for 6 November 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Motherfucking Suck EGGs

BORING, BORING, BORING!
Cut it out with this evil
genius grant crap. What made
you switch from your
moderately successful format?
A bad batch of acid? Pressure
from Lycos? Have you replaced
yourselves with Virtual
Sucksters and flown to
Trinidad?

Are you bored of writing sarcastic,
caustic essays? Drawing
moderately funny cartoons?
Reading endless, insipid,
idiotic reader email and
coming up with sarcastic,
caustic responses? Buy
yourself a Virtual Suckster.

The Virtual Suckster is:

Satiric

• "With the new
  Titanic replicas being built,
  we are waiting for someone to
  fund an iceberg replica ... "
  
• "x should just acknowledge
  y and take z to the new
  level!"
• "Look! A clever link!"

Anti-Canadian

• "Wayne Gretsky may be the best 90-
  year-old on the ice ... "
• "The thing about the new 20-somethings
  is they are so damn Canadian....
  My friends, the conspiracy is
  here."

Pro-Drugs

• "Crack! Crack,
  crack, crackitty crack crack
  crack!"

Subversive

• "So who's got
  the pool going on which hour
  into the mission John Glenn's
  heart seizes? We want to
  know!"

Responsive to Reader Email

• "You're stupid!"

Quick Witted

• "Look! We used
  the word 'poop' in an essay!"
  

Steve Anichini,
who could
give a rat's ass about the
Beastie Boys' evil genius
<stevea@ visint.com>

Steve,

You're stupid.

Sucksters

Subject: Please, Suck
Magazine

I enjoy reading your magazine
for free every day. I
recommend that you make it
better. Since it is free, I
will read it every morning no
matter how bad it is, but I
would be happier if it was of
excellent quality. So please
put in more things that don't
make sense. I especially
enjoy nested brackets and
swearing.

Demmy Rooster
<root@treehouse.dyn.ml.org>

Well (since you're willing to
read the motherfucking thing
everyday [whether it's worth a
shit or not]), why the fuck
should we bother to make it
any better for your sorry
ass?

So why didn't Suck receive
the final EGG? You deserve it
at least as much as Lapham and
probably more than Foote.
False modesty does not become
thee, Sucksters. While I
would certainly miss Suck if
it took a year off, it might
be worth it to engender
Stillman's inevitable
chef-d'oeuvre: The Last Hours
of Suck....

"They're young, they're
computer savvy, and they're
cynical. We're talking, of
course, about the Internet's
doomed social class: the
name-dropping, twittish
techno-preppy. Stillman
completes his tetralogy of
comedies of ill manners in
which the privileged have
something to whine about,
too." Chris Eigeman as Carl?
Or Kate Beckinsale as Polly?
Christopher Walken as
Kornheiser? It's sounding too
good for Stillman now. But
would any of us readers
really be surprised if he had
already optioned your book?
And Stillman wouldn't even
have to pore over his old
Harvard class notes for the
name dropping this time -
it's all in back editions of
"The Shit."

Steven J. Pate
<spate@richmond.edu>

The concept is good, but
at this stage, the Sucksters would
be more accurately portrayed
by the cast of Cocoon.
Kornheiser, meanwhile, is
more of a Gerard Depardieu
type. And come to think of
it, the last hours of Suck
have gone on so long already
that their proper chronicler
is probably not Whit Stillman
so much as Edward Gibbon.

Rotten Suck EGGs!

Organization: Education
Developement Center

You're a bunch of trite
idiots.

I've been reading your stuff
for several months and there
were some interesting bits.

A really long time ago.

Why don't you stop
criticizing anyone who
happens to be within your
mass media-defined cross
hairs and Say Something, you
num-nums? Anything! I mean,
Hal Hartley, the Beasties,
Ira Glass are all people
who've Produced Something.
What have you produced other
than a self-referential
little rag that wouldn't even
exist without plastic
technology to run it? Where
are your ideas? Do you have
any? Can you spell "ideas"? Can
you write an entire article
without using the word
pundit even once? Who the
hell are you, anyway?

A bunch of trite idiots.

Kathryn Rasala
<KRasala@edc.org>

What exactly do you do at
Education Developement
Center Inc., anyway? Has it
ever occurred to you that
trite idiots might be more in
need of your leading,
nonprofit, educational
organization's research and
development programs than the
gifted and talented kids you
seem to favor? Thanks a lot
for ruining our self-esteem!

Tritely idiotic,

Sucksters

Why are you writing
about people I've never heard
of? Who is Ira Glass? Why
would anyone write about any
broadcaster on NPR? Next
you'll be giving awards to
Charlie Rose, for god's sake.
Please, no more EGGs. I think
they are stupid.

Yours very truly,

Rebecca E. Hamilton
<RARKING@aol.com>

Charlie Rose has already won
the special Bags
Under the Eyes and Lengthy
Setup to Questions awards, so
he's ineligible for an EGG at
this time. But you've got a
good idea, and we may just
devote whole columns in the
future to AMC's Bob Dorian
and Gordon from Sesame
Street.

what are these evil tv awards
and why have they been on
suck for the last week? they
are not funny. Please return
me to my regularly scheduled
suck programming.

Troy Sheets
<tsheets@saturn5.com>

Thanks for the input, Troy.
Next year, we may pare down
the musical numbers and some
of the boring technical
awards. But look for even
foxier guest presenters and
a slew of wisecracks from
Master of Ceremonies Tim
Kazurinsky!

Subject: hate hate hate hate
hate

Maybe it's just been a
stressful week at work, but
this recent concept is really
irritating. I like stopping
in at Suck every day at work
for a healthy dose of hate,
but dedicating two weeks to
personal attacks is getting
old. I know it's stupid to
complain about free
entertainment, but I like
Whit Stillman and the
Beastie Boys dammit. You're cutting
it a bit close to the bone, boys.

<Bgzw18d@aol.com>

You only like Stillman and
the Beastie Boys because you
have to pay for them. If you
got them for free, you'd be
complaining about how
irritating and old they are.
Even better, if you had to
pay for Suck, you'd convince
yourself how great it was
because you wouldn't want to
admit you'd wasted your
money. As it is now, you've
got the worst of both worlds.
And a stressful job.