for 3 February 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Subject: Steve

You know this makes
you the best,
best friend on earth. He
appreciates this shit right?

Where do we sign up to be the
next Steve?

I can be very difficult to
love too.

r stevens

You don't "sign up" to be the
next Steve. You earn it by
obsessively whining about
your perfectly good life day
after day, literally for
hours on end, running up
hundreds of dollars in phone
bills and destroying the
sanity of the few friends you
have left.

Don't worry, though. I'm sure
some pathetic little half-wit
will "love" you some day.

Love,

Steve

Subject: I WANT STEVE ...
well, I want to be punished,
anyway

Polly,

I want Steve because I am a
self-masochistic Kim hater
(that would be me). Of
course, I would be using
Steve to punish myself for
everything that is me, but
isn't that enough? Wouldn't
that just give him fodder
for griping?

I have thought far too much
about this. I am moving to
Seattle.

Kim [Last Name Withheld to
Protect Those Who Would Deign
to Date Steve]

Kim, honey: a
"self-masochistic" Kim hater?
I'm not sure there's any
other kind of masochism. As
far as punishing yourself,
come on, what could be so
wrong with you? Seriously,
tell me. I'm sure it's
actually much worse than you
think. I'm fairly certain I
could help bring that to
light for you.

As far as "thinking" too much
about this: Uhh, don't worry.

I'll pick you up at the
airport. Don't forget the
picture of your ass.

Steve

Steve,

I hear your the man of my
dreams.... You have been
described so beautifully in
yesterday's edition of Suck.
If the description of you is
even remotely accurate, I
think I could see a future
for us.... What do you think?

Connie

"Connie,"

Please reread your note.

"You're" is a contraction
signifying "you are." It fits
in sentences such as "You're
the man of my dreams."

"Your" is a possessive
pronoun. It can be used for
expressions such as "Your
grammatical prowess makes me
weak in the knees."

"Yer" is a compound
indeterminate. It can be used
in multiple situations such
as "Yer real smart. I'll bet
you got yer GED. Wanna see my
hernia scar?"

More to the point: How can I
see a future for us when I
can't even see you? Frankly,
I can't picture us together
until I see a picture of your
ass. Send one right away.

Steve

Subject: I want Steve as my
little bitch!

As much as I want - as much
as I need air ...

Steve needs to be mine.

Tri-colored hair, short
nails. I own a vibrant red
phone.

Steve has waited for me all
his lackluster life.

I am his warm window out of a
dark, cold room.

Bonus Point: I live in
Seattle.

Terri

Um, why should anyone care
what color your phone is?

Anyway, write to Steve. He's
desperate, he won't mind
about the phone.

Polly

Steven:

Polly says I should write -
to you.

So tell me. Thing 1: Do you
sweep floors at that hospital
- or are you one of the big
boys?

Thing 2: Dominatrix is the
name of the game. Do you have
a game piece with which to
play?

Terri

Terri,

What makes you think my name
is spelled "Steven"? That's
the spelling used by mouth
breathers, vacuum-cleaner
salesmen, and cretins who
lust after common farm
animals. "Stephen," on the
other hand, is used by the
refined, the effete, and
hemophiliacs. Tell me: You
dot your "i" with a little
heart, don't you?

Uh, do I have a game piece
with which to play? Like, the
thimble? How about the boot?

Confused but not intrigued,

Steve

You know, sometimes Suck is
the only thing that gets me
out of bed in the morning, and
I'm used to being
disappointed. But this was a
great essay. I can't imagine
anyone else who'd have been
able to take Mike Tyson
seriously without sounding
ridiculous. In related news,
that person who writes the
text for the alt tags used
the word "intillectual" in a
sentence. Please make it
stop! Some of us have to read
those things.

Demmy Rooster
<cmaan@panther.uwo.ca>

Demmy,

It's a sure sign of a column
that doesn't work when
readers start commenting on
the alt tags. Alt-tag
responses rank right up there
with "your layout makes the
articles hard to read," "stop
running advertising or my
roommate and I will stop
reading your site," "I am
unable to
subscribe/unsubscribe; please
do it for me," and "when are
you going to bring back the
Canadian Rabbit on Crack?"
for nonresponse responses.

Writing ridiculously without
sounding intillectual,

bartel

So much to say, with nothing
said. Less time spent in
thesaurus, more time
accessing the true feel of a
circumstance.

"Elsewhere in the country,
blandroids like George W.
Bush promote a
people-friendly political
system, and people talk about
a bipartisan (though, sadly,
never bi-curious) Congress as
if it were a good thing."

Irrelevant quote,
unnecessary, and pop-culture
ridiculous.

Slam man reference held my
interest with the same
intensity as an arm-wrestling
match with Bob Dole.

Calling reporters prim was a
nice step. "Prince Naseem =
toxic," also nice. But you
missed many good points that
seem to be fairly intuitive
for a writer.

Try harder, do better,

Scott Levin

Oh, blow it out your ass,
Scott. At least when wannabe
writers share their thoughts
it's funny. A wannabe editor
contributing his two cents is
unnatural and pathetic.

yr pal,

Bartel

I perceive discussion of my
choice for 1998 jail movie of
the year in today's piece as
"usual consideration," so here
goes.

In 1988 I accepted a position
- an internship - with Rock
Bottom Productions, a
music-promotion outfit in
Boston run by Adrienne
Lenhoff, who I had met the
previous year at college. She
really didn't have anything
for me to do and had no money
coming in. And since I am not
independently wealthy and she
kicked my stuff out into the
hall, I had to find other
things to do with that period
of survival.

Somehow I had two tickets to
see Frank Zappa, and Vivian
(who I met through Adrienne)
agreed to go see the show
with me. First we had
deep-dish pizzas somewhere
very similar to if not
exactly at Pizzaria Uno at the
eastern end of Kenmore
Square. Then we went to the
show. She didn't like it and
we left. Her parting
conversation as she got into
a cab and I caught the red line
going the other way was to
share her health snack
suggestion of blendering a
lot of garlic with some apple
juice.

Which is what, about last
week's piece, reminded me of
that night.

You probably have no idea
what I'm talking about.

David L Nicol

Deep-dish pizza is an offense
against nature, and I say
this as a resident of
California, land of
disgraceful pizza. If you're
seriously saying that your
date consumed deep-dish pizza
without complaint and then
forced you to leave a Zappa
show, she must be a person
completely without powers of
judgment or distinction. I'm
not surprised that a leering
gibbon like that would blend
garlic and apple juice - just
the kind of grotesque
lunchroom concoction the kid
at your school who ate
anything would swallow on a
dare. I trust you had no
further truck with this
individual, and avoided the
recipe.

Your choice of Slam as the
1998 jail movie is well
considered, but come on -
that scene in the jail yard?
Pure bullshit. Represent!

Bartel