for 2 September 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Walking Tall

Nincompoopery isn't a word.
My spellchecker underlined it
red.

See.

Robert Berger
<RBerger@activision.com>

"Fahrvergnügen" wasn't a real
word, either, at one point,
Robert. Neither was "Drox" or
"Retsyn." Get a new
spellchecker.

Everybody's a damn critic.
Why can't you be more like
Nicole Stenger here:

mon cher,

this is one of the best
pieces of journalism I have
ever read. now, some
criticism: To say that a
French pilot is sharp-eyed is
redundant. God knows what
gets in the diet of those
creatures, but they have eyes
that see from airplanes,
airplanes that see like eyes,
cinema that eyes beauty, and
beautiful eyes that make
cinema. Though one thought it
was all in the nose, the
mouth, or the zipper, it's in
the eyes.

Nicole Stenger
<Nicole.Stenger@gte.net>

You forgot that the French
also have "Lips like
dynamite," "eyes without a
face," and "a nose for
trouble." All of which
reminds us again that the
only way to stop a Frenchman
from smelling is to cut off
his nose.

Always happy to get your
fractured poetry, Nicole.

yr. cher,

BarTel

Fish on Brits

Polly,

As a pale-skinned,
tea-sipping,
crumpet-munching,
rain-sodden, pub-going,
pint-drinking, wanker-saying,
funny-haired Brit, I feel I
should point out that it's
trousers, not pants. As a
nation we wear tight
trousers.

You also ommitted any mention
of bowler hats.

Toodle-pip, m'dear.

Nick Hatcher
<Nick.Hatcher@SKF.com>

I really like the tight
trousers and the funny hair,
and especially the
general-purpose funniness -
everything humiliating is
funnier when a Brit does it.

Rent "The Borrowers." If
those little people weren't
British, it would be a
horrible movie.

Another Being Bent On
Smooshing Little People (If
They're Redheaded),

Polly

The New You!

Nice jabs at the Seattle
neo-rich there.

For those who don't live in the
Pacific Northwest, I offer this quick
summary ... Seattle is
composed of two halves: the
city proper, which is where
all the cool
clubs/music/people without an
atrophied personality are,
and the east side which is
where all the souless
cell-phone-toting-latté-
sipping-SUV-driving-microsoft-
wannabe shitbags are. Chief
offenders here are the cities
of Bellevue and Redmond,
occupied by perfectly
coiffeured men and women with
marketing degrees and deep
tans (c'mon, it's fucking
WASHINGTON!) who wander
around doing that laugh where
your teeth stay clenched
together.

Don't get me wrong, I sip the
occasional latté, but
these people bring a whole
new meaning to the words
"corporate culture." They
all seem convinced that their
sexual desirability goes up
in direct proportion to the
number of matte-black
electronic devices they
own.

In a local paper, a Bellevue
resident responded to
accusations of snobbery with
the phrase, "It's time you
people learned your place -
we have earned our position,
and you have earned your
mediocrity."

Well, here's to hairpieces,
Acuras, Wired magazine, and
other things the
nouveau riche consume to feel
like they are
"sophisticated."

Choking down a latté,

Jonathan Grant
<chyld@elwha.evergreen.edu>

"It's time you people learned
your place - we have earned
our position, and you have
earned your mediocrity."

God, how absolutely fucking
ghastly. Was this person
tracked down and harmed?

Ambrose Beers

Walking Tall

Suck's barely sufferable
youth is showing again. The
"Ugly American" was not an
arrogant bully in a foreign
land but a do-gooder - a
sort of prehistoric Peace
Corpsman. I know it is
impossible to imagine this
today, but the reason his
creators labeled him "ugly"
was that he was "ugly." He
had been dealt the short
stick in the genetic
sweepstakes.

This is not the first time
Suck has demonstrated its
concern with current events
by demonstrating a nearly
complete ignorance of events
in the fairly recent past.
You guys need to hire a
codger just to scan through
all your columns and clean up
the howlers.

Harry Eagar
Maui

I'm all too familiar with
Burdick and Lederer's book
The Ugly American, along with
their tie-in works The
Deceptive American and The
Anguished American and the
authors' censored and
ultimately unsuccessful
attempts to get their sequel
Sarkan! published. I should
also note that the movie
version of the book contains
my favorite Brando line of
all: "You're not a Judas!
You're just a communist!" You
may be aware, however, that
in the 40 years since the
book was published, "Ugly
American" has become a
catch-all term to describe
pushy, arrogant, pigheaded
Americans traveling overseas
in Bermuda shorts with
cameras. It was in this sense
of the term - as a co-opted
literary name like "Uncle
Tom" - that I was using it
here. But thanks for the
criticism, Harry. I haven't
been picked on for my "youth"
since the Coolidge
administration.

yr. pal,

BarTel

nice piece, but maybe
next time try and kick start
the beginning of the article
with the same level of
intensity and interest as the
ending. that nonsense at the
beginning about presidents
and balloon riders was not
only out of context, but
hardly of interest. however,
the "big mac" nutrition bit
was great. have you ever
traveled outside the u.s.?
not all travelers from north
america fit your tired
stereotype image. and this
overused phrase of "ugly
american," that's not why the
embassies were bombed. there
are the real people and the
imagined people, the imagined
people are politicians, the
rest of us are it.
unfortunately, the terrorists
struck out at an imagined
target and didn't care that
real people were there.
thanks and keep sucking.

leestubbe

But wouldn't it
have been in context if I had
written about presidential
balloons, or something like
that, that sounds vaguely
smutty, but is really just
another of those delectable
bons mots you've come to
expect from Suck? I'd love to
travel outside of the United
States someday, see all those organ
grinders and chefs with their
handlebar moustaches, the
tribal warriors with bones in
their noses and stretched out
ears, and the coolies
nervously clasping their
hands together. Make no
mistake, I'm a man of the
world.

yr. pal,

BarTel