for 17 July 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Things I Like

Dear Sucksters,

You guys are smart and funny.
You guys write a lot of stuff
that makes me laugh. I like
to read your stories so I
feel smart and funny, too.
Did you guys have to go to
school for a long time to be
that smart? The pictures make
me laugh. Thanks for telling
me what you like. I like
Frisbees and French toast.

Love,

Teddy
<tvanhuisen@hotmail.com>

The unfathomable email.

More of our readers should
think the way you do, young
man.

We like hyenas and indoor
tanning systems. Wait - do
they have to start with F? We
like freaks and fried cheese
and flip-flops and foghorns
and firearms.

Aspiring Infomercial
Dramatist

interested in learning how i
can get into infomercials as
an actress. email for more
details. i've attached a
photo for your review.

<ellumina2@aol.com>

Wow. Setting our sights a
little high, aren't we?

Getting Slapped Silly

Subject: CHiPs & Salsa

It's cool, really cool, how
you write stuff that's
interesting and not
necessarily newsworthy. I've
got the shortest attention
span, and it's great that as
soon as I get bored with Erik
Estrada's lameness, I
immediately get slapped in
the face with that salsa
thing. Keep up the half-assed
work.

Shelby Thomas
<shthomas@johnco.cc.ks.us>

Hey, we like your subject
title. Is that copyrighted,
or can we use it?

Roasted Half-Ass with Side of
Potatoes,

Sucksters

Subject: Lilith Fare

The Fish told me you were
planning to cover the Lilith
Fair, so I thought I'd offer
a FREE review. Just one man's
opinion, but the only value
you'll get from that
traveling freak show.

Let me start by saying that I
was really excited to go, I
liked the performers on the
bill, and the whole affair
was to be a surprise for my
wife (fourth anniversary).
The only surprise was how bad
it SUCKed.

Now, as a starving "artist,"
coughing up the $34 EACH for
shitty lawn seats was tough
enough, but add $6 to park
and $4 a gag for
cold-in-the-middle discount
gardenburgers ...

The sound system was so weak
it couldn't even drown out
the decibel levels of "La
Bamba" throbbing from any
lowrider I pass during my
daily commute. We got lucky
if a light breeze carried the
tunes back to us.... What's
worse - in between songs,
these self-appointed sirens
of Lilithism would share
their profound social views
in hushed tones reserved
apparently for those only in
the front two rows. I think
those people left thinking
the concert was an "intimate
affair." The three TV
monitors mounted toward the
back for us po' folk hardly
worked - a few minutes at a
time at best and not until
the concert was three-quarters over. But
did we see performers on
them? Only once!! Natalie
Merchant beamed into the back
rows (the best "stage
presence" by the way) for a
brief moment of ecstasy. Then
they went blank again. For
the rest of the Fair they
shamelessly promoted upcoming
concerts against a plain blue
screen. Prior to that the
only time they came on was
while roadies changed drum
sets between acts.

You want to blame all this
technical bullshit on someone
else? Fine. But what it comes
down to is production value.
They didn't spend the money
to make it a proper show, and
with what they took you for
in ticket prices, man, this
should have been at least a
"good" show! Sarah M's idea
of high value is $10.00 worth
of vinyl banners hung beside
the stage.... And the crowd
bought it! Every stupid drunk
with their clove cigarettes
and European hair styles,
sneering girl-girl power as
they stepped on your head and
spilled Coors down your back,
kicking over your lemonade
and slurring a cross-eyed
apology as they stumbled
toward the beer vendor. I
love that brash
anti-authoritative attitude
that says, "We'll smoke in
spite of the signs, maybe
even pot, and yeah, I'll
enter a raffle to win a free
VW!" The crowd didn't come to
see the concert, they came to
be seen at the concert.
That's why the music didn't
matter, and that's why the
presentation doesn't matter
to Sarah. Your supposed to
dig it no matter what,
because don't you know? It's
cool to BE AT the Lilith
Fair, baby! We left before
Sarah even hit the stage, and
the couple we came with left
a few songs after that. Even
with what we paid to get in,
it wasn't worth it to milk
the last little thrill.

Your question was, "Why would
an all-girl event spawn
automatic scorn?" Because
someone had the foresight to
see through the propaganda to
the bottom line. Cash. I only
wish that that someone had been
me. This was the worst gift
I've ever given my wife. It's
no wonder big names like
Jewel, Paula Cole, Joan
Osborne, and Sheryl Crow
bowed out of this year's
show. I wouldn't want my name
anywhere near this thing
either. "It doesn't exclude
men, it simply celebrates
women," says Sarah McLachlan
of the Lilith Fair. It doesn't
celebrate women, it just
takes their change and
doesn't give them anything
for their money. Want to know
what my wife thought of it
all? Read this again - but
add "Thanks for trying to
take me out someplace fun."

Believe it or not, I kept
this short.

I want my $68 bucks back.

Richard
<richard@clarkawards.com>

Big concerts always suck,
it's not just the Lilith Fair. I
went to the Free Tibet thing
in San Francisco when it had
the Beastie Boys, Rage
Against the Machine,
Pavement, and Smashing
Pumpkins, and it still sucked
ass.

At least in that case we
emerged feeling used, but
with the remotest hope that
some minute percentage of the
proceeds would go to a good
cause. If the Lilith Fair is
really supposed to be all
about women, all proceeds
should go to breast cancer
research and the like.

On the other hand, these
women have just as much of a
right to make a dime throwing
a shitty concert for too many
people as anyone else does. I
just wish they would have the
gall to say "this concert is
all about excluding men"
instead of pussyfooting
around to maintain their
lusty male fan base.

Fuck lily-livered Lilith. I
want a Fuck-the-Old-Boys Fair
or an Alienate-a-Losah. The
real reason to go to such a
concert is the righteous
indignation that resides in
any self-respecting female,
paired with an intense
boredom with the six male
voices we hear over and over
and over: Eddie Vedder-alike,
Hootie-alike, Kurt
Cobain-alike, Chris
Cornell-alike, and Billy
Corrigan-alike, all sung over
the same tired blues-based
tunes.

I'd like to see Chrissie
Hynde, Courtney Love sans
couture, Kate Bush, Kristin
Hersh, Liz Phair, Björk,
Katell Keineg, Stevie Nicks,
Fiona Apple, Sleater-Kinney,
Kim Gordon, Sinéad
O'Connor, The Sundays, Jen
Wood, Helium, kd lang, Tori
Amos, Cat Power, Tracy
Chapman, and PJ Harvey in one
three-day, one-time-only
affair, and when anyone asked
any of them what it was
about, they'd reply "We're
not celebrating women. We're
excluding men and playing
some goddamn good music, and
if you're alienated by that,
excellent!"

Believe it or not, I kept
this short. On second
thought, use of the word
"pussyfooting" was highly
inappropriate.

Inappropriately Yours,

Polly

P.S. Please, bring on the
"you're a femi-nazi" mail.
I'm in the mood.

Dew X Machina

Dear St. Huck,

I enjoyed this a lot. As a
person who only has a TV to
view rented movies, I obtain
all my news about media from
the Net, particularly Suck.
It amazes me that they've now
made what we did as kids on
the street into televised
sports. We used to play a
variant of the Scottish game
called Kick the Keg in my
mom's barn, a game that
involved two teams and the
simple goal of moving an
object from one end to the
other (no holds barred). This
was obviously best done under
the influence.

Not to be too critical, but
all the Suck writers seem to
be striving to achieve a sort
of low-brow version of Lewis
Lapham's monthly whining in
Harper's. I truly enjoy it, as
well as your wonderful sense
of humor.

Regards,

Bob Dionne
<dionne@ontyx.com>
Newbury, Vermont

If you turned off your
computer every so often and
read a newspaper, Bob, you'd
know that what I'm really
after is a sort of high-brow
Dave Barry. I'm pleased to
hear you're relying so
heavily on Suck for your
information needs, however.
If we can only persuade a
sizable number of followers
to adopt a similar level of
devotion, it will be much
easier to just rip stuff off
from other writers instead of
also having to "personalize"
it.

St. Huck

For St. Huck,

C'mon, the X Games? I know
its supposed to be like
shootin' fish in a barrel ...
but really, you have too much
time on your hands if you're
watching that kind of crap.
What's next, MTV's Summer
Beach Boob-a-thon? Or did you
do that one last March when
MTV did their annual Spring
Break coverage? And why are
you watching TV this time of
year? Are you a loser or
what?

>>>insert Terry Colon parody
of R. Crumb "Keep on Truckin'
T-shirt" here...

Keep on sucking....

Mike.
<hibarger@aware.com>

Yes, I am a loser,I suppose,
but don't assume I feel the
need to actually watch
something in order to
criticize it. The thing is,
if I wrote about the things I
actually spend my time on -
walking to the convenience
store to buy more soda,
wondering if I should move to
France for a few years like
Molly Ringwald did to "sort
things out" - who would read
it?

St. Huck

St. Huck,

I would!

In fact, this week's Filler
is all about me, walking -
no, driving - to the
convenience store to buy more
beer and those salsa-flavored
Doritos,and wondering if I
should move to Alaska for a
while like that guy in Into
The Wild did.

Things didn't turn out so
good for him, so close to the
end of the cartoon, I decide
not to move. Then a bunch of
hostile strangers show up and
attack me by playing on my
insecurities, and,
ever trying to seem humble, I
admit that their attacks are
deathly accurate. Then the
fish and the hack act like
assholes, and everyone feels
better.

Hey - can I write about your
trip to the convenience store
next week?

Polly

I'm always glad to see the
networks take it in the
shorts for the sports that
they televise. While it isn't
directly their fault that
arm-chair quarterbacks sit
back and consume mass amounts
of fat and the real
quarterbacks sit back and
consume mass amounts of
dollars, it is at least
mostly their fault that they
are paying out the nose to
televise the events that they
basically created the
audiences for. Imagine if the
big networks decided to quit
televising the pro sports in
favor of high school sports
and college sports alone.
Would the populace quit
watching? No. Would the industry
quit advertising? No.
Although advertising dollars
might drop, I would venture
to bet they wouldn't drop as
much as the cost of airing
such events. The bloated
wallets and egos of
professional athletes are
ours to bear, we created
them. But they are also ours
to take back. I, for one,
would prefer to watch (if I'm
going to watch television at
all) X Games instead of the
NFL or even my beloved Jazz.
Better yet, I would prefer to
tie on a pair of 'blades and
try to maim myself and see if
it really is as easy as they
make it look. Your essay was
interesting, but I wonder if
you missed the point as well.
Keep up the good work, though;
Suck is still the best way to
start the morning.

Dave Klein
<dave@pmpc-eng.com>

Suck essays are like
ice-skating routines - some
compulsory moves must be
executed, then the rest is
freestyle. Not that this
really addresses your
response, but I'm not exactly
sure which of the article's
blown double-whatevers you
were penalizing.

In the end, I think the X
Games face a perhaps
insurmountable obstacle: To a
significant portion of the
potential audience, sports
are compelling only if they
are conducted by compelling
personalities. And usually it
takes money to make someone
compelling.

St. Huck

St. Huck,

Working in snowboard design
and manufacture for the past
thirteen years, I have had to
endure the escalation of the
hype and boorishness which
leads to the prevailing level
of hubris that is evidenced
in part by the X Games. As
biting as the commentary was,
the truth unfortunately is
way worse. (I believe that
any logos from individual,
non-participating, sponsors
are strictly banned from
display.) Our society has
eliminated what was once an
important career channel, the
gas-station attendant, which
leaves the would -e's with
far too much time on their
hands. It makes me want to
pay more for gas, and read
more.

Thanks.

Shaw
<shaw@active.ch>

"Our society has eliminated
what was once an important
career channel, the gas-
station attendant, which
leaves the would-be's with
far too much time on their
hands." This, I think, is the
most intriguing observation I
have ever received in
response to anything I've
written. You should turn it
into an essay.

St. Huck