for 7 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Filler: Monicagate

Polly,

I failed to publicly decry
the invasiveness of it all,
and not only did I snicker
loudly every time I read the
word "fellatio," but I now
also find myself strangely
aroused by the word
"furlough." Please help.

Yrs.,

Patrick

Wow. We have the same problem
with the word "flanger" now.
Also, sometimes "fluctuate"
and "fastidious" provoke us.

But then, snickering and
getting aroused aren't the
worst ways to spend your
time.

Fluctuating,

Sucksters

Hit & Run

Ha - it's a good job voices
aren't an email facet cos I
think we'd have plenty of
criticism to dole out to the
author of this article - long
live correct pronunciation
and the BBC!

Another Mr M.
<matthew4@netconx-two.demon.co.uk>

You've got our number,
Matthew! A discussion of
accents would be extremely
embarrassing for the author
of this article, as his
pronunciation is all but
indistinguishable from the
madcap vocal characterization
Mickey Rooney did for his
role as Mr. Yunioshi.

l'Academie Suckoise

So we Brits have the "world's
most annoying accent," do we?
What, we don't use the word
"cool" enough?

Harrumph Lee Caulfield
<lee@faircount.com>

We're not talking about
"cool" here, Lee, but about
scientific fact. Having
measured the clipped London
accent on a sine meter that
assigns diphthong and plosive
percentiles, we've found
Londonese to be
insufficiently "phat," i.e.,
"wack." Now if all of you's
could talk more like Tinky
Winky it might not be so
bad.

Are You There, Suck?

Hello Suck

Just writing a little letter
to say that although I don't
get a lot of what you say,
your little online magazine
is piss-funny. When I say I
don't get what you say, it is
not a comment on my utter
stupidity (although it could
be) but rather that I live in
Australia and have little
knowledge of the United States political
situation. Have you ever
thought of starting an
Australian subsidiary? Then
again, politics in Australia
are enough of a joke. They
need little help in amusing
me.

Paul from Oz
<pauljp@sun.big.net.au>

As opposed to politics here,
which are utterly
respectable, solemn, serious,
sober, honorable, dignified,
principled, <insert your own favorite adjective here>.

When we say we don't get what
you say, it is not a comment
on our utter stupidity
(although it could be) but
rather that we live in the United States
and have little knowledge of
Australians, although one of
us did do some hard time in a
Catholic elementary school in
Melbourne. Apparently the
only thing she can remember
was that all the kids ate
Wonderbread covered with
butter and sugar sprinkles
for lunch, and after lunch
they'd dimmed the lights and
turned on the disco ball (she
insists she's not lying about
this) and everyone would
lip-sync ABBA songs - even
the boys.

It's no wonder Americans are
rigid macho losers, when you
realize everyone else in the
world was grooving out to
ABBA while we played
kickball.

But of course, that has
nothing to do with politics.
Sorry. We need little help in
amusing us.

Sucksters

Why are you not talking about
the rigged polls? I know of
no one polled, and anyone I
talk to feels Clinton should
go. How are they rigging the
polls?

DNicholson

<dsn@nauticom.net>

Um. That's 'cause you're a
monkey. They don't usually
poll monkeys.

"What great timing - your
third anniversary column,
with its searing
self-revelations, arrived
just in time to confirm the
Carnegie-Mellon study that
Net surfing makes people
depressed."

You forgot to mention the
fatal flaw of that CMU study
- it was done with residents
of Pittsburgh, and as anyone
who lives there knows,
Pittsburgh is a damn
depressing place. Anything in
Pittsburgh associated with
CMU is even more depressing.
My theory is all of these
people went on the Net and
learned of other, happier
places ("if not Arizona ...
maybe it was Utah"). This
information depressed them
further about their current
situation. Pittsburgh is sort
of shut off from the rest of
the world, the local news
here actually has a segment
called "World in a Minute,"
complete with ticking counter,
to make sure they don't spend
one extra second on any
national or world news. I
can't make crazy shit like
that up!

Steve Anichini,
bitter and
spiteful CMU graduate and
temporary Pittsburgh
resident.

Steve, baby, they've got that
"World in a Minute" ticker in
LA, too. You're gonna have to
come up with more details,
baby, more local color
specific to Pittsburgh, more
of the little nuggets of
experience that the audience
can really stick it's teeth
into. And try to change your
tone, baby: Be brighter, more
optimistic. Bitter and
spiteful are not likeable,
Steve, and our hero has to be
likable for that shit to play
in Peoria. Talk about the
steel mills closing down.
Tell us about a lonely,
alienated football hero
searching for himself in a
land filled with Eastern
European immigrant Catholic
gruff coal miners. An
ultimately hopeful story,
Steve. Remember that: bleak,
but ultimately hopeful. We've
got to see steam rising over
the river there - which one
is it? - with that American
Steel sign, like: Times Gone
By. You probably already had
that in mind, you just didn't
write it in your treatment.
Details. There should be soot
on people's faces,
definitely. We've got a great
makeup girl in mind who's a
genius with mud, coal,
soot.... Keep it up, champ.
Lunch this Friday at Prago.
No jeans - don't forget this
time, cowboy!

Sucksters

(P.S. People are bitter and
spiteful in LA, too, but you
can be damn sure it's not the
"World in a Minute" ticker.)