for 3 March 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Surely you don't really
believe Belushi and Chase
were never really funny.
Chase stopped being funny a
long, long time ago, but
hell, even Fletch Lives had a
few laughs in it. I noticed
Bill Murray was conspicuously
absent from your skewer. Does
this mean Mr. Murray passes
the Sucksters' "What have you
done for me lately?" litmus
test, or are you just busy
preparing an entire daily
devoted to that stink bomb of
a movie he did with that
elephant?

As for the homeless shelter
in which Garrett Morris is
currently residing, it's the
WB, the network that has the
balls to simultaneously thumb
its nose at the baby-boomer
demographic and any
aspirations to quality
programming. Mr. Morris
co-stars on The Jamie Foxx
Show on the WB's It's a Black
Thing, Your Advertisers
Wouldn't Understand lineup.
While this is a sad
commentary on Mr. Morris'
career, such as it is or ever
was, it may be infinitely
preferable to what's
happening to Mssrs. Chase and
Aykroyd. They have had a much
larger audience for their
decomposition, without the
benefit of Sarah Michelle
Gellar's exquisite cleavage
as a lead-in.

Yours in a peaceful blue
glow,

Ty Webb

Belushi funny? Well, sure, he
died funny, but say
"cheeseburger, cheeseburger,
cheeseburger," enough times
fast, and I think you'll come
around to my side of the
mountain. Alas, in this
postdrug world, there isn't
enough pot in Thailand to
make Chevy Chase funny
(though his late-night show
was a LAFF RIOT). As I
pointed out in my piece,
glowing Ty, Murray was not an
original cast member; true to
form, he's still actually
funny on occasion, even when
stepping in it big time (that
elephant flick, anyone?). Glad
to hear Garrett M. has found
shelter on the WB; no doubt
it was getting cold on that
grate.

Mr. M

Lighten up, chum.

George Carlin's latest
stand-up show was as funny
and subversive as ever. No
sign of senility, and he beat
you to the punch on making
fun of his long-distance ads.

Richard Pryor was funny way
past 1980.

And I think you crossed the
line with Chevy Chase. That
was downright vicious. Plus,
you never even mentioned
Fletch.

You can have all the others,
except Steve Martin. Go read
Pure Drivel. And his New
Yorker stuff is great.

You tried too hard to prove
your point, and you reamed a
lot of folks who don't
deserve it.

Matthew Harding
<madkingludwig@mediaone.net>

Dear Mad King,

There's no accounting for
taste, as your namesake amply
proved. Let the dead bury the
dead. Carlin is indeed as
subversive as he's ever been.
Maybe more so: He really used
to lay into old Sir Topham
Hat - fascist landlord
bastard! - on Shining Time
Station. Hell, he even
dressed like Lenin, right
down to the li'l' cap. Just
wait until Thomas and his
comrades realize they're
being exploited.

Did I forget to mention
Fletch? An oversight: Fletch
sucked, too. Give me Chevy
and Benji (Oh, Heavenly Dog!)
or Chevy and the midgets
(Under the Rainbow) or Chevy
and Dan (Spies Like Us) -
movies, like old Sucks, that
just get better with time.

Mr. M

Filler: Hate Mail!

Dear Polly,

um, what's a refrigerator
monkey?

it sounds like a good insult,
but I'd like to know what I'm
calling people.

thanks.

Andrew Horwitz
<andy_horwitz@margeotes.com>

I don't know what a
refrigerator monkey is. My
friend Steve called some of
his friends refrigerator
monkeys, and it sounded like
a good insult, so I repeated
it. I asked him what it
meant, and he said, "I don't
know, but it sounds good,
doesn't it?"

We're just so zany, aren't
we?

Polly

A better line than "I didn't
know you were into
needlepoint" is "I've smoked
joints fatter than that."

From one bitter chick to
another, your columns make me
laugh until I cry.

maribeth burkley
<mburkley@cisco.com>

Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yesyesyes.

Screaming "Mommy,"

Polly

I love it when Suck features
you in cartoon form, but this
time around there were no
shots of you smoking a crack
pipe. What's up with that?
What determines whether or
not your cartoon image should
be hitting the pipe? Also,
who came up with the idea,
you or Terry Colon?

Jake Denley
<denley@nortelnetworks.com>

I determine the dosage. It
was my idea. You'll note,
though, that Terry needs a
little instruction on what a
crack pipe actually looks
like.

Polly

Usually I turn to Suck for
that amusing bit of empty
cynical fluff that drifts
upon breezes over the heads
of my family and co-workers.
It isn't positive or negative
so much as incisive, witty,
and true. I was really
disappointed when I got to
the end of the endless
bashing to find that the
article was less witty than
true and only half true at
that. (Does that not make it
"Halfwitty?") As far as
incisions go, I charge this
as malpractice or teenage
knife fight. And for all the
loftiness of the ethereal
comedy... the article suffered
from a lack of punch line.
One might argue it wasn't
comedy, though I suggest it
was indeed a joke.

Complaining about George
Carlin barking out 10-10-220
seems pretty fucking whiny to
me. (I wonder what Seinfeld
thinks about it.) If this era
of comedy passing makes you
shudder, I suggest you need
a) thicker skin, b) a way to
turn off your television so
as to avoid syndicated
programs, or c) a soul (or at
least some way of relating to
human beings). Oh, and don't
go near a bloody Blockbuster
- I hear they're chock full
o' lameness-you-never-heard-of.

Timing is everything. Ol'
Cheech 'n' Chong, George,
Steve, etc., were funny at a
time. Fortunately, I had the
wit to avoid pathetic
pandering during any of these
comedian's waning days, and I
respect the work they did at
the moment it was amusing,
whatever my state of mind or
maturity.

While on the topic of timing,
it would be nice to
contemplate the perishability
of the article itself, which
will be forgotten long before
the last of the toothless
comedians calls the final
curtain, and will remain
exactly as unfunny as the day
it was written.

Roxanne, Baron von
Munchausen, The search for
signs of intelligent life ...

Bah! Mean people suck.

Varion
<mauritwd@email.uc.edu>

Like it gets any emptier,
more cynical, or fluffier
than this? Roxanne, BVM,
SFSOIL? Hey, in California,
that's three strikes and
you're out. Lockup time at
Pelican Bay, where the Cyrano
nose should keep 'em larfin'
bloody well, guv'nor. Last
time I checked, BTW, Jerry
Seinfeld - whose stand-up
shtick has all the punch of
Gerry Cooney - wasn't
claiming to speak
truth to power à la
Comrade Carlin.

If mean people bring you
down, take an ambulance to
see Patch Adams - the
feel-good hit of the year.
And don't be surprised if
that happy clown doesn't
deliver a little boy called
Oscar! Five Stars!

Mr. M

I read Suck every day and
like most of it, but that was
the funniest fucking
column (16 February) I
have read in ages.
Keep up the great work.

<FreakEBear@aol.com>

Mega-Shazbats to you, you
fucking idiot.

Mr. M

Dying is easy. Comedy is
hard.

<askornheiser@prodigy.net>

Weren't those Lenny Bruce's
last words, just before he
died on the crapper? I still
can't forgive that lovable
old junkie for that Bob Dylan
song on Shot of Love.

Mr. M

Subject: Engage Brain Before
You Put Your Mouth into Gear.

Saying something don't mean
you got something to say.

Lionel Cartwright
<lionel@sympac.com.au>

Case in point.