for 13 November 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Doctor Who?

I thought you Sucksters would
have all been for
masturbation. I thought you'd even want
to elevate it to a national
sport and pastime. The hot
question is whether a circle
jerk is actually masturbating
or not.

Kendall
<kredburn@echip.com>

Let's get one thing straight:
Sucksters thrive on
masturbation, which passed
baseball as the national
pastime sometime during the
first Washington
administration. Whether
circle jerking is
masturbation is beyond the
purview of the Web site. Call
the Boy Scouts for an
official ruling.

On my honor,

Mr. M

Mxyzptlk:

Nice essay on the
increasingly irrelevant post
of Surgeon General. (There are
a handful of others out there
in official Washington that
require the same treatment.) I
was surprised that you did
not pull a quotation from
President Clinton's statement
on the nomination of Dr.
Satcher. Bill periodically
referred to the candidate for
Surgeon General as Dr.
Hatcher and Dr. Thatcher.
It seems Dr. Satcher began his
career in government service in
much the same way he'll end
it - with people asking, "Dr.
Who?"

Alan Thomas
<alant@andrew.cmu.edu>

This is more good researched
info/humor. But I've got to
admit that I stopped reading
your letter after the first
line.

Reach for the stars but keep
your feet on the ground,

Mr. M

A little research makes for
more comedy....

"Like her similarly named
counterpart in the world of
TV comedy, Don 'Father Guido
Sarducci' Novello," Dr.
Novello is Don Novello's
sister-in-law. Surely that
could have been worked in.

" ... she managed to make
virtually no impression on
the public, [which is] not a bad tactic
at all when your best schtick
is dressing up in a silly
costume and addressing
indifferent audiences who, if
you're lucky, will forget
they ever heard of you."

Sheesh. I'm disappointed.

Blake Sterzinger
<blasterz@usa.net>

No doubt about it, library
stacks are the place to find
comedy. But let me somewhat
paraplegically suggest that
not knowing or caring
who the fuck Don Novello or
Antonia Novello are related
to only proves
my point, whatever it is.

Mr. M (no relation)

I have it on good authority
that Sen. Trent Lott has
been carrying on an affair
with a gay Labrador for at
least the last seven years.
This Labrador has been
arrested for shoplifting
hamburgers from Burger King
at least three times during
the seven-year period.
However, Sen. Lott has reportedly
used his influence
to suppress release of
criminal records in the
national criminal information computer
that would confirm this
information. An FBI
investigation of abuse of the
NCIC is reportedly now
under way.

Rep. Dick Armey has
reportedly been seen reading
the Book of Mormon, and rumor
has it that there is an
aquarium in his office
containing at least two white
salamanders. What he doesn't
want anybody to know is that
the white salamanders seem to
be quite intimate with each
other, and it looks like
they're both male. Rep. Armey
is undergoing a severe
psychological challenge to
his belief that queers are
sinners, since the white
salamanders have been
delivering scriptural
messages to him for the last
96 hours, extolling the
virtues of polygamy, and he
can't quite tell whether
they're talking about
heterosexual or homosexual
polygamy. What's a bigot to
do?

Newt Gingrich, Pat Robertson,
and Jerry Falwell were seen
leaving the Club Baths of
Baltimore within three
minutes of each other. John
Waters reportedly recorded
this on tape. Reporters
gathered immediately and
the Rev. Falwell told
reporters that he had been
there investigating reported
sodomy activity. He was noted
to be walking with a distinctly
painful gait, which he
attributed to an acute onset
of inflamed hemorrhoids.
Gingrich told reporters that
he had just been
participating in a conducted
tour of the baths, during
which he posed environmental
questions directed at the
possible bacterial
contamination of the benches
in the steam room. He said
that Republicans would not
stand for pollution. When
asked whether they would sit
for pollution, he had no
comment. He threatened the
reporters with exposure of
their religious beliefs if
they didn't leave him alone.
John Waters offered him a dog
turd, which he gratefully
accepted.

Ain't life grand?

Gene
<ggan@etgs.com>

Why is everyone writing us
letters that are clearly made
for publishing these days?

Sodomy, like pork fat, rules,
and life is indeed grand.

Happy Friday the 13th.

Oedipus Wrecks

Simple solution: Turn off
the @#$@# television.

<cbradley@arcmail.com>

Well, I never actually
watched those shows; I just
read about them. But I am
thinking of cancelling my
subscription to TV Guide
because I'm always running
into people who've made a
choice to banish TV Guide
from their lives, and they
always seem so much better
for their sacrifice.

Huck

My god, man! You watch Beverly
Hills 90210, Party of Five, and
Dawson's Creek? I have lost
all respect for you. I have
only had the chance to view
these shows when forced to by
female companionship.

Is Dawson's Creek a Canadian
show? Party of Five was
originally a CBC production.
And Jason Priestly is a
Canadian from Scarbourough
(Toronto). Maybe no
self-respecting Canadian can
watch all this trash. Is
someone trying to subvert the
American Mind?

Maybe the fact that kids in
the States go on killing
sprees is directly related to
the fact that you have guns
everywhere. There is a
thought; I don't have them
that often.

Bill Pringlemeir
<bpringle@teklogix.com>
Toronto, On.

You are not going to goad me
into any of the usual Suck
Canada-bashing; I think
Canadians are great, and I
wish that Americans had even
a fraction of their good
humor, humility, and
all-around decency.

Regarding guns, it's not
guns or even bullets that
kill people: It's large
deep-tissue wounds, lacerated
organs, and loss of blood
that kills people. And I
don't see how you can really
legislate that, so what's the
point of cracking down on
guns?

Huck

Fish Threats

Subject: your white
vernacular

As good as your site is, I
cannot help but think that
you are all ignorant white
fucks. For example, when
replying to a letter from
Robert Berger, you said, and
I quote, "Bring it on,
motherfucker! We've got a
fresh can of whoop ass with
your name on it right here!"
This was amusing, but it
would have been more "real"
if you had said something to
the extent of the following:
"Bitch, step! Step,
muthafucka! I dare ya punk
ass to step. I dare you, you
pussy bitch. I'll smack you
upside your crack head like I
did your sister when she gave
me whack head last night,
bitch!" Your response was
more in the stone-cold, Steve
Austin vein. Get with the times,
motherfuckers.

sda
<sda212@stern.nyu.edu>

"Real"? Who said anything
about "real"?

Subject: Suck CAN be a teen
dream.

So the Sucksters are worried
about fading into
thirtysomething oblivion, eh?
Well as an 18-year-old daily
reader of your scandal sheet,
I thought I'd canvass some of
my fellow teens to see what
exactly they would like
to see in Suck, since I'm out of
touch with teen tastes
myself. I came up with:

1) Extreme sports and their
related beverages

2) Ska and its inbred cousin neo-swing

3) South Park

4) Summer alt-rock anthems from Sugar
Ray, Third Eye Blind, etc.

5) More episode synopses from
HBO's Perversions of
Science. (It was later
determined the submitter of
#5 was 20 and
chemically altered, making
her opinions irrelevant.)

6) South Park

So I guess you'd probably
better start squeezing as
many of these references as you can
in to Suck pronto, or you're gonna start
losing the vital 15- to
19-year-old readership to someone
who KNOWS how to speak the
kids language: Matt Drudge!
Yow!

Davin Kolderup
<dkk2@po.cwru.edu>

The only thing that's vital
about 15- to 19-year-olds is
the precious oils pouring out
of their glands.