for 5 August 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Taboo Who?

Dear Vicki,

Hmmm. Didja hafta look all
the way to France in WWII to
find ferocious disapproval of
sex? Doesn't gay-bashing
[www.beattheshitouttathetownqueer.com]
count? Happens all the time, ya
know. Ironically, when you
ignore it, you're doing it.

Name Withheld by Request

Steven Spielberg had to go
all the way to France in WWII
to make a ferocious
hell-for-leather war movie;
why shouldn't I do the same?
Anyway, I went to the trouble
to check the InterNic, and
there's no beattheshitout
tathetownqueer.com, so I
don't have to take any guff
from you, pal.

But now, my story: For years
it was a terrible burden
being a heterosexual, walking
around with a God-shaped hole
in my heart. But I'm living
proof that the truth can set
you free - the truth of Jesus
Christ's love for each and
every one of us. In my
darkest hour I met Christians
and former heterosexuals who
listened patiently to my
story and led me to a
ministry helping people
overcome heterosexuality. Now
I'm here to tell America the
truth about heterosexuality,
this painful affliction that
only God's infinite love for
us can cure.

Yrs. truly,

Vicki Lester
Wife, mother, and former heterosexual

Dear Vicki,

This message is a
confirmation of the email you
sent regarding an ad on
Classifieds2000. Please do
NOT respond to this message

------

This is a response to your
advertisement on
Classifieds2000.
-------------
Summary of the
ad:
Women Seeking Men,
Short-term, Udaipur, Asia, and
Pacific - Other Down to
Earth, 26, 5' 6''
http://www.classifieds2000.com/
cgi-cls/ad.exe?P1+C180+R1327467
-----------

And I believe you! Only a
simple-minded guy would look
for a woman by putting his
ad in the category of females
looking for males. Unless of
course, you are a homosexual,
looking for peinis! Don't be
so fucking simple, smarten
up, and read the
instructions! Unless you are
a queer.

Classifieds2000
<personals@classifieds2000.com>

Dear Classifieds2000,

Holy Moses, you found out my
agenda, alrighty! I guess I'm
not as cured as I thought I
was!

Yrs. truly,

Vicki Lester
Wife, Mother, homosexual,
looking for peinis

Subject: Slut and Whore Lore
Galore

So all welfare girls are
sluts, huh? Where are the men
in all of this? I know it's a
trite point to make, but I
actually overheard a
co-worker (God I need a
better second summer job)
remark, "I hope my girlfriend
gets pregnant. That way I can
start collecting welfare
again." The reason he was
working, of course, was that
he was not smart enough to
figure out how to stay on the
welfare rolls. Then again, he
also said "If you're smart
enough to rob an armored car
and get away with it, you
deserve the money," and
"Taking from your employer
isn't stealing." So I have a
generally low opinion of him.
Why do these politicians keep
giving the GOP a bad name?
There really are sane
Republicans. At least I think
I'm sane. Oh, and not all who
claim to be virgins are
lying. I know that for a
fact. And it's not for lack
of several male attempts,
either. Keep up the
interesting articles. I love
distractions from that lovely
job of mine.

Constance Smith
<moonrise@alltel.net>

Dear Constance,

Duh! "If you're smart enough
to rob an armored car and get
away with it, you deserve the
money," and "Taking from your
employer isn't stealing" are
quotations from Paul's second
letter to the Fallopians. You
ought to read up on your
Bible. With patience, care,
and application, it might
even cure you of being a
Republican.

Yrs. truly,

Vicki Lester
Wife, former virgin, practicing liar

Finger Painting

I enjoyed your piece on The
Artist's Way - it's great to
hear all that self-absorbed
shit getting a kicking. But
are you going to approach the
author about her plagiarism?
I hope so.

Joseph Gallivan

I'm going to send my inner
child to do it for me.

Or not. I've thought about
how closely Cameron's book
mirrors Ueland's, and I think
it finally has to be
described in Beatlemania
terms: not plagiarism, but an
incredible simulation. That
is, she's lifted the ideas,
used largely the same
skeleton, but in an original
(bad) context, with no
direct, uncredited lifting of
word-for-word passages.

But it still sucks.

Ambrose Beers

Aww, why ya gotta be knockin'
The Artists Way? That book
gave me the kick in the ass I
needed to quit my job and
make music all day. Now I
never wake up to an alarm
clock, make my art whenever
the muse deigns to hang with
me, and love my life. I
record other musicians and
fix Macs for spare cash. I
own my time free and clear.

Your prose was ever the witty
banter. The cartoons made me
laugh. Cartoon funny. Funny,
funny. But the dogmatism bled
through in your perspective
of the source and purpose of
art; surely such
considerations are best left
to the individual, and
whether it's some loopy
self-help book or a
cattle-prod directly from the
fires of the gods, anything
that inspires people to
create, and to respect
themselves as the creator, is
good by me.

In addition, I really like
rice milk and encourage
everyone to give this
non-dairy treat a go.

Yours in ham,

Greg
<ubik@nwlink.com>

Ham into rice milk will not
go.

And I will argue that the
dogmatism didn't "bleed
through," since it was right
up front. Subtle I ain't. But
I don't doubt the book has
done some good for some
readers; if you follow the
core suggestions - work on
your art every day, reject
attacks from people who don't
respect or understand - I
don't doubt that you'll have
success with it. "It's bad"
and "it doesn't work" are two
different criticisms,
sometimes.

I'm glad it worked for you,
but I'll take Brenda Ueland
and Annie Dillard.

Enjoying a breakfast pop
tart,
Ambrose Beers

Dear Beers,

Lordy, lordy, I'm confused by
your highbrow talk about that
art monster that would eat us
all if you weren't 'round to
serve and protect us from the
art monster. Thanks for
keeping me pent up and
negative. There's crap in
every profession; why do you
see art through the worst it
offers? I don't see much art
at all, and what I do see is
usually awful, but I'm always
searching for the next chance
to see something great, and
it's not always where you
expect it. If the gurus let
you down, you're not alone. I
think its nice that old farts
can paint "happy little
roads" in the old fart's home
and not stare at TV or the
wall all day. But I don't
think you need that therapy
since you're not an
85-year-old Shriner. Perhaps,
a tattoo would allow you the
freedom of expression, the
suffering, and the angst,
without you having to
actually do any of the work,
and chicks dig 'em!

Speaking of which, making art
to get chicks is very
therapeutic even though the
art is lousy looking - the
chicks are cute and gullible
I guess. I'm not sure what
the chicks get out of it - an
A on their report card? But,
they all do it, and they look
good on canvas. I wish I
could get the chicks like
that. My art never gets the
chicks, and I paint anyway. I
guess I'm pretty stupid!

Another advantage of being an
artist is that you don't have
to work too much, and you're
gonna be poor, so why not be
a poor artist? That way you
can get the chicks even
though you're poor and
stupid. But I'm poor and
stupid, and I don't get any
chicks, poor me. I guess this
suffering in poverty and
stupidity should be worth a
few million when I die. If
some chick married me and
outlived me, she could retire
pretty nice, I guess. I think
I could write some books on
where to take your inner
child and lessen my
suffering, but my paintings
would be worth less after I'm
dead. Right now my paintings
are worthless, and I have zero
chicks. If I copy Picasso, I
could do drugs and whores
till I get famous. But that
means the ghetto is full of
artists? Hmm.

Well, I'm glad you're
employed, say whatever you
have to to keep that
vaudeville job.

Love and paint buckets,

Cody

I am an 85-year-old Shriner.
Wanna see my little car?

Ambrose Beers