for 22 April 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Soundbite Autopsy

Why am I writing you? Shit, I
don't know. Am I insane? Mad?
Seeking an alternate state of
consciousness through better
hand-washing techniques?
Could be.

<neonzen@hotmail.com>

All hand-washing leads
to is cleaner hands. For
consciousness-altering,
trying watching those
Saturday morning how-to-paint
shows. They work pretty well.

Huck

That's it?!?!

Shit, I might get something
done today.

GDS
<gdsimms@uiuc.edu>

Advertising and product
placement are only filling
the Suck coffers so much,
Geoffrey, so we're trying
something new: Really short
pieces subsidized by
companies/institutions who
actually want their charges
to accomplish something.
Looks like it's working. Can
we use your testimonial for
our marketing brochure?

Hi. I was wondering if you
have any thoughts on a theme
for a party. Make it funny.
Thank you.

<SmElLyCoW7@aol.com>

1. Buy lots and lots of
alcohol and party snax -
various flavored vodkas,
Southern Comfort, Night
Train, Fiddle Faddle,
Doritos, and several cans of
Cheez Whiz recommended.

2. Invite only people who you
publicly dislike but secretly
envy. Make sure to invite
them all at the last minute:
A scattered, insecure phone
message will work best.

3. When no one shows at your
"party," start obsessing
about what a loser you are
and how everyone hates you,
then gorge on all the booze
and food. You'll have a
blast!

Filler: Rich People Suck

Your overview of domestic
conspicuous consumption
trends (Filler 4.08, Excess
Baggage) reminds me of
another sort of extravagance,
shown in Apple co-founder
Steve Jobs' new home in Palo
Alto. He bought adjacent
houses on large lots in one
of the priciest residential
areas around, and then tore
down one of the houses to
plant a fruit orchard.

I expect this sort of urban
farmsteading to become a new
trend among our more
organically inclined
billionaires. As a wealth
display, you can't beat it.
What would a modest-sized
vineyard cost on Manhattan's
Upper East Side, for example?
How many people would notice
it? And yet, who wouldn't
enjoy living the "good life"
back on the land, perhaps
even off-the-grid, yet mere
steps away from the pleasures
of the city?

Zoning, tenancy, and
historical preservation laws
would pose obstacles in some
areas, but the legal fees and
payoffs necessary to surmount
them would only enhance the
mystique.

Paul Spinrad

That's outrageous and
nutrageous. Now if he lets
the fruit from the orchard
drop to the ground and rot,
then he'll really get our
collective panties in a
bunch.

Otherwise, it sounds better
than wasting it all on trashy
jewel-crusted designer
clothes that Courtney Love
sweated in.

Deja Voodoo

your books are in the rare
book room of grove city
college. english translations
of your fine works were done
by hans freidrich senholz
while he received one of only
two doctorates granted by
ludwig von mises.

John Dogger
<argents.mis@ibm.net>

Dear Mr. Dogger:

Thanks for your response.
According to Herr Professor
Doktor Sennholz himself, he
is one of four, not two,
Mises PhDs. The others, to my
knowledge, are Israel
Kirzner, George Reisman, and
Louis Spadaro. I have some
reason to believe there may
be at least one other, but
have as yet been unable to
verify.

Yours,
Eugen

I cannot believe, Eugen, that
you broke out the hatchet on
my sister industry. Just
waiting for an inflammatory
piece on PR ... much hipper
and more timely.

Maybe I should just reread
your column to make sure I am
flaming you appropriately.
Sorry I cannot be more
specific in my criticism.

Good to see you back on Suck.

Love,
Evil Pippy

Miss Pippy:

I go for truth and
importance, not hip and
timely, as you know. And I
was really going after
anti-ad intellectuals, not
the ad men - they've got
quite the scam going there,
and it isn't hurting anyone
but "The Man," man, so more
power to 'em. (An observation
in my original ms.
analogizing the ad men's
successful sucking of
money-for-nothing for
corporate heads to Suck's
very existence was, wisely,
edited out.) Good to see you
back in my mailbox, too.

Eugen

Fish on Fish, For Our
Fishcentric Readers

In the 4/8 Fish:

"Keep in mind that
titillating memories such as
yours can lead to delusions
of grandeur regarding
otherwise worthless, crusty
frat boys."

Alpha Delt(a Phi) in this
context is actually a
pretentious,
theater-o-centric, co-ed
"literary society" at
wesleyan u.

but some of their members are
crusty.

a tidbit for your files.

Samuel Effron
<Samuel-Effron@deshaw.com>

That makes sense, since
bellybutton-touching is much
more theater-o-centric than
typical frat boy activities.
"Were you the one who grabbed
my ass at that crowded,
barf-stained anchorman party
back in '94?"

Thanks for the useful
information. We'll file that
under "Crusty, Pretentious"
along with Eugen's comment
("I go for truth and
importance....") above.