for 21 April 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Subject: Uppity Belgian
Motherfuckers!

Yeah. Fuck them Belgians.

Doesn't Lufthansa remind you
a little too much of the word
Luftwatte? Come to think of
it, I would probably be very
willing to fly Luftwatte
Airways.

Poorimole

That may be because "Luft"
means "air" in German. Also,
it's "-waffe," not "-watte."

Another dumb question
answered.

Yr pal,

Bartel

Subject: Johnny Hart

As a Christian, I agree with
everything Johnny Hart says
in his comic strip.
Unfortunately, he seems to
have forgotten the key
element of a good strip:
humor. You know, that thing
we all scan the funnies for
every Sunday. While I respect
his courage in taking a stand
in full color against
mainstream America, I still
think his strip is among the
most unfunny I've seen, and
frankly, it just plain sucks.

Kris Hunt

The most unfunny strip
compared to what? Beetle
Bailey? Fred Bassett? Mutts?
The Family Circus?

Compared to most of what's on
the comics page, B.C. is as
funny as 10 Def Comedy Jams.

Yr pal,

Bartel

AN OPEN LETTER TO UPTIGHT
ASSHOLES!

I am an agnostic. I do not
believe, as I was raised to,
that Jesus of Nazareth was
the literal progeny of a
human-form Supreme Being.
Still, I respect Mr. Hart's
decision to continue voicing
his beliefs in his chosen
medium. Why? Because he
doesn't give a shit about
whether you like it or not.
He doesn't care if every
paper in America bends to the
pressures of a vocal minority
and drops his strip. And I
like that. His messages
aren't being beamed into my
skull against my will, for
crissake!

Each day when I pick up the
paper or turn on the
television, I exercise a
choice as to whether or not
I'm going to subject myself
to a myriad of differing
beliefs. I simply choose not
to. When I see "In God We
Trust" on our currency, or
when I recite the pledge of
allegiance, I am unwillingly
subjected to the monotheistic
paradigm. I choose not to
worry about it. Others
believe in all that; I don't.
I want them to respect my
beliefs, therefore I must
offer respect to theirs.

Does this mean I agree with
Mr. Hart's views? Of course
not! Didn't you read the
first paragraph, fool? He is
a self-described literalist,
which means he refuses to
acknowledge the many truths
the Earth has provided us,
and in my opinion it makes him a
blabbering idiot! Hmm...maybe
that's why I don't rifle
straight to the comics
section every day in a quest
to obtain religious insight
from the Wizard of Id. Maybe
you should stop doing so as
well!

So I must ask: How many times
do we have to go over this,
people? If you don't like
what someone writes, DON'T
FUCKING READ IT. Even better,
don't buy the paper if that
gives you some semblance of
satisfaction in your
miserable, pathetic life.

Why do you continue to
begrudge those who obviously
seek to do good, to send a
message of hope and love? So
it's not a message you agree
with - so what? At the risk
of sounding like Sally
Struthers, there are people
starving to death, killing
each other both here and
abroad. Why concern
yourselves with Johnny Hart's
religious views?

If you really want to protest
his comic, I'll give you a
good reason: IT'S NOT
GODDAMNED FUNNY! It hasn't
been funny in over three
decades! Comics are meant to
provide an outlet for
laughter. I haven't finished
a B.C. strip with anything
other than stony-faced
solemnity since I was eight.
Write your congressman about
that!

Assholes.

Steve Kling

Steve,

1. Watch you language.

2. You're sticking up for Mr.
Hart's right to free speech
even though you, like, don't
agree with his beliefs and
all? You are truly a great
American. God, I admire you!

3. What is the deal with all
these people claiming B.C.
isn't funny? B.C. is
probably one of the more
consistently funny strips on
the comics page. You may think
nobody will argue with your
flat and unsupported assertions,
but they won't pass here, buddy!

4. Isn't Steve Kling one of
the aliases Tim McVeigh used
for his fertilizer purchases?
I'm pretty sure it was.

Yr pal,

Bartel

Stained-glass Windows

I'm interested in your
comment about Salinger's
unwillingness or inability to
put the poetry he describes
on the page in his novel.
Might it be possible he's
observing a literary
convention, much like the
dramatic convention of not
showing a painting,
especially when it's
important to the play,
because showing it would open
the thing itself up to the
judgment of the audience,
when they're really supposed
to be interested in the
characters' reactions to it?
Might it also be possible
he's at least humble enough
as a writer to realize poetry
isn't his strong suit and
hence he doesn't pretend he's
actually written the best
fucking poetry in the world?
Just a thought.

Tim

Sigh.

Yes, those are entirely fair
and reasonable interpretations.
Not that I agree or anything -
I am unfailingly correct,
like a machine with
no defects - but you may
have one there. Please

explain the meaning of
your email identity. "Hello,
vicar!" sounds like one of
those things men use to name
their penis.

Ambrose Beers

Being snide and humanist at
the same time is a rare
accomplishment. If only I'd
had this essay when my
sophomore English teacher
made us do a group project on
Nine Stories.

Thank you.

Elizabeth Childs

I actually lifted it straight
off one of those Web sites
that sell term papers. All it
would have taken you was 20
bucks and an ISP account.

And, anyway, it sounds like
your sophomore English class
was run like a group therapy
encounter at the Esalen
Institute. I'm sure whatever
you handed in was just fine.

Making up the humanism but
being entirely genuine about
the snideness,

Ambrose Beers

What is your beef, Beers? Who
cares if Salinger's a jerk?
So you think he's probably a
bad poet because he doesn't
stick his characters' poetry
in his fiction. Who cares?
Did Salinger ever call you up
and say, "I'm a great poet,
but I'm not going to publish
any poetry, because I don't
need to prove anything to
you?"

Why not? You must have liked
it, I assume. You went after
every other thing the public
knows about him with a
vengeance. I'm sure you think
it's fun to walk all over
Salinger purely because he
avoids public attention
(typical Suck childishness,
and typically a bunch of
fun), and I usually love your
columns, but you must have
been starved for material, or
stoned, or both, when you
wrote this. And, last, if
you're going to trash an
author and his writing both,
you should get an editor
before you publish: "He had
what my brother Walt used to
call his Eureka look, and he
wanted to tell me that he
finally thought he knew why
Christ had said to call no
man fool." (Because no man
wouldn't roll over and go
back to sleep if their
brothers woke them up for
that?) This little chunk of
your criticism, conveniently
placed after a Salinger
quote, slaps your whole
column and its clumsy
attitude right in the face.

Who cares if his characters
have personality problems
that might mirror his own? He
just wrote a fucking story.
It was a good story too. I
noticed you didn't try to
stomp on Catcher in the Rye.

David Haner

Salinger called, but only to
tell me about the connection
between Jesus and Krishna.
And to pitch me on the value
of a macrobiotic diet. But he
hung up when he realized I
wasn't a hot 18-year-old girl
with a naive hero fixation
and a limber body.

There's a graf on Catcher.
But the whole thing was about
the possibility, suggested by
(I'm putting this in quotes)
"Salinger scholars," that the
man has been working his
heart out writing Glass
family stories. Be pretty odd
to discuss Catcher at length
in a piece discussing
Salinger's work on something
else altogether, yes?

Ambrose Beers

I just wanted to drop a note
to tell you how much I look
forward to Filler every week.
Your prose, along with
Terry's artwork, is a joy to
behold each Wednesday.

Sometimes your column has an
odd effect on my co-worker
Andrea. After reading
today's Filler, she
was determined to have the
phrases, "Kick his ass Marcy!
Sock the little motherfucker
in the stomach! Show that
sniveling pussy who's boss!"
printed on a T-shirt, posted
about her cube, and pasted to
her car's bumper. I was able
to calm her down some, and
after she stopped shaking she
settled for printing "Wan da
snake!" in large letters on
her white board.

Let no one say your column is
not provocative!

Looking forward to many more
Wednesday Fillers,

John MacW

It's good to hear I'm
bringing joy to the world
with my sad little words. Not
only that, but I'm driving
your co-worker to the brink
of insanity with my thinly
veiled penis-envy propaganda.

Wan da snake! All together
now! Wan da snake!

Polly

Hmm, I'm a little paranoid
but bear with me. You
wouldn't happened to have
been reading
www.templar.com/doughty
recently, would you? That is
a BBS run by M. Doughty, the
lead singer of the band Soul
Coughing, and a few days ago
I told him to go read the
Urban Hipsters column and I
mentioned how much I love
Suck. And then today, bottom
of the first page of Filler,
I read, "soul coughing up
blood." I understand I might
just be paranoid, but I don't
like coincidences. Anyway,
I had to say this: You rock.

Kathleen Juliet

It was all just a crazy
coincidence. I haven't read
that stuff you mentioned. In
fact, I don't know anything
about the band Soul Coughing;
I just like the name. I bet
the lead singer never checked
out Filler, either. But tell
him if he reads my stupid,
pointless comic strip, I'll
listen to his stupid,
pointless band.

Now go take some echinacea
for that paranoia before it
gets out of control.

Polly

Polly,

The "feminine empowerment"
emails going around are so
insulting and inane. You know
the ones I mean - the ones
full of vapid tips on why
it's OK you don't look like a
supermodel, or how being a
woman is just so special.
What I find especially
insulting is that some of
these messages have been sent
around in the name of Women's
History Month, as if the
importance of women's history
can be summed up by focusing
on women's obsession with why
they don't look like
supermodels.

To combat this appalling
dumbing down of "what it
means to be a woman," I've
made my own list of "gender
issue" emails I'd like to see
show up in my inbox:

1. Math, computers,
assertiveness, and 50 other
things that will cause
loneliness and breast cancer.

2. Everyone likes drunk girls
better.

3. Learning to shut the fuck up.

4. Uppity women don't get laid.

5. Your views on world politics,
PMS, and the Goddess: The
big list of things no one
wants to hear you talk about.

6. The truth about your fat ass.

Doing my part to spread love
and empowerment,

Stephanie

Is that a list of things
you'd like to say to overly
PC women? Because I consider
myself a pretty strident
feminist, but if someone says
another thing to me about
objectification, I might just
use my fists instead of words
to set them straight. Is
there anything more reductive
than that word,
objectification? I applaud
all the feminists who made
the world friendlier for
aggressive bitches like me,
but in 1999 aren't we tired
of splitting hairs about the
realities of being socialized
in a world where Pamela
Anderson Lee is a superstar?
Let the academics and the
radicals fight for real
change. The rest of us should
just relax and be human
beings.

Join the cause. Whenever you
see Jennifer Love Hewitt,
yell, "Tits! Yow!"

Objectifying piss boys for
over 10 years,

Polly

Hit & Run

I didn't quite follow the
point of today's rant but
thanks for some interesting
links. I had no idea there
actually was an atheist
organization. Doesn't that
seem a little silly? A friend
of mine, upon hearing I was
an atheist, once told me I
should hang out with her
husband because he too was an
atheist. I thought at the
time, "What are we supposed
to do, sit around on Sunday
and not pray together?" Isn't
rejecting the need for solace
in mass ceremony part of the
process of becoming and
persisting as an atheist?
It's not like you see all the
kids who have figured out
Santa doesn't exist hanging
out at the mall telling each
other what they want for
Christmas. I suspect this
organization is like that. On
the other hand, having some
official atheist holidays
would probably boost the
popularity of nonbelief. How
about Big Bang Day or First
RNA Enzyme Day or maybe
Darwin's Birthday? One of the
most enticing aspects of
religion is the time off from
work. This doesn't really
have much to do with your
column, so I guess you'll
probably not post it and I've
just wasted 10 minutes of my
life. Oh yeah, B.C. sucks as
a comic strip foremost and as
Christian propaganda second.

Bradley Messmer

Rejecting mass ceremony may
make you a Quaker, but it
takes a little more than that
to be an atheist.

And what's with all the
complaints about B.C.?
Looking over back issues of
B.C. for this week's piece, I
found some pretty funny ones.

Yr pal,

Bartel

The Shit

Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999 The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999 Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998 Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999 Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited) Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994 Motorhead, CD remasters, all Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998 Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998 V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999 The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998 Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999 Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art