for 25 November 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Filler: Bad Conversations

That's just the tip of the
iceberg, Ms. Esther. How
about:

Desserts we've eaten: where
we ate them, where else you
can eat similar desserts, how
rich they are, how much
chocolate they have in them,
how much we love chocolate,
how unhealthy it is, how many
delicious foods are
unhealthy, and how it's OK to
be "naughty" once in a while.

Places we've visited: how few
other tourists we saw; the
things we saw that other
tourists didn't see; people
we met whom other tourists
wouldn't have met; how
beautiful, enriching, and
authentic our experiences
were; and how terrible it is
to be a tourist where there
are many other tourists,
particularly American
tourists, particularly
American tourists with
sensitivities and tastes
inferior to our own.

Activities we're involving
our children in: how creative
they are, how careful we have
to be about what our children
are exposed to, how damaging
it would be to let them watch
the television programs and
eat the foods that most
children watch and eat, how
crippling it would be to let
them attend the schools most
children go to, how it's
certainly important to have
ideals, and how we still
believe in ideals but won't
sacrifice our children to
them.

Things we own: how we must
admit that we do enjoy them,
what characteristics they
have that demonstrate their
superiority to similar
things, how educated and
sensitive one must be to
perceive these
characteristics, how many
people claim to possess this
knowledge and sensitivity,
and how few people actually
do possess them.

Culture we've consumed: how
intelligent it was; how
strongly it contrasts with
the culture most people
consume; how sad it is and
what a terrible sign it is
for the future that the
currently popular cultural
products are what most
people, particularly younger
people, seem to prefer; how
we do, however, admit a
fondness for the output of
one or two currently popular
creative figures; and how we
perceive more substance to
their work than is typical
for the genre or apparent at
first.

Services we pay for: how
justified we are in paying
for these services, given the
demands on our time and what
we consider important; how
pleased we are with the
people we're currently
employing; how strong and
what an inspiration they are;
how much better they are than
previous ones have been; how
we aren't sure if they need
any more work, but we'd be
more than happy to give you
their numbers.

Paul Spinrad
<pspinrad@smart6.infobahn.com>

Wow. Reading your email gave
me a sudden craving for three
strong gin and tonics
consumed within minutes of
each other.

Alcohol is the cause of and
cure for bad conversations.

Thanks for the reminder that
socializing only gets more
bland as you get older.

Polly

Subject: U2 owe me somekinda
...

Hey, one of the side effects
of New Yorkers needing to
redefine the center of the
universe was that most
buildings that must
accommodate baby boom
ravishes have shown their
capacity to adapt in the way
they move people vertically.
It is in these spaces that
the population realities of
the universe are most acutely
felt.

And just last night I stepped
out of my cubicled world into
a shared space. I'm speaking
of that place where most
storytellers rely on making
really far-fetched
coincidences seem ordinary,
where those buttons get
pushed that open the gates of
our once relatively private
worlds, revealing one where
we must face the factors of
immediate intimacy. Codes of
fashion, hygiene, manners,
odors, and consciousness
suddenly have meaning beyond
the pages of women's
magazines.

I overheard something like
this: "In the '60s we were
radical ... but now ... as we
crammed in a silently
occupied traveling box ... "
It went on: "I guess there
are still radicals ... " and
then there was silence again.

Until I said, "Yeah, it's
really hard these days....
You think you've just about
got it figured out and
suddenly you realize you've
gone public with it."

Which just started a burst of
comments not unlike a Yahoo!
chat room, where things get
fired out seeking some
connection, like a missile
into Iraq. I reverted to
saying, "It's the
government.... Gee, did you
clean your ears today?" And
those doors finally opened,
and we restored our sense of
purpose once again.

I am very grateful that the
top floor in this building
has been given to a bunch of
cartoonists.

I now think those cameras
have more purpose than
security. I now know how you
can make fun at such a great
distance.

jharford
<jharford@weebotech.com>

If only the distance were
greater.

Making really ordinary
coincidences seem far
fetched,

Polly

Attack of the Killer Shrews

Welcome to Suck backlash '98!
Finally, a single-minded
mincing of the female voice.
I've been waiting so long.
Shrews, beavers, cunts,
fembots, "girls," bitches,
etc.: I don't recall seeing
such degrading terminology in
this column when despised
homosexuals or African
Americans were described.
They must not be all the same
like we women are! Oh, the
ease with which you throw the
slurs of misogyny around! And
your charming disgust with
the aging female body! It
just gets me hot. It's about
time your take-no-prisoners
attitude toward politics and
entertainment took on half
the population. We
desperately need another
forum for the "Silence the
Woman" campaign. Thank you
for making me realize that
individuals aren't the
problem, WOMEN ARE! I'm sure
if I take your oh-so-subtle
hints and just shut up, the
world will be a much better
place. Gosh, disempowerment
is SO FUNNY! How could I have
forgotten?

Michelle Livingston
<MLivingston@mplsfoundation.org>

There was no backlash
intended, though the lines
you quoted - mostly cribbed
from Jack Nicholson in Carnal
Knowledge - probably weren't
the brightest way to get the
idea across. Far from coming
out against the "female
voice," I'm down on
self-promoting bullies who
think picking apart
flagellants constitutes
morality and believe that the
way to show strength is to
shout the other person down.
Follow the link to that
Vanity Fair story and you'll
see that Schlessinger has
spent most of her career
cozying up to men while
stabbing in the back any
woman who happened to work
with her. Though I suppose
it's possible I Just Don't
Get It, that behavior strikes
me less as empowerment than
as an old-fashioned palace
intrigue. Anyway, if you're
concerned about
disempowerment, don't waste
your time getting mad at
somebody as disempowered as
me. Get out there and join
the grassroots campaign to
get Dianne Feinstein
nominated for president in
2000.

Bartel

Dear Bartel,

I don't necessarily disagree
with your points in the above
article, (though you
obviously have an opinion
you're trying to prove), but
god damn the smugness! In an
age when practically no one
has the time to read trivia,
the West Coast,
I'm-so-god-awfully-
well-informed, hip, cool, and
above all, smug style of
writing may well be the most
trivial part of our day.

I know, some of your readers
probably love it: West
Coasters, New Yorkers - about
six percent of the nation. I
suppose I should just stop
reading your articles and
spend my time listening to
the opinions of people who
are not so clever.

Don't get me wrong; I like a
little glibness served up
with my opinions. A dollop
would do nicely. Anything
more detracts from the main
course.

I hope you can accept this
critique in the spirit in
which it is offered. If not,
you can dump a load of glib
smugness on me via your reply
- if you have time for such
trivial pursuits, that is.

Kenneth W. Bickford
<kbickford@sunshinepages.com>

You know, outside of Boston
there is a Bickford's Family
Restaurant, and just the
memory of it gives me a warm
feeling. This is a place
where you can get a truly
American breakfast with
beverage for less than US$6.
It has hearty portions,
piping hot eggs and sausage,
plenty of coffee, and a menu
so all-American that each
table comes with its own
defibrillator.

What a contrast with my
current home in San
Francisco, where the local
International House of
Pancakes offers naught but a
shabby, runt-sized stack of
pancakes and a sparse
selection of expensive,
ill-prepared breakfasts, and
even the toast for your
omelette must be purchased a
la carte! Why, those IHOP
knaves even add insult to
injury by prominently
advertising their Famous
Bottomless Cup, which costs,
if you can believe it, $1.75!
As if the Bottomless Cup is
some special delicacy, rather
than the bare minimum
breakfast in a freedom-loving
nation!

I know you had some point,
but really, I miss Bickford's
Family Restaurant. Bless you
if you're any relation.

Bartel