for 18 November 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Subject: This is not kosher.

Dear Lumpy Ms. Grumpy,

All right, I know that this
insensitive curmudgeon thing
is, like, integral to your
brand identity and all, and
maybe you actually believe in
glib remarks as a style of
rhetoric, but you really
should watch your ass when
you tread on the reputations
of my Arab brothers. You and
I both know that tucking The
Arabs way down low on the
Polite and Reliable chart was
sort of a friendly jibe, not
only at the Chosen of Allah
but also at the shallowness
of the Western worldview. But
you're starting to beat
around a dangerous bush. Just
ask Salman Rushdie or the
producers of The Siege.

I'm about to get sidetracked
here: OK, so celebrity
posturing aside, Hollywood is
notorious for misrepresentations
and presenting dangerous
and insensitive stereotypes
at the drop of a hat, which
is why The Siege's release
was delayed. Arab groups
protested its anti-Faithful
message, and some face lifting
was required. But does anyone
remember True Lies?

What was I ranting about? I
forget.

Sharif don't like it,

Sheik Yerboutis
<sheikyerboutis@hotmail.com>

This is very suspicious. Don't you
mean "This is not Halal"?

Arabs are more polite and
hospitable than any other
people on the planet. But
they're completely
unreliable. Any plan you make
with Arabs is doomed to
failure because everybody
inevitably arrives two hours
late. Even Arabs acknowledge
that.

No French people wrote in to
tell me that French people
are, in fact, polite. No
Germans wrote in to tell me
that German people are both
reliable and polite. What's
your beef, man?

Don't tell me about Arabs. I
read The Stranger.

Ignorantly Yours,

Polly

What's with all the Bob Hope
references lately? There was one in
today's Filler about Lovable
Old People Who Deserve to
Die and another in Fish
...

I read Suck as a distraction
from the stress of my job;
not to be reminded of it! I
must request that
you please refrain from
references to Bob Hope or the
USO in future Suck columns. I
thank you in advance for your
consideration.

BTW, I see Terry is drawing
you with a new sweater. Very
nice!

Scott C. Gruber

Dear Scott,

I will immediately adjust my
column to suit your very
special needs.

This level of attention is
yours mostly because you
noticed my new sweater. I
love it. I love my new
sweater.

This song is about me,

Polly

In the third panel of
the first page of the 4 November
Filler, Polly is wearing a
different sweater. Was this
done to emphasize ...
wait, this is some sort of
trick, right? Or maybe it is
some sort of secret.... wait,
oh now I get it, you're just
trying to ... no, wait, I'm
not sure.

Sincerely,

D Krueger
<dkrueger@fullerton.edu>

It took years of begging
Terry to get rid of what
appeared to be a mock
turtleneck with multiple
buttons (hauntingly similar
to The Limited's fall '82
collection), but finally, a
new sweater is mine! Who'd
have guessed it would be
quite so fabulous? Yes, it
looks slightly like something
a Deadhead might wear to an
outdoor concert, but the
colors really do wonders for
my complexion, in spite
of that end table-shaped head
of mine.

This song is also about me,

Polly

M'sieur. O'Neil's claim that
California lacks history is
skewed. The state has a rich
and colorful history that
extends back to the 17th and
16th century; it just happens
to be Spanish rather than
Anglo. Perhaps M'sieur.
O'Neil is unfamiliar with the
origins of such names as Los
Angeles, San Francisco, San
Diego, et al. As Chris Rock
has said, if white people had
settled there first, the
cities would be called New
Washingtonville or the like.

Furthermore, as someone from
this side of the Mason-Dixon,
I find Southern scholars are
often Confederate apologists.
The romantic affection that
many Southern scholars
display reminds me of nothing
less than the German
infatuation with the Teutonic
knights a hundred years ago.
While Burns' The Civil War
isn't quite the Ring Cycle,
it is almost as long.

Masking the personal
prejudices and materialist
reasons for the Civil War
under the oh-so-noble
sounding phrase "states'
rights" is the same modus
operandi of the current batch
of wingnuts from gun-toting
tax resisters to park-
ranger-shooting ranchers,
from violent antiabortion
mobs to the fag-bashers.

Perhaps it is only a
coincidence that O'Neil is
from Montana, the modern-day
parallel to the 19th-century
secessionist South. Perhaps
imploring girlfriends hold
great sway over him. Perhaps
he should realize that just
because a person exhibits
"grace, knowledge, and
charm," such does not remove
one from the cross hairs of
satire. Indeed, Shelby Foote
and others who lay claim to
being a "true Southern
gentleman and scholar"
deserve a long-needed kick in
the ass, if not a good
goosing.

yrs. truly,

simon adkins
<sadkins@roanoke.edu>
In the Blue Ridge Mountains,
Virginia

"... I find Southern scholars
are often Confederate
apologists"? And we thought
we had cornered the market on
groundless sweeping
generalizations. You mean
that the Southern scholars
you've personally met are
quite often Confederate
apologists? And how does
Montana qualify as the
modern-day parallel to
19th-century secessionist
South?

But then, what's more
American than prejudice
against other Americans?

Finding Suck readers are
often considerable sweeping
generalizationists,

Sucksters

The Work of the People

How convenient that on
Election Day, Suck.com has
itemized noteworthy awards
and honorariums given to our
elected officials for acts of
little effort. This is a good
thing because I am in need of
emotional reassurance from my
participation in today's
democratic activities.

As I was walking away from
the polling booth I first
felt guilty that (A) I didn't
remember who I voted for and
(B) that everyone I voted for
was on the Marijuana Reform
Party's row, shared in part
by the Socialist Worker and
the Green Party rows. I
figured "Hey, I'm a
blue-haired freak, some of my
friends are punks (i.e.,
Socialists), that hippie
friend of my Dad's is always
badgering me to vote for Al
Lewis, and I'm way baked for
having woken up 10 minutes
ago. My vision's too blurry
to read but I can see the
little leaf icon, lets vote
for him/her."

Let me point out here that I
did not vote for "Grandpa
Munster" Al Lewis, I may be a
blue-haired freak, but senile
TV stars are not allowed to
run my country, I don't care
how much herb they smoke.
Anywho, I couldn't escape the
feeling that if I had just
paid attention to those
campaign ads or the bumper
stickers or those solicitors
at my door, I might be a more
responsible American. That
perhaps my decision today may
have tipped the balance in
favor of utter oppression or
my ability to toke on the
street. But instead I waltzed
in like many other workaday
Americans, flipped a bunch of
levers brandished with
convenient icons, and called
myself a patriot. I even have
a sticker to prove "I voted
today." We just assume that
the whole thing happens on
its own. That we have freedom
and liberty as a part of
everyday life is a luxury
held up by the work of
paperboys turned state
officials, poser Girl Scouts
turned politicians, apathetic
greeting-card senders turned
Congressman, and other
hard-working individuals. You
know, it brings a tear to my
eye when I look across this
land and I can see the future
of our country in the
extracurricular activities of
our youth....

Perhaps NORML, or the Green
Party hippie friend of my
Dad's will present me with a
Golden Bong. "For years of
youthful rebellion all for
the sake of our country's
desire to pay very little
attention, and pass the
blunt. HAIL TO THE CHIEF"

Tristan
<tristan@verio.net>

If your letter-writing
ability reflects how
functional a stoner you are,
we're not so sure you should
be allowed to vote under the
influence. Or speak under the
influence, for that matter.

Don't feel bad, though. You
can always tune in to That
'70s Show for hearty stoner
laughs.

Sucksters

Sorry about unsubscribing. I
mistakenly thought that
"Suck" was a humor mag.

Jim Austin
<shorty@sover.net>

Bahaha! It is now!
Have you considered the
stand-up circuit?