for 15 May 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Wake-Up Call

Hope I'm not the 4,157th to
ask this question, but how
many cups of joe did it take
you to write that rant?

<LinkoFever@aol.com>

I'm not going to lie to you:
Writing is a horrible
soul-draining chore, and the
only way to generate the kind
of energy it requires is to
induce limited schizophrenia
- which caffeine does very
nicely on a short-term basis.
You can get a similar effect
with a non-lethal dose of any
toxin or allergin.

DJ Abraham Lincoln

What the hell (heck if you're
reading this in Utah)! The
IRS and everyone else missed
it totally. I find the
practice "relax have a home
brew" much more effective
than five cups of coffee.

Devin Howells
<superfuz@utah.uswest.net>

Ah, I see you're also a
follower of the Teen
Christian Action Fellowship
mailing list, radio network,
and trashvertising campaign.
It's true, home brews can be
relaxing when they don't
contain wood spirits or
hemlock, but intensive media
research shows Americans
between the ages of 15 and 35
are more likely to smoke pot
in a funny pipe than do
anything that resembles
witchcraft. Just a friendly
reminder.

Yours inside Jesus,
DJ Abraham Lincoln

"On April 15th, though,
jazzed Starbucks workers
jogged the steps of the
General Post Office,
dispensing congratulatory
cups from 50-gallon
backpacks."

Damn, they must have been
jazzed indeed! By my
calculations, that's more
than 400 pounds per backpack.
Cancel those Sherpa porters,
I'm climbing Everest with
some chronically dilated
Starbuckers. How many
espresso beans should I eat
before I move my piano?

Brian Gray

Maybe you should apply at the
National Council Association?
For the record, those
backpacks were probably truly
8-to-10-gallon capacity,
which is still too much to be
huffing up and down the
endless entryway to the New
York GPO. Starbucks should
work out a distribution deal
with the IRS, so we can get
some instant espresso with
our instant refund.

DJ Abraham Lincoln
the Selector

Target Practice
Praise:

I first read about Suck in a
Wired magazine article. It
sounded like it'd be a good
read, and though I had jotted
down a little sticky note to
check it out later, it took
me, ahem, awhile to get to
it. Boy have I been missing
out!

Months passed, until one day
last week I got exceedingly
bored and was looking for Web
sites that might be worth
visiting. Out of the blue, I
typed in www.thesuck.net, and up
comes the now familiar "a
fish, a barrel, and a smoking
gun." Then the artwork
started trickling over the
lines. I began to read, and
was soon laughing
hysterically. I've been
called a cynic before, and in
harsher terms than that, but
you guys take the cake!

One thing that still gets me
is the fish, barrel, and gun
line. It seems profound, but
I know it to be a derivative
of a shallow and overused
cliché. The line even
uses its own cliché
status to mean more than it
says. It's as if to say, "If
you 'get' this joke, then
you're a potential target."
Beautiful!

Keep up the good work.

Michael
<skan19@idt.net>

Welcome to our growing family
of potential targets.

Family Jewels

Are you a dyke??? What's
wrong with this drug for
men?? If a man loves a woman,
then what's the problem if he
needs a drug to aid him in
satisfying her pleasures?

<Name Withheld to Protect
The Limp>

Ah, the "ribbed ... for her
pleasure" argument.

Actually, Viagra was the
least of my interests. My
point was that biotechnology
is often so focused on
splashy projects - like
pest-resistant crops and
flaccidity-resistant pests
(er, men) - that things like
the interruption of the human
reproductive cycle look like
a wee side effect. Same with
poverty and poor education,
which are almost certainly
more to blame for youth
violence than are Doom, South
Park, or anything "essential"
to "male culture."

xxxooo,
LeTeXan

Due to your related
experiences, I was hoping you
could help.

We are a market leader in the
development of novel
therapeutic urological and
cardiovascular devices
located in the Midwest. We
are seeking a reliability
engineer to be responsible
for all aspects of
reliability from product
design to service.
Individuals out of aerospace,
defense, medical products,
and other high-tech
industries will be
considered.

A BS degree in engineering or
a related science with three
years in electronics or
electromechanical systems
reliability is needed.

I can offer a competitive
salary ($70,000) and
comprehensive benefits. (61A)
If you know someone that
would be interested I can be
contacted at:

Larry Chiaravallo

Um ... Glad you liked the
piece.

However, contrary to the
impression you may have
gotten from my mouthing off
about Viagra, I'm not really
in the "urological and
cardiovascular devices" game.

Or are you hitting on me?

Regardless, send the $70K
along ASAP - preferably in
unmarked, nonsequential tens
and twenties.

LeTeXan