for 20 January 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Filler: Post-Holiday Grays

Subject: Thank you ...

for the great post-holiday
Filler. It made me want some
coffee or maybe some crack to
kick-start my blahs....

Todd McGuinness
<toddm@pcidirect.com>

Sluggish? Depressed? I'd
suggest you go see The Thin
Red Line. Try not to take
anyone who has an unhealthy
attachment to "plot" or who
often refers to movies as
having a great "payoff." Try
to take someone who secretly
writes really bad poetry or
likes Kate Bush but would
rather not discuss it.

It's a great movie. It makes
you glad to be alive, if you
are alive, that is.

Polly

Subject: Merch', merch',
merch'

I wanna Canadian crack rabbit
plush toy with kinda
messed-up fur. And when you
touch it, it hisses. I want
one!

Sean M. Burke
<sburke@netadventure.net>

So do I, Sean. Oh God, so do
I. But the man says it's too
expensive to make a product
with a target demographic of
about six. Plus, the hissing
mechanism is very expensive.
Very.

You don't happen to have a
large sum of money you'd like
to invest in this venture, do
you now?

Messed-up and hissing,

Polly

"I just noticed in the 6 January
Filler that the Joey
character and the Polly
character are working in a
house. On the last page, the
Joey character is writing at
a kitchen table while the
Polly character is lying near
an overstuffed chair and
lamp. Does this mean that
Suck is made by people living
together in a house, just
like The Real World? I like The Real
World, don't you? You could
make a Real World out of your
friends, you know? And you
could all be like, "Hey I
THOUGHT we were friends," and
people could call in and tell
your friends OFF, you know?
That would rule. Or maybe the
TV show Friends should be
about your real-world
friends, I mean your friends
in the real world and not
your friends on The Real
World. That would be funny,
like all hanging out at the
coffee shop and joking around
about Chandler. I mean, most
of my friends are in punk
rock bands or are chemists
working for the federal
government. You know that
would be FUNNY, how they
interact and all, like trying
to get people together to do
something where some friends
wake up at 5 a.m. and other
friends wake up at 5 p.m.
That's CRAZY, you know?

But more about Suck: So Suck
is made out of a big house
now? Are you going to do a
Jennicam? Because I would
love to be able to sit and
watch you funny people come
up with crazy ideas while I
sit here coding SQL all day,
and I'd pay you guys to do a
personal chat, like I'd be
WAY into paying you guys for
that, so that would make
money for you, you know. You
all would be making money,
which you know is kind of
hard with the new media IPOs
and profit shares and all,
but sometimes we could just
chat for free because we like
to talk. That would be like
this great funny fishbowl on
my desk, because my boss says
I'm not allowed to have real
fish in my office.

Or maybe you could drive over
here like on Road Rules: You
and Joey and Terry could
drive around and go
snowboarding in Colorado with
Ambrose Beers or go visit Ann
O'Tate at her new office. And
I bet you'd be chased out of
there like a scene from some
crazy beer party movie from
the 1980s, except now you'd
have rollerblades, which
would be much funnier than
checkerboard sneakers. And
Mrs. Jones would be like,
"you whippersnappers, you
leave Ann O'Tate alone," and
she would be waving a rolling
pin and some kind of apron,
and Ann O'Tate would be in
the background with a tear
like Iron Eyes Cody who died
yesterday. This would be the
funniest Road Rules EVER, you
know? And maybe you could
drive over and visit me at my
office and my boss would be
all like, "No, no, no, get
that crazy floating fish out
of here," and I'd be all
like, "In ... your ... FACE,
dude," because you guys rule
and SQL is really lame
because it's about databases,
which suck, but you guys
rule. And then I could drive
you guys around like Mentor
on the old Shazam! TV show
through the highways and
byways, and we'd like pick up
hitchikers and stuff, only
they'd think WE were the
freaky ones and ask to get
let out and we'd be like, NO
WAY dude, you're on the CRAZY
TRAIN. Like Super Train, like
Ernest Borgnine's big bus,
it'd be like the ultimate
prom limo, with Joey and
Polly and Terry and the Hack
and the Fish, and it'd be
great, really great, much
more fun than coding SQL.

Don S.
<bbcrock@hotmail.com>

It's funny how the best
letters are a stone's throw
away from the worst, and yet
the difference is so subtle
and special. In this case, I
think the crucial difference
was the tear in Ann's eye.
And the way you try to seem
stupider than you are. I'm
stupider than I seem, so I
like that.

Anyway, the Suck house is
just like you imagine it,
only way, way better. God,
it's divine. It's just
non-stop laughs. We pretend
to hate each other for kicks;
you know, edgy Brothers
McMullen humor, but basically
we la-la-love each other. And
we're always like, "In your
FACE, dude" to, like,
everyone, and it's fucking
CRAZY! It's like the prom, 24
hours a day, seven days a
week.

Of course, we know you're
joking, and we love you for
it. But, uh, keep sending us
these scenarios, OK? You're
enhancing our images of
ourselves like you wouldn't
believe.

Polly

Subject: Time for an
all-Kornheiser Suck!

Yes, I humbly submit that a
Kornheiser-inspired, perhaps
even Kornheiser-edited
(à la Spike Lee back
in early Spin) or
Kornheiser-written
installment of Suck is
something whose time has
come.

Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Simon Adkins
<random@infi.net>

We've considered it, Simon.
But Kornheiser is an elusive
sage, brooding up in his
aerie, studying his books of
arcane learning, occasionally
signaling to us from some
high parapet. Some say he
practices wizardry and the
black arts; others that he
knows science and philosophy
beyond our reckoning. We know
none of these things for
certain, only that when
Kornheiser is content in his
keep, our children grow
strong and tall, and our
husbandry thrives. But we
know better than to importune
him with the labors of this
world. He keeps his own
counsel and writes to us when
and if he chooses. One does
not task Kornheiser.

Sucksters

Subject: Kornheiser

sigh

Who the fuck is this Alan
Kornheiser?! Just hire him
and get it over with! Quit
stroking each other on The
Fish every other day and
leave some room for the other
cerebroids out there.

Uh, you do get letters from
others don't you?

Gregg Headrick
<gregg@utkux.utcc.utk.edu>

We do get letters from
others, Gregg, but since so
many of them are like yours,
we usually end up publishing
Kornheiser's.

Sucksters

Subject: It pays to enrich
your word power

Please use more of the
following words: torpor,
slat, shat, hecatomb, pogrom,
hegemony. Thank you.

Rich Megginson
<richm@netscape.com>

Please use more of the
following words:
lackadaisical, smooshed,
dumbhead, marijuanicah.

Sucksters