for 23 September 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Kaiser on the Set

Bartel,

It's getting thick. I have no
idea who Herr Nispel is and I
don't care. Thank god he's
gone (could you house some
more advertising people,
please). Even if it seems
that he is a perfect example
of a much-loved cliché
that Germans share with the
Swiss, it is tiring every time
to see the similar symbols
used to illustrate "the
German." A switch to the
contemporary, like Mercedes
stars, Audi rings, and BMW
propellers would be much
appreciated and would show a
sense of self-irony. A
feature of quality that the
damned Canooks get every time
free with the insults from
Suck. Please let the boredom
stop.

d.pool wishes.

These are all good points,
d.pool, but frankly it's
going to be another couple
centuries before having
Germans eat sausages, wear
lederhosen, and shout "I see
nothing!" will stop being
funny. I'm picturing you
right now in some Munich
brauhaus, holding up your
stein and singing a spirited
lied.

yr freund,

Bartel

Good filler today!!

I especially like how Marcus
talks about himself in the
third person. Nice touch.

Scott has to get back to work
now.

Scott Carroll
<ScottC@moves.com>

"Filler" and its various
subsidiaries (Filler Soup for
the Soul, Filler Nights,
Everybody Loves Filler, and
The Independent Counsel's
Filler Referral to the House
Judiciary Committee, etc.)
are registered trademarks of
Polly Esther. The feature
you're referring to was but a
pallid Filler knockoff, like
Galactica 1980 or The Three
Robotic Stooges. But Bartel
is happy you liked it.

yr pal,

Bartel

As a longtime Hoosier
(temporarily residing
elsewhere), I must take issue
with your recent coverage of
Dan Burton's affair, li'l
bastard, and subsequent
cover-up. I figured that if
anyone was going to slam this
hypocritical cretin, it would
be Suck. Does your scant
coverage of this semiliterate
rube betray a disillusionment
with media coverage of sex
scandals, or with sex itself?
Or with media coverage of
anything? Or is the thought
of another geezer bagging
another youngin too much to
bear? Indiana has had trouble
recently with Dans. Quayle,
Coates, and Burton have been
making the state look like a
bunch of idiots and have been
giving the handful of local
liberals something else to
feel aloof about for several
years now. The angle of
Burton's dangle is merely
another item at the bottom of
the list of embarrassing
Hoosier moments in the
political spotlight. We can't
seem to outsmart fourth
graders or keep our pants on
or keep our feet out of our
mouths. Which is worse if the
world is watching, being
stupid or horny? I guess the
only real surprise in all of
this is that Burton made it
with someone who wasn't a
distant cousin of some kind,
but I was hoping for a little
more venom from you guys.
Spare Mark McGwire and his
silly 'roid-record, spare
Drudge his locker-room boasts
to mask his sissiness, and
stick to those who need it
the most.

James Gardner
Special Orders
http://www.amazon.com
Books, Music & More

James,

The only Hoosier we like is
Indiana Jones. And Kurt
Vonnegut. We like him too.
Jane Pauley too. But you can
have the rest of those damn
Hoosiers, including Gene
Hackman in Hoosiers. We'd
spend more time cutting up
Dan Quayle, Dan Burton, et
al., but we just can't even
keep our attention focused on
Hoosiers long enough to write
a complete sentence.

yrs,

Sucksters

I just read your feature on
Canadians, and the evil that
flows through their veins
like some evil maple syrup. I
thought your statements and
beliefs of the Canuck culture
to be absolutely true. I
think that you forgot one
major factor: their money.
Although a free country (or
state, depending upon how you
look at it), Canada's money still
bears the visage of some
crown-wearing ruler. And,
they still call it a dollar.
That is our money, not
theirs. Why don't they call
it the Canuck, or the Puck,
or something to remind them
that it will only be worth
$0.40 across the border? I
mean they have to realize
someday that they must get
rid of the lumberjacks and
follow the smart ones, the
ones that became Montana.
Join us Canadian brethern, I
cry. Bring you bacon, your
hockey, and your 9.9 percent
alcohol-by-volume beer with
you. Become the 50.5th state.
And we'll let you keep the
metric system (in the decency
of your own home of course).
Canada, where would we be
without the doorstop of North
America?

Matt Sullivan
<sullim6@rpi.edu>

Dear Matt,

In fact, the Canadian
"dollar" does have a suitably
lame name: It's familiarly
called the "loony." That's a
name that comes close to
approaching an Australian
level of sublimity, but as
with everything else from the
Great White North, it's a day
late and a Canadian dollar
short.

yrs,

Sucksters

Hit & Run

Dearests,

The telling stat isn't
whether or not Drudge is gay,
but that he hasn't been laid
in a year. Bigmouths come
last, it seems.

Nick Sweeney
<nsweeney@why.ml.org>

Nick,

It's an LA thing. Surveys
have shown that the last time
anybody actually had sex in
Hollywood was during the
Johnson administration.

Sucksters

Forgive my asking, but didn't
you used to write intelligent
articles? I was quietly
reading my "fresh fish" as
usual when I suddenly noticed
that today's article worked
only to fuel a very ancient
animosity between Canadians
and Americans. It is as if
the Cosmo editor is saying,
"Hey guys, our sales dropped,
let's print that article on
sexuality again." I have
American friends and Canadian
friends (by the way, I am
Lebanese). And they never
thought anything about
disliking each other. But it
is people like you and The
Toronto Star, who are in an
occasional drought of
readership that leads them to
print stale pieces (a not
very fresh fish) to attract a
bigger audience, that create
such animosity. Please
exercise better judgment in
the future, and refrain from
printing stupid articles
about how Americans and
Canadians dislike each other,
because if that was true,
they would be at war right
now (and believe me I know
what war is, I lived in
Beirut). Or maybe the
Canadians could do something
a lot worse, like stop
sending Celine Dion CDs to
the US. (It isn't that I like
Ms. Dion's singing, but
practically every American
has a Celine Dion CD.)

Ziad C.
<ZCHKAIBA@valoris.fr>

Listen, Beirut tough guy, do
you write angry letters to
The Daily Star when they run
their ten millionth
boring-ass "Birri dissents on
Solidere seaport plan" story?
As long as the British Empire
maintains a toehold on this
continent, we have a
sovereign right to keep up
the pressure on them.

yrs,

Sucksters

ah, another tempest on a tea
cup

in the final analysis we may
just be an economic colony of
the US of Eh

hmm, economic colony,
remember what happened when
another north american
economic colony revolted?

enjoy the pax americana while
it lasts but to quote rick
mercer (a canadian from a
really good canadian show,
this hour has 22 minutes)

we're bigger and we're on
top, if we were in prison,
you'd be our bitch

only one "super power" left?
pity ... it'll be really neat
to see what happens when
india or pakistan nukes your
sorry asses ...

p.s. spelling mistakes might
just be typos!

martin koldijk

(calgary, alberta, canada)

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

yes, the above is my
tagline ...

Martin Koldijk
<mkoldijk@cadvision.com>

Martin,

Check your "constitution."
Canada may or may not be an
economic colony of the US,
but it's definitely a colony
of the UK. When you strap on
a pair and kick the redcoats
out, you might get a little
respect.

Do you know your name rhymes
with Ol' Dyke?

yrs,

Sucksters