for 5 February 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Unfortunately, this theory
does not translate as well
for the American talent of
taking mediocre British
sitcoms and making them
infinitely worse.

Max Bruce

I didn't write today's
article and thus may be
exceeding my brief, but I'll
bet any amount of quid that
Sanford and Son is a damn
sight better than Steptoe and
Son, the Britcom on which it
is allegedly based.

Bartel

Subject: Brit imports

Why do you think we send
them?

Bwahaha.

P.S. Mike Myers was born in
Liverpool, so he's just as
fucking guilty.

"A letter always arrives at
its destination." - Jacques
Lacan

Nick Sweeney
<nsweeney@jesus.ox.ac.uk>

Thanks for the compliments
and correction. I'm more than
a little disturbed by your
sig file, however - a
freakin' no-good frog takes
the starring role. And Lacan
no less, whose name, when
pronounced properly in the
"language of the father"
means little more than
"asshole." Jesus, if the
Brits are a disease, the
French are what's left over
from a tumor.

Cordially,

Mr. M

So, the Teletubbies were an
attack on your national
sovereignty, eh? Ever heard
of self-defense? We couldn't
exactly sit there grinning
and bearing it as our country
was overrun by an inane
purple dinosaur. If it's any
consolation to you, my
3-year-old daughter spends
more time speaking with an
American accent than an
English one and she has
never been heard to say
either "bloody" or "cheers" -
I always thought Cheers was
the name of an American
sitcom.

Dan Sumption
<dan@gulch.demon.co.uk>

Dear Dan,

Cor blimey! The L.L. Bean
English Walking Shoe's on the
other foot now, innit,
gov'nor? Should your gal
continue to speaketh with an
American accent, she'll no doubt
have a solid future in the New
World Order.

"Cheers" remains a bad way to
end a letter or a conversation.

Cheers,

Mr. M.

Subj: Anglophilia

It's only natural for an
empire to pay homage to the
one that preceded it. The
Romans traipsed off to Athens
to gawk at the marbles and
sample "real culture." Of
course, like America with
England, they eventually
became comfortable with their
own culture and accepted
themselves for what they
were. They enjoyed their
orgies, circuses, and
vomitoria with no sense of
shame or failing. Americans
can only be happier when they
liberate themselves from
foreign and obsolete
standards of "culture" and
"civilization."

Mark Samborsky

Dear msambors,

As a student at several
American institutions of
so-called higher learning and
a former resident of New
York, Philadelphia, and Los
Angeles, I can attest that
Americans have absolutely no
sense of shame or failing
when it comes to vomiting.

Mr. M

Subj: British Disease

Sir (or Madam should the
situation truly warrant),

Lauds and much applause for
your delicious thoughts. Not
just for what you said but
for what I consider truly
good humor.

sincerely,

Rev. P. Gallardo

Dear Rev.:

Hath thou not heard that God
is dead? You're on the dole,
chap. Lucky for you this news
comes in such a ripping good
economy, old bean.

Respectfully,

Mr. M

Sucksters,

Enjoyable and funny article.
Two quibbles though. I was very
disappointed that the
statement "boring, flatulent
novelist Henry James" did not
included a link justifying
such adjectives. Not being an
English major, I don't know if
Henry James' digestive
problems are common knowledge
(hell ... I don't even know
who Henry James is) among
people who actually read or
if this is just a case of
Suck psychicness. Second
quibble. No matter how
illogically reverent we are
of the Brits, we pale in
comparison to the Canadians.
It took Madonna quite a while
to acquire that
pseudo-English accent, whereas
most Canadians seem to adopt
it after a mere one-year
study abroad program. Not
to mention the half (third,
quarter, whatever) of the
world that still puts the
fucking queen on their stamps
and cash to indicate their
proud membership in the
Commonwealth. All things
considered, I think we are
holding our own.

Bradley Messmer

Dear M'sieur Messmer,

The first draft of Portrait
of a Lady as well as all
Henry James' other writing
explicitly deals with
flatulence. You can look it
up. In general, though, it's
a standard journalistic rule
of thumb that if two of any
three modifying adjectives
are plausible, then the third
one gets to ride for free.

Please hold your own if you
must. The founder of the
institution to which your
domain alludes (Rockefeller
University) was a bald,
cold-hearted, bastard
billionaire who did much good
by doing well. At any rate,
he never spoke with a British
accent, preferring instead to
mimic the voice of Grandad,
who preferred the flat
inflections of the industrial
Midwest.

Mistur Emmm

Dear Sucksters,

I happen to live in
Congressman/Football Guy
Steve Largent's district here
in Tulsa, Oklahoma. While not
an ardent supporter of him, I
must come to his defense
regarding his ignorance of
what GOP stands for. It was
not at or after his
inauguration that he inquired
that, as your commentary
states, but at his first
fund-raiser. It is a somewhat
picky point, but I didn't
want our "superstar" looking
more one dimensional than he
does.

I very much enjoy your
insightful and pointed
observations. Keep up the
great work.

Bob Parker
Tulsa, OK

From the transcript of
Largent's address:

"In fact, it wasn't until
after I was elected that I
attended a Republican
function where a banner hung
that read, 'GOP.' I had to
ask what those letters stood
for. They said, 'Grand Old
Party,' of course."

So he was, in fact, elected
before he knew what GOP stood
for. And he seems to be proud
of that fact.

Even if your correction was
right, it would be like
having the doctor who's about
to remove a tumor from your
throat tell you a funny story
about how he didn't know what
an "esophagus" was until
right after he'd done his
first operation. You're not
going to feel much better if
he then says "Well, actually,
it was right before my first
operation!"

This country has more than
enough self-styled bumpkins
who try to make a virtue of
the fact that they don't know
anything about our political
system. I have no doubt that
we could get away with having
Koko the Signing Primate in
charge of the country, but
that doesn't mean we should
be bragging about it.

Bartel

Sucksters,

It is with much chagrin that
[I] read your reference to
the G-chip in the context of
governmental broadcasts. As
any dedicated channel surfer
will tell you, the real G-chip
blocks that most insidious of
TV fodder - GOLF. As one who
has had to have the trailer
floor reinforced I can tell
you that the GOLF Channel is
evil and needs to be shut
down. My handicap has
skyrocketed, and I still feel
as if I am part of the game.
HELP!

Yours Truly,

The Big Duffer

Dear Mr. Duffer,

The proposed G-chip will help
concerned parents prevent
their children from being
exposed to all references to
God, Golf, and Government.
We're still working on a
model that filters out
instantiations of Buck Rogers
in the 25th Century star Gil
Gerard.

Bartel

Subject: Deep lovin' thoughts

Suck,

Your love is like a butt-cam
on crack focused mostly on
Matt Drudge. Too bad he isn't
Canadian - that would be
"win-win," eh?

Meg Goldman
CNN Interactive

You know, Meg, I remember
when the Gulf War was on, CNN
never missed a chance to note
that "We do know that Saddam
watches CNN." And I always
thought, "Why would an
important guy like Saddam be
bothering with CNN?" You've
made me understand.

Bartel

Dear Sucksters,

In regard to their obviously
staged rebuttal, did the
"party of Lincoln and Reagan"
have a choice? One of the
unfortunate effects of having
government for and by the
people is that Washington
must necessarily be on guard
to at least appear as stupid
and God-fearing as the polis.

And that, as the millennium
draws to a close, is very
stupid and very God-fearing.

Clinton's handlers proved
they have a perfect
understanding of the
situation. Who but the most
dastardly and educated among
us could refuse to stand and
applaud a wounded veteran,
the underdog baseball hero,
AmericaCorps volunteers, and
Rosa Parks? By the same
token, who could not applaud
Clinton for lauding these
"exemplary" Americans?

The harder the voters clap,
the less they have to think.
As the camera pans from one
heroic face to another, a
single word resonates in 250
million bulk-food Fed brains:
"good." When the camera
focuses back on Clinton, the
word cannot help but continue
to echo.

Faced with this sort of
emotional pandering, the
Republicans were forced to
show in short order that,
they too, are stupid and
God-fearing.

First Dunn, the gardener
(read "earth mother") and
defender of the weak against
the IRS (read "tax-and-spend
Democrats), then Largent, the
BMOC who turns out to be as
simple-minded as the rest of
us, reminding us of his
unwavering faith in God. The
God, no doubt - not one of
those Indian gods with the
arms or an elephant head.
This was less a rebuttal than
a gut reaction.

Bravo, GOP, bravo. A lowest
common denominator has been
found and you have willingly
sunk to it.

Michael Clausen

There's never been a country
where more people are
convinced that all the other
people are idiots. Even the
dumbest guy in America is
willing to go on at length
about what morons the
American people are. Normally
I'd say your letter is just
more of that priggish
elitism, but in fact it's
been a while since anybody
suggested Americans as a
whole deserve to be punished,
so you have the advantage of
novelty.

I'm not implying that you are
the dumbest guy in America
or anywhere near it.

Bartel