for 19 August 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Filler

Hi,

You probably get bored
reading this kind of
pointless email, but I just
thought I would let you know
that that thing you wrote in
Suck was great. We British
love to have our
stereotypical views of
America massaged.

Thanks again,

Mike
<Mike1.Dixon@barclayscapital.com>

The stereotypes are true,
Mike. All of them.

I bet you have pale skin and
you're drinking tea and eating
crumpets right now, because
there's nothing on the telly
and it's raining out, but
later you're going down to
the pub and have a pint and a
bit of a talk with the lads.

And I bet you wear tight
pants and have funny hair and
say "wanker" and "wank" and
"wanky" a lot. You Brits are
so cute.

Polly

Subject: Greetings from
Goldsboro!

Yes, I live in Goldsboro, but
I'm not bent out of shape
over the "way new white
trash" references. They were
well done ... reminded me of
some folks I know. But didn't
Mad Magazine do something
like this in the '70s?

It has already been
established that no one wants
to read about the members of
the middle and sub-middle
classes, except as the
objects of humor or tragedy.
Most people I know - even the
ones that fit your parody -
realize that celebrities
don't read People or watch
Lifestyles of the Rich and
Famous as avidly as "the
little people." But the
people selling faux-glimpses
into the lives of celebrities
as well as the people buying
those glimpses don't mind
that celebrities would kill
themselves before living in a
Goldsboro trailer park.

Maybe it's like this - once
we had mythology, gods, and
heroes; now we have movie
stars and politicians. It is
the same scam, but it's a
scam people like and want. Or
did I just miss the point of
your column?

David do-you-want-bitterness-
and-cynicism-with-that? Rouse

P.S. Goldsboro mentioned in
Suck, I've got to go tell all
my friends!

It's a scam I like and want,
David! But then I'm from
North Carolina, too.

As little as they get,

Polly

Hit and Run

As usual, your column was
pretty good (especially the
Maureen Dowd part), but you
were wrong to fear that
puppeteering was going the
way of the privilege of being
forced to die for your
country. Incessantly annoying
MTV has a new "program"
called The Sifl and Olly
Show (I think) that consists
of two lame-ass teenage sock
puppets doing a mock
public-access show, replete
with interviews (ranging from
plants to, yes, orgasms) and
fairly decent music videos.
Stumbling onto it at some
ungodly hour of the morning,
baked out of my brains, was
akin to seeing Fear and
Loathing in Las Vegas on
ether - wonderfully bizarre,
strangely apropos, and more
than a tad terrifying. I
suppose it only loosely
qualifies as "puppeteering,"
but it's funny as balls.

Yours in Hell or high
weather,

B. A. Baracus
<shut_up_fool@hotmail.com>

We'll have to check that out,
B. A.! (Yes, yes, we are
aware that we linked to it at
the end of the paragraph in
question, but sometimes our
own links are too scary to
follow. This was one of those
times. Your letter has given
us a small dollop of courage:
the show's probably
embarrassing and
uncomfortable, but anything's
less embarrassing and
uncomfortable than Fanatic,
right?) Anyway, say hello to
Hannibal for us, and see you
in the lobby of the Mirage!

Cruisin' Kmart

Subject: I can't go to Kmart
without thinking about Tom
Cruise and Dustin Hoffman.

"The 's' word in the last
decade has made the journey
from not-ready-for-
prime-time profanity to mild
oath to lazy punchline to
formerly hot brand name to
barely noticeable plosive, we
can't help but feel
vindicated."

Missed a link in there to the
"Kmart sucks" line in Rain
Man.

Or was it left out because it
was too obvious

Or was it left out because no
P. P. deal with Kmart?

A trademark infraction case
where Kmart went after
someone with a "kmart sucks"
Web page (covered in a story at
http://bsd.interstat.net/
~tomveil/latimes.html)
but Tom Cruise's role in making
the juxtaposition of those
particular three syllables
easy to say is not mentioned.

David Nicol
<david@kasey.umkc.edu>

We're pretty sure that Tom
Cruise didn't write that
line, he just said it. But
who couldn't deliver such a
line with vigor?

Give credit where credit's
due. Whoever wrote Rain Man
is the one we should thank.
"Thank the writer, man!" said
the thankless, unthankable
writers.

The Spud Buster Speaketh

Idaho/Montana

It's a little hard to speak
for a state that speaks so
loudly with vituperation
spewing from every hole
(Montana), but I do have to
speak out for how Idaho
sucks. First off, there are
really two states combined
into one overglorified,
tree-hating map section. The
one for people like Bo Gritz,
and another for the Yuppie
scum who wish they could
write for Suck. And here I
am. There is one more section
to Idaho, but they all wish
they could just get the
Internet so they can read
Suck, but we don't
acknowledge them here unless
we want to bitch about how
much they suck by bringing in
nuclear waste so that all the
highly trained nuclear staff
can't touch it. Long live
Idaho and Suck.

Jay Kanta Boise, ID
(not Iowa)
<Jay_Kanta@Jabil.com>

Interesting rhetorical style,
Jay. You're speaking out for
how Idaho sucks, but you
close with the urge that both
Idaho and Suck live long and
prosper? You explain that
there are four different
kinds of Idaho, one for
people like Bo, another for
people who wish they could
write for Suck, another for
those who wish they could get
online so they could read
Suck, and another for you.
While we're glad to factor so
large in your egocentric
universe, we find it hard to
believe that knowledge of
Suck is a credible
determining factor in
defining different
populations in your state.
Besides, aren't most people
out there too busy picking
potatoes to get online, let
alone read online magazines?

Familiarize yourself with
some statistical methods and
get back to us.