for 24 June 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

More Dumber Mail

Hey,

What's the deal with Conan
O'Brien? Why the hell does he
wear that same suit every
day?

lurch pop
<lurchpop@hotmail.com>

He does that just to bug
you.

Subject: Things in Canada
that suck from a Canadian.

People who bitch about jokes
get on my nerves. There is a
large number of things that
suck in Canada, I should know-
I fucking live there, but
there are good with the bad.
I live in one of the most
backward fucked-up places in
the country, Newfoundland.

Things that suck in
Canada:
1) Two-week summers
2) The Canadian Football
League
3) The Toronto Raptors
4) Toronto
5) Quebec (that could get
me into trouble)
6) Canadian television
7) Loyalty to a British
queen, when every
Canadian knows that our
true queen is her
highness Shania Twain
8) Bilingualism
9) No drive-through liquor
stores
10) Our neighbors. As long
as you guys keep on
polluting our environment
we'll keep on sending
losers like Michael J.
Fox and William Shatner
down across the border.

Things that are cool
about Canada:
1) Hockey
2) People from other
countries like us
3) Clean air, in most
places anyway
4) The beer
5) Health care- we need it
for all the colds we get
in our almost eternal
winters
6) Toronto Blue Jays
7) Donovan Bailey
8) No Jerry Springer Show
9) Don Cherry
10) Our dollar bills are
in different colours
(please notice the
spelling on colours, it
is Canadian, correct).

People of America beware.
Canada is marshalling its
forces to the Northwest as we
plan to take over Alaska. Our
superior teams of dog sleds
are in position and are
waiting for orders. If you
resist, our elderly will no
longer travel to your
southern states and your
economy will fall. With the
fall of the economy comes the
Canadian Revolution, so heed
my warning Americans, and
practice your smiles and
thank-yous, we're coming.

Trevor Langer
<chunk66@hotmail.com>

America's pretty cool, too,
except for the fact that 80
percent of our gross national
product is generated by
elderly Canadians vacationing
in our southern states, which
means that we're quite
literally at the mercy of
Canada and their bastions of
giant evil sled dogs.

Opinions: Limited Time Offer

Having just recently
discovered Suck, I have been
busy reading through The
Barrel in my spare time.
About a month ago, I hit "Get
A Lifestyle" from 11/20/96,
with its great critique of
that insipid "lifestyle"
guide for cigar poseurs,
P.O.V. Not more than two days
later, a cellophane-bagged
copy of P.O.V. appeared in my
mailbox. Not one to chalk
things up to divine
intervention, I figured it
belonged to the
incapable-of-filling-out-
a-change-of-address-card
dumbass who lived in my
apartment eight months ago,
and threw it on top of the
refrigerator with his last
three month's worth of
American Express bills.

A week ago, another P.O.V.
shows up. This time I check
the label, and it is to me. I
check the label on the bagged
copy, it is to me also. The
problem is, I think P.O.V.
sucks and would never pay
money for it! I figure maybe
it was a friend playing a
practical joke.

In the first P.O.V.'s bag was
a cardboard insert stating
that, by the way, Spy
Magazine has gone out of
business. And they are sure
that I will be excited to
know that for the rest of my
two-year subscription to Spy
magazine, I will receive
P.O.V. instead!

This month's P.O.V. headline
for hard-charging
high-finance go-getters:
"Moonlighting for Fun and
Profit."

Oh! The horror!

Living large,

H. L. Williams
<rasnesta@aol.com>

P.O.V. for Spy ... that
sounds like a fair trade.

We'd pay them not to deliver
P.O.V. to our door.

Inaction Heroes

Hello, I read Filler every
week and love it. Good work!

I noticed that in today's
installment, the Inaction
Heroes adventure, Monkey Girl
and Squirrel Boy didn't even
bother helping out with the
looming crisis at the Hall of
Injustice. No doubt Monkey
Girl was too busy messing
around with Passive-Agressive
Girl's boyfriend and someone
at the Hall of Injustice made
the mistake of actually
inviting Squirrel Boy to hang
out with them.

Anyway, you've inspired me to
send a few thousand copies of
the Squirrel Boy's picture to
my "friend" who needs only
the suit to match his
description. Who knows? If he
gets it, I may not even go to
prison for a "denial of
service" attack.

Wish me luck,

Brian Preston
<Brian.Preston@Eng.Sun.COM>

Monkey Girl and Squirrel Boy
are too cool for the Hall of
Injustice. They prefer to
sneak up when you least
expect it and ruin
everything.

Ahem, depending on who you
are, that is. Given the
number of people that wrote
in requesting Monkey Girl's
number ...

You forgot one hero. Actually
a pair that always go
together: The Moron Brothers.
They'll whine, they'll bitch,
they'll fuck you if you're
rich.

Andrew
<fonebone@gte.net>

Never met them, but I'm
betting they don't get laid
very often.