for 6 January 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Dissent of Man

Dear Tim:

You missed some obvious
targets by leaving out both
cubism and surrealism, and we
thank you for that. Still,
sometimes the out-of-left
field folk do get it right
and at the least they provide
a useful reality check on the
truth-is-beauty people. Hard
as it is to believe that an
entire species suffers from a
trace-element deficiency (and
no, I don't believe it for a
minute) and foolish as it is
to assume that our ancestors
were incapable of
nonrepresentational art, it
is true that very few
organisms really do function
at full design
specifications. Just as in
our own species, for example,
apparently a form of
blindness, caused by a
vitamin A deficiency during
pregnancy, is so common in
parts of Africa that women
who don't suffer some sort of
vision loss during pregnancy
worry that's there's
something wrong with their
pregnancies. Maybe it's a
mistake to reject the
iodine-deficiency argument
out of hand.

Incidentally, Ganesh (whose
likeness watches me as we
speak, on the wall right next
to one of Terry's more-apt
creations), is the Hindu god
of trouble. Not "getting out
of trouble" or "getting into
trouble"; just trouble in
general. Apparently he plays
both sides of the street: He
both causes it and fixes it.
An apt metaphor for a writer,
eh? Not to mention excellent
job security.

Funny piece. Thanks.

Alan Kornheiser

Alan,

I'm still waiting for news
that the fabled Irish Curse
is caused by a vitamin
deficiency, which can be
cured by massive lard
injections.

Troubled,

Bartel

Oh, I get it!!! This is
humor. Oh man. What a
formula. In fact, I'm
guessing, somebody wrote
this. Ha ha ha. Did you pay
them? Are you paying people
to write formula humor now???

How about this? How much
would you pay me for this?:

The embryo was transferred
into a surrogate mother, who
gave birth to what the
researchers believed were
cloned mice.

Waiting for my check,

M. Nick

That joke sucks, M. Even by
the lowest formula standards,
we wouldn't pay a plug nickel
for it.

yr pal,

Bartel

Between today's Filler and 3
December's link to Ana's
(incomprehensible) Feed
article, I would like to say
a word on her behalf:

Too many nasty Ana Marie Cox
allusions in one month.

Pass the beets.

Siobhan Adcock

Oh get your lips out of her
keester, Siobhan. She's not
going to help you with
whatever job you're trying to
get.

Hi-ya!

Are you "really" the writers
from Spy magazine??? I really miss
Spy and itz 'bent' on thingz
politic ... I suddenly feel
like the kid who wants his
Maypo! Gimme Spy! (pleaze!!!).

herrwitt!

Terry L. Witter

Yeah, Terry, we're the
writers from Spy. This is
just something we do to keep
ourselves amused in between
our regular gigs at The New
Yorker and Vanity Fair. When
we're not dating models or
being knighted by foreign
dignitaries, we also publish
mimeographed newsletters
detailing our right-wing
political views. We also
drink champagne out of the
navels of starlets, but still
find time to pen the Mr.
Snitch column in your local
Smart Shopper newspaper.

busily,

Sucksters

In predicting the demise of
Hariette Surovell's career
(of which you obviously know
nothing), you inadvertently
show us (the online
community) your fear of
exposure. Do you treat your
content creators in the same
manner Salon does? Do you
have a problem with someone
standing up for their rights?

Isn't it ironic that in a
medium that gives publishing
power to the masses, sites
such as yours are having a
hard time trying to leverage
their position into some sort
of Goliath. Unfortunately,
your attempt to squash the
creators of content with
threats such as predicting
dark futures for those who
dare to expect fair play does
not wash with us.

Here's our prediction: You
will continue to publish
material that ensures your
position of power, but
(unless you mature) you will
be increasingly shunned by
people who could help you be
successful. Since your talent
lies in maintaining a
somewhat interesting Web
site, pretty soon it will be
an attractive shell with no
substance.

Get a grip and get your facts
straight. I read Surovell's
piece and, contrary to what
you report, she posted two
substantive articles, was
requested to write a third,
and then had a piece accepted
only to be rejected on an
editor's whim. You seem to
imply that she was a wannabe.
Perhaps you should do a
little fact-checking before
posting the incoherent babble
that passes for cogent
commentary on your site. Do
yourselves a favor. Edit it
and repost it. Or just pull
it. You are embarrassing
yourselves.

Robin

Thanks, "Robin." But I can't
help noticing that your email
address is the same one
listed for Hariette Surovell
in the New York Press
article. Just to show you
we're more sporting than
Salon, we'll run your
response, largely unedited,
in our special VIP column
(also known as The Fish).
Your fee for this piece, and
your kill fee should we
change our minds, is $0.00,
but rest assured - your
writing is a bargain at twice
the price.

Who needs a Salon-busting
article when we have this:

"While it's possible this new
interest in poverty-defying
sugar daddies (and distrust
of the logical ends of the
free market) is an honest
outgrowth of David Remnick's
status as a man of the
people, we suspect
Condé Nast's legions
are more willing than most to
snuggle up to free-spending
Santas." - Suck, Thursday, 10
November

"free market," just tossed
off casually, our new
political code word thrown in
the face of the PC orthodoxy.
i love it. aging baby-boomer
parents want more state
control to enforce (take your
pick of traditional liberal
or conservative causes)?
mention the "free market" and
watch their faces contort in
anger. Libertarianism isn't
just for irreligious
Republicans who don't want to
pay their taxes anymore.
talkin' 'bout my
g-g-generation.

but don't go too far. the
free market is as logical as
Marxist scientific history
was inevitable. mute
acceptance of the Stalinesque
horrors of the "inevitable"
free market is illogical.
what does it matter whether a
dictator or a jumble of
regulation and corporate red
tape withholds food from
entire nations- it's still a
Terror Famine.

it's a myth like all the
others: anybody who has ever
seen the volumes of law books
that regulate the exchange of
goods and services in this
society knows that there is
no such thing as a "free"
market. even the underground
economy has conventions that
regulate its trade. you yearn
for that perfectly rational
mechanism of exchange, like
poor Descartes, searching for
a rational God. but assume
you mean "free market" as in
simply "voluntary exchange,"
a market made up of trade
that is not compelled or
enforced; as in, the opposite
of a command economy.

a "logical ends" becomes
impossible: a free market has
too many combinations and
permutations; it is too
complex. highly complex
systems do not have logical
ends. they have emergent
properties, results that are
more than the sum of their
parts. they are, by their
nature, unpredictable; they
are mathematical enigmas.
deterministic chaos continues
to elude us: they defy human
reason. to ascribe logic to
the market is an error of
logic, and errors of logic
are the stock in trade of
Salon, not of my favorite
revolutionaries, my beloved
sucksters.

let Salon drown itself in PC
newspeak and sophistry. they
are the living fossils of an
old revolution, in denial
that they are part of the
establishment that must be
overthrown. let us put up in
its place an edifice of
truth. An edifice of Suck.

yours loyally,

Jake Bowman

Yeah. Huh. Those ...
f-f-fossils. Jerks.

Um. What?