for 8 May 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Filler: Pretension

Hey man,

While others just talk about
it, I actually have a really
uncreative job that has
already driven me crazy.
That's right.

You know how you really tell
pretension? It's all about
over-pronouncing the word
"baguette." Try it yourself.
Now say, "Could I really have
my sandwich on a baguette?"
"Yes, of course," I say,
"right after I take my
medication."

Chris

Perchance do you take that
medication AVEC your
baguette, or do you prefer
medication SANS baguette?

Now that's pretension to the
point of idiocy.

Which we strongly encourage.

Springer Fever

Subject: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Sucksters....

I recently had the grandiose
opportunity to
embarrass
myself on the Jerry Springer
show. I am an "adult
industry" photographer,
(http://www.fitzmulti.com) ,
and they wanted two of my
models to go on with me ...
one as my girlfriend (who was
gonna leave me for another
girl ... just after she
dropped the bomb on me that
they were both strippers). I
was supposed to be a wedding
photographer, who knew
nothing about the adult
entertainment industry! Yeah,
right! Needless to say, once
I found out that EVEN THE
PRODUCERS weren't gonna know
the TRUTH, I respectfully
declined this wonderful
opportunity. I spent that day
much more productively ...
photographing an all-new,
nude layout for 1997 Miss
Exotic Centerfold of the
Year, Venus Holliday,
(http://www.venusholliday.com) !

What would YOU have done if
you were me???

Love your site ... I read it
daily!

Brad Fitzgerald

We would have appeared on Jerry
Springer.

Stay tuned!

Toxic Shock

The question you asked, "Why
single out Microsoft?" is
deceptively easy. (You're not
trying to trick me are you?)
The reasons are many-fold:
Microsoft has bullied its way
into market domination,
approaching total monopoly;
they are one of the most
profitable corporations on
earth (now that I think about
it, that is probably the
chief reason). If you ask the
folks at Apple, Netscape, or
Sun, they would probably say
they only see Microsoft
getting stronger - no
surprise there. What is key,
though, is that if you were
to ask the average Joe or
Joanne if they thought they
were going to switch
operating systems anytime
soon to a non-Microsoft
product - the answer would be
80 percent NO.

It is true that Microsoft
hasn't killed anyone yet.
That being said, Bill
Gates has yet
to demonstrate that
he wouldn't buy a tobacco
company, a small
un-democratic country, or
nuclear weapons, etc. if it
suited Microsoft. Now
that I think about it, your
essay was just the teensiest
bit defensive of Microsoft -
You're not working for them,
are you?

And yes, if you were
wondering, I do derive most
of my income from selling
Apple computers.

Ted Sturk
<ted@mail.light.on.ca>

Your letter was just the
teensiest bit paranoid. Which
made us wonder more about
your nationality than your
employer, truth be told.

I am writing you to applaud
the story on Jerry Springer.
I have never laughed so much
in my life. The tears flowed
just as the words were read
on the page. The phrase "hit
the nail on the head" comes
to mind. Also, while I was
driving to work the other day,
I heard Jerry Springer is
going to make a guest
appearance on America's Most
Wanted. Why you ask? Well, in
case you didn't know one of
the most wanted is Jerry's
former guest.

<twilson@UU.NET>

We've heard this is in
preparation for a new hybrid
show - Springer's Most
Wanted. The rationale being:
AMW has never really
presented an adequate sense
of closure. Sometimes, a
fugitive is caught, but then
he's just led away in cuffs.
On the Springer version,
fugitives will meet their
victims face to face on
stage, for more visceral
justice, supposedly. We're
looking forward to the show's
debut.

Huck

Kudos to a job well done with
the Jerry Springer piece. I
especially enjoyed your
comments about kicking
Oprah's ass up and down. I
agree that the show may slip
into the SOS category without
some reshuffling. Here are
some additional ideas:

1. Mike Tyson and Evander
Holyfield reunion-hopelessly
desperate artists speak out
... should be an earful.

2. Twenty strung-out crack
addicts handcuffed to one
another playing Twister.
Winner gets a new pipe
autographed by Jerry.

3. Jerry make-over segment. A
drag queen, 12-year-old
hooker, and Hollywood
pornographer compete to
design a new look for Jerry.
Winner receives a lifetime
supply of smack and gets his
or her hotel paid for.

<mmcfee@thegrid.net>

Let's give Tyson a shot at
competing in the make-over
contest, too.

Huck

"... they kick less often
than William S. Burroughs in
Tangier...."

That is the most gratuitous
pseudo-intellectual reference
I've read in a long, long
time - and in a column about
the Jerry Springer show, no
less. Oh, how it brightened
my day!

<nietojo@bc.edu>

That was the most gratuitous
pseudo-intellectual reference
you've read in a long, long
time? Clearly, you're not
reading Suck often enough,
Jose.

Huck

I can't believe you left out
the most important part of
the Jerry Springer story -
the portion that every red-
blooded Buckeye knows by
heart. He was forced to
abandon his gubernatorial
ambitions because of the very
thing he exploits in his
guests, base LUST. When Jerry
was running for Governor of
Ohio, the story got out that
he had bounced a check ... to
a hooker in the Sin City of
Newport, Kentucky (conveniently
located over the river from
that bastion of righteousness
that is Cincinnati). The
outrage was not that he used
the services of the
occasional "hootchie woman,"
but that he was dumb enough
to pay for it with a check
and doubly dumb enough not to
have the funds available in
his account to cover the
transaction. Jerry blamed the
bad weather on election day
for a low turnout, the rest
of us knew the real reason.

Sounds to me like the hooker
who took a check and didn't
get paid was the dumb one.
That Jerry's pretty sly.

Huck

Finally, I have found you
back on the pages of Suck.com
only to find you more
bitter/sardonic than ever.
What happened during your
hiatus?

<:jnovak@darkwing.uoregon.edu>

Can't you tell? I've been
hanging out and watching
Springer....

Huck