for 2 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Mondo Porno

Dear Huck:

It's been pointed out (by the
novelist Bob Shaw, among
other people, in his "slow
glass" stories), that 1000
years ago people truly
believed that God watched
their every act. They
survived. So will we.

Alan S Kornheiser
<ASKORNHEISER@prodigy.net>

And, now, of course, many
believe that God's customer-
service staff, the angels,
continue to watch their every
act. Except for the angels
who are assigned to watch
network TV; apparently,
they're tuning into cable and
the Web instead.

Huck

Dearest St. Huck (and
everyone at Suck),

I greatly appreciate your
Suck Daily. In today's
column, you wrote of the
president as the First
Fellator. Would not that
instead be First Fellatee?
Mr. Clinton was performed
upon, but, as far as I have
heard, did not himself
perform this act.

Thanks for all,

John Street
<jstreet@newwave.net>

John,

That was a reference to
Lewinsky, actually. Regarding
Clinton's nonperformance - a
lot of people have been
interpreting that as
selfishness, but I think it's
just because it would have
made his simultaneous phone
conversations more difficult.
Personally, I think he could
have pulled it off, but
apparently I have more faith
in our President than most
do.

Patriotically,

Huck

sucksters, et al ...

First, congratulations on
pointing out the seminal
importance of what is going
on with "who's the fat boy
now" President Clinton. Yes,
I know I can always count on
Suck to reframe and explain
the world around us in terms
of post rationalist French
philosophy (I think I
might've made that up,
sorry). Yes, it was a
grateful smile that I wore on
my face as I read Mondo Porno
(9.21.98), for I realized
that what was gnawing at me
with all these revelations in
Washington was the striking
similarity (put forth here,
perhaps, as a possible
logical conclusion ...) to
what Gilles Deleuze and Felix
Guattari were talking about
in the short piece "Memories
of the Secret," in their book
A Thousand Plateaus. Not that
I am suggesting that Deleuze
predicted Howard Stern....

Paul Pavlak
<PPavlak@EMAIL.HGA.com>

Sorry, we don't respond to
letters with gratuitous
literary references.

Who's the fat boy now?

Sucksters

Subject: Umberto Eco

I think it is telling,
speaking of gorditas and
sucking, that the slickster
should stick his wick into
the electrolewinsky. Word
parsing aside, I have never
understood how a nonsexual
act can constitute rape if
not agreed to. It also lends
itself to food for thought,
that if he is so careless
about where he puts the
"first penis," how careful is
he going to be about military
placement of civilian asses?
Nature is wonderful: the
first penis attached to the
last asshole you'd want to
meet.

Peter J. Havas
<"100625,1252"@compuserve.com>

Speaking of the last asshole
we'd want to meet ...

Starrmark Cards

i realize that w. j. clinton
is not particularly high on
your list of issues to write
about (for good reason), but
i felt i had to relate this
little anecdote, which sums
up, in my useless
harvard-educated view, all
that is wrong with starr's
investigation and the
republican blood-mongers
behind it.

a couple of weeks ago (the
day after clinton admitted to
his affair, to be precise) i
was sitting on a bench in a
train station in amsterdam,
suffering from a seriously
bad case of the 'shrooms,
compounded by a mouthful of
coca leaves and a breakfast
of space cakes. wishing only
to be left alone in my
hallucinatory, sweating
misery, i looked to my right
to see what could only be a
junkie in the last throes of
degeneration, with wild
stringy hair, a wrinkled
brown face, torn clothes, and
no shoes. to my horror, he
sat down next to me, and
since the array of drugs
prohibited the use of my
legs, i could only sit there,
waiting for him to ask me for
money. which he did, in a
pleasantly passable, albeit
toothless, english. i passed
along my only two-guilder
coin, and as he took it he
peered into my assuredly wild
eyes, and said:

"are you american?"

"yes," i managed.

he looked at me again, and
chuckled.

"this ... woman. lewinsky."
another chuckle. "your
president, he is like ... a
clown, with this ugly woman."

what was he talking about, i
wondered. i couldn't even
turn my head, as i was
transfixed by the image of
him morphing into a grizzled
tree and back. he went on.

"he admit to it, yes. a
clown."

i didn't understand.

"he admitted to having the
affair?" i managed.

a veritable cackle of glee.
"yesterday, he say, 'i have
the affair.'"

good lord, i thought. here
is, by our wonderful american
standards, one of the
lowliest dregs on the west
european social ladder,
cackling at our president.

and that's the way it went.
next i went to hong kong, and
it was the same way. tell
someone you're american, and
you'll get a bemused glance
and a knowing wink - "your
country is so silly. you
amuse me." i've never been
particularly patriotic, but
the thought of my country
being a laughingstock on the
level of, say, belgium, irks.
affairs are had all over the
world, and the admittedly
important issue of perjury
aside for one moment, the
american media's obsession
over this scandal that was
caused completely by
political wrangling is making
america look ridiculous. or
at least a significant step
above the ridiculousness it
was viewed with before. and
how will we sell our mass
media and corporate brands if
we are seen as silly? how can
our homogenized white-ass
culture spread? our demise is
imminent, and i place the
blame squarely on ken starr
for being a porn-monger and
president clinton for being
an idiot. so maybe i will go
to belgium. at least they
have good chocolate.

cheers from the bastion of
liberal elitism,
"james park"

Our demise is imminent?

Maybe you should lower your
hallucinogen dosage and take
free-spirited train-station
seers a little less
seriously.

Had the affair an hour ago,

Sucksters