for 8 January 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Filler: Deconstructing Ana

Dear Polly,

Just finished reading this
week's Filler, and I was just
wondering what exactly
"post-hipness" entails.

For that matter, what is hip?

It probably has nothing to do
with living in Saskatchewan
or referencing Tower of Power
songs. Damn.

love the column,

Jason
Regina, SK.

If I knew what hip was, do
you really think I'd write
jokes for Fish?

Post-hipness entails knowing
what hip is and then
pretending to forget. You
know it when you see it. More
easily recognizable than hip,
actually, but often confused
with earnestness served with
a side of ironic detachment.

I don't know what the hell
I'm talking about.

Self-deprecation:
post-vanity?

Anyway, now aren't you glad
you live in Saskatchewan?

Polly

Dear Polly,

My brother put me onto Suck
claiming that "the girl who
does Filler is exactly like
you." After reading today's
Filler, I called him up and
yelled at him. Just out of
curiosity, is this something
you would do?

Sincerely,

Needeya Islam
<awgsyd@ozemail.com.au>

I don't know. Did you tell
him you were pissed that he
thinks your head looks like
an end table?

If not, we're not much alike.

But it is exciting to think
that there's someone who's
exactly like me in the world,
and that his name is Needeya
Islam.

Polly

Missing from Polly's Little
Deconstruction Book:

56. Fix everything with vodka
tonics.

57. Keep it trite.

58. Hem.

59. Haw.

60. Glorify intellectual
poverty.

61. Stink differently.

Joe Kenny

Wow. I'm stinking differently
already!

Those vodka tonics need lots
of lime. I think you should
mention that.

In all my intellectually poor
glory,

Polly

Dear Suck,

I am a struggling column
writer in Spartanburg, South
Carolina, and I want to know
how to become smart and hip
and funny. Should I hang out
with smart and hip and funny
people? There are no smart or
hip people in Spartanburg,
and few are funny in the
right way. Should I maybe
move to Columbia? Is there an
instructional videotape? How
did y'all become smart and
hip and funny?

Just wondering,

P.S. Is the Fish hip or just
funny?

Murray

A struggling column writer?
Meaning you're struggling to
write your column or meaning
that you're struggling
because you, in fact, have no
column?

It's fine to hang out with
smart and hip and funny
people, but there's one
problem. This is the
important part, so listen
closely: They have to be
smart and funny. More often
than not, you'll try to hang
out with smart, hip, funny
people, and you'll find
yourself surrounded by sort
of smart, hip people who
aren't funny at all.
Actually, the most likely
scenario is that you'll find
yourself hanging out with hip
people who are undeniably
stupid and painfully unfunny
(it's a word, trust me). But
they'll probably take neat
photos of you with their Elph
cameras, so you can show your
old friends all your hot new
hip friends, who know all
about music and clothes and
stuff, and that'll be cool.
For about an hour.

The Fish is supposed to be
funny because he's not hip,
but since you didn't get
that, it looks like he's
neither hip nor funny.

I have to stop using the word
"hip" in my columns. It's
like a blind guy dancing
about architecture.

Painfully unfunny,

Polly

Subject: Crystal Pepsi

Dear Stefano Rossetto:

I noted your question, posted
for laughs on the Suck
letters page, and as a
concerned world citizen am
answering. By bizarre
coincidence, I was involved
with this product's
development.

Pepsi Cola, like all colas,
is a mix of cola extract,
so-called dark flavors (like
brown sugar and vanilla) and
citrus flavors. It is
naturally clear; the brown
shade is caramel coloring and
is essentially tasteless at
the levels used. Because
"cola" tastes are subtle and
unfamiliar, someone tasting a
cola blind perceives the
product as essentially spicy
with citrus flavor; Pepsi, by
design, is more spicy and
citrus flavored than Coke,
which leans toward the
vanilla and brown sugar
flavors.

At innumerable times,
depending on who was the
brand manager and how
ignorant he or she was,
someone has come up with the
idea of marketing Pepsi as a
clear beverage, without the
coloring. This always fails;
without the brown color to
identify it, people are
confused. Mind you, it still
tastes very good; it just
confuses people.

The most recent attempt to
sell clear Pepsi was marketed
as Crystal Pepsi, again it
was essentially regular Pepsi
Cola without food coloring.
I'm sure this flopped
dismally when it was tested.
Probably the launch was
driven by the Pepsi CEO Roger
(the ego has landed) Enrico,
the man who single-handedly
brought Apple Slice to
America because he alone
liked it. This is
supposition; I wasn't
involved in the decision.

Crystal Pepsi did, of course,
fail and is no longer sold. I
trust this piece of data from
the Cola Wars helps you in
doing whatever it is that
you're doing.

Alan Kornheiser

Thank you, Alan, for even
more useful information for
our readers.

I am a grandmother of three,
with one on the way. I do a
lot of surfing if you can
picture that. My interest is
seeing what is out there on
the Internet. The Web site
just came by accident. To
tell you the truth, I really
enjoy your page. I will tell
others about it. This
recommendation might surprise
people, but I live
dangerously.

Elizabeth

"Came just by accident," eh?
We know just how you feel.

Weakly attempting to make
surfing more dangerous,

Sucksters

Subject: Fishing rod

Dear Sirs:

How do you do?

Tianjin Longmen Fishing Tool
Co., Ltd., is located in
China, in the Tianjin
development area. The company
is the earliest enterprise
that is making fiberglass rod
in China. At present,the
company has been becomed a
taroest enterprise of fishing
tackle enterprise of China.
The products are fiberglass
rod, carbon rods and hand
rod, dropping rod, double-use
rod, telescopic style, joint
style. There are various
kinds of specifications, all
total 300 kinds of fishing
rod can be made. Its function
is fit for all kinds of
water.

There are very best system of
quality guaranteed. The
products was sold in domestic
of China, and exported to
Asia, Europe, America, Egypt,
and so on. To build up
friendship and achieve
greater development in
business cooperation, it
expresses its warm welcome to
friends both at home and
abroad with its favorable
geographical position and
flexible management system.

B. Regards

Looking forward to earlier
reply.

Manager export business
Zhang
jiyao

Tianjin Longmen fishing Tool
Co., Ltd
Add:Zhongxinqiao
Tanggu Tianjin China
Fax:
86-22-25367114
Tel:
86-22-25367117

Email:xinglm@teda.tj.cn

We do well. Suck is the
earliest enterprise that it
is making columns on the
Internet, the graphic portion
of the World Wide Web. It
expresses its warm welcome to
friends both at home and
abroad with its unfavorable
geographical position and its
unflexible and downright
pissy management system. To
avoid waxy friendship
build-up, wash with water,
very hot!

Looking backward to previous
reply.

Sucksters