for 28 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Fascinating "You Suck"
Letters!

A more befitting title was
never bestowed on a Web page.
Nice links, you sell-outs. You
M.F.s must be from N.Y. or
Rasta's or somethin'. Bet ya
cried when Seinfeld quit.
It's amazing that in these
days of turbulent finance
that you can find sponsors.
Don't hold your breath, boys.
Ooops, P.C. alert - maybe use
guys got a babe onna staff.
Get a job.

doc
<docj@pacifier.com>

We've got jobs, thanks to the
fact that we're sell-outs.
But, uh, we get paid for the
ads, not the links, genius.
And what do you do? Farm?
Tell us, what does it take to
keep it real? Do you have to
eat all-organic foods? Make
clay pots? Write slam poetry
for which you are never
reimbursed?

Please write more often. We
need your little barbs to
keep us humble.

Beastie Boys have released
five major albums.

Four of which contained lyric
sheets.

So when you revolve an
article around a lyric sheet,
as if it was something new to
a Beastie album release ...

You openly blunder in your
attempt at true wit.

That's Sad,
<j0eyd@msn.com>

- guess whattie-whattie this
comes from? no. stop
guessing, morons. it comes
from the lyric sheet (oh no!
not that!) of the Beastie
Boys' SECOND full-length
album, and that would be FOUR
albums ago. *duh*

I hereby award you with your
own EGG ON YOUR FACE award
for being such dumb asses.

love american style,
--=danielle=--
<b-grrrl@usa.net>

What are you talking about,
re: the outrage surrounding
the Beastie Boys' use of
lyric sheets in their
"latest albums"? While I
agree with much of the
criticism presented in
this piece, this detail
is inaccurate: The Beastie
Boys included lyric sheets
as early as 1989 with
the album Paul's Boutique.

Jesse Friedman
<JesseF1016@aol.com>

To our readers:

These are just a few of the
scores of letters we have
received in response to our
apparently false implication
that the Beastie Boys have
only recently begun including
lyric sheets with their
albums. We are now reasonably
certain that the Boys' 1989
album Paul's Boutique did in
fact contain a lyric sheet,
although at press time we are
unable to confirm that anyone
except b-grrrl@usa.net had
ever actually read it. Our
efforts to definitively
verify this fact have been
stymied by the realization
that this would involve
actually buying the album.

Suck makes every effort to
respond to reader concerns
about the accuracy of our
articles. Interestingly,
readers have in the past
neglected to point out such
inaccurate claims as:

"Zapata's plan to become a
Web content provider is
actually a smoke screen put
out by America's shadow
government of
superintelligent insect
warlords, Suck has learned."

and

"The Khalid Muhammed Variety
Hour looks like UPN's first
breakaway hit of the season!"

and

"Clinton shoots man in Reno,
just to watch him die"

and

"Lycos signs deal to acquire
Wired Digital"

However, on the topic of
stoned, dorm-room
read-throughs of the Beastie
Boys' verses, our audience
appears to be both
knowledgeable and pro-active.
Suck regrets the error, and
as a special bonus to our
readers, we'd like to point
out that this error does, in
fact, negate the entire point
of the article in question.

Sincerely,

Suck Janitorial Staff

Suck EGGs: ABC's This Week
Gang

I'm glad to see Suck just
coming out and declaring
fatwa on droning anchorbots.
But I have two objections:

1) Don't you think it's noble
that ABC employs the mentally
retarded?

2) You missed the true queen
bee of the blathering
classes, Stone Phillips. Now,
I thought now-infamous
saccharide Jack Perkins was
annoying back when he was
just an over-avuncular mook
on KNBC in LA - but he was
really small potatoes
compared to Stone Phillips,
who is like some prototype
for a race of fey, waxy
bipeds who communicate only
through nodding and
simpering. He must be stopped
before he propagates further.

Sean M. Burke
<sburke@netadventure.net>

You must be a pretty
hard-hearted fellow to damn a
guy with hair as magnificent
as Stone's. If you're right,
and he truly is the
progenitor of a hunky new
race of Stones, well,
hubba-hubba! Bring 'em on!

Sucksters

Your column was funny,
as always, but don't start
thinking that what you write
is true just because it's
entertaining. The gang at
This Week are the most
rational pundits on
television. Perhaps you find
them boring because they
don't go overboard each show
trying to force some kind of
edgy dialog. Watch
carefully how they handle
evasive politicians compared
to other hosts, e.g., Larry
King. After politely
listening to some spokesman
rattle off all the good
things his boss has done for
children, the question is
repeated: "Did Congressman
Such-and-Such vote for the
Internet censorship bill?"
Few political shows follow
through when they ask a tough
question.

Peace,

Dr. Jack Kennedy
<jack@jack.org>

Larry King is a broadcasting
genius, Dr. Jack, and don't
you forget it.

But "most rational" ...
you're joshing us, right?

Lay off Cokie Roberts
already. Don't make me come
over there.

Robert Berger
<RBerger@activision.com>

Bring it on, motherfucker!
We've got a fresh can of
whoop ass with your name on
it right here.

Grrr. Suggesting George
Will should be capped is
tops; however, attacking my
grrl Cokie is a low blow. She
is playing a man's game and
winning. Personally, I'd cut
her some slack. Heaping her
in with the rest of the
diatribe tribe is foul. Seems
to me there's a bit of
jealousy here about Sam
Donaldson's tall dollars and
money for nothin', hmmm? Cash
on the barrel for being a
pompous ass doesn't suck.

On another topic: Living on
the east coast, I am
impressed with your
commitment to have Suck in my
mailbox when I come into
work. Nothing starts your day
better than a great Suck!

K Redburn
<kredburn@echip.com>

"Playing a man's game"? Ever
heard of Nellie Bly? Ever
seen His Girl Friday?
Journalism has been one of
the few professions where
women have had a fighting
chance since before
electricity was invented.
When Cokie straps on a cup
and shoulder pads and shows
what she's made of on the
gridiron, we'll be
impressed.