release' and other Dyson
things. That and leaving
doors open (oops...) are the
tenets of toxic and
hypertonic pot abuse. I just
fell way out of the
demographic Suck sends for.

Then again, I didn't want to
bid on an X-Files ROM either.

Steve Nordquist

Well at least somebody got
into the spirit of the
occasion by smoking a bowl
before crafting a response.
Thanks, Steve.

Vicki

So what's with the Zardoz
references? I think this is
the second time that Zardoz
has made an appearance in
Suck. Has someone there
actually seen this movie? I
thought no one in the world
had ever seen it except me
and my friends when it came
on about 3 a.m. one night.
Fantastic quote material too-
http://us.imdb.com/More?quotes+Zardoz+(1973).

If you like Zardoz you'll love
Blood Circus.

Nathan

Well, having seen this movie
at "3 a.m. one night" do you
have any objection to our
celebrating it in the pages
of Suck?

Sure, with its mock heroic
language, Zardoz might be
pretty easy to make fun of,
but I suspect when you and
your friends finished
watching it at 5 a.m., you
were awed by its apocalyptic
O'Henry ending, slack-jawed
at the big questions it
raises about humanity's place
in the universe, devastated
by its earth-shattering
profundity.

Vicki