for 28 April 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Subject: Re: MP3 - enuf
already

Get the hell over it! It was
two little articles dealing
with a medium that's still in
the womb and probably won't
see any more public
acceptance than the Amiga or
Burple did. Quit stroking
yourself by continuing the
argument and get back to
putting up biting sarcastic
responses to the half-wits
who send you bitchy little
emails.

<Keith_O'Toole@praxair.com>

The general rules for
answering Suck mail go like
this:

If the person takes the time
to make a point, take the
time to respond to the point.

If the person writes something
bitingly sarcastic, respond
with biting sarcasm.

If the person writes something
generic and stupid that we've
heard a million times before,
a simple Fuck You will
suffice.

You know which one you get,
right?

Huck

Filler

Subject: Disturbing trend

Polly,

While I love your work and can
certainly identify with
cynicism, bitterness, and
humor at the expense of
others, if not your self-
destructive man hating, I
have been disturbed by your
two - not one, but two -
loving references in recent
weeks to the University of
New Jersey at Durham - I
mean, Duke University. I'm
trying like hell to give you
the benefit of the doubt.
Perhaps the affinity for an
institution of such snobbery
and nouveau riche pretensions
comes natural to a cartoon
character brimming with
cultural and personal venom.
Maybe you simply pulled Duke
from your cartoon ass because
it hasn't been in the news of
late with the near success
of its basketball team. I
hope one of these is the case
and that you are not a
genuine fan of Duke or, I
choke on the word, an
alumnus. (Does Duke even
accept cartoon characters?
Its admissions department
must have liked that
sweater.) Even if this is
true, I will do my best to
swallow my populist pride and
my vitriol for all things
smarmy and elitist and remain
your loyal reader. But I'll
be very disappointed in you,
young lady.

Ty Webb
<gullah71@hotmail.com>

So much hatred in you. I grew
up in Durham, and Duke was
free because my dad taught
there. As a townie, the
snobbery and nouveau riche
pretensions were lost on me -
I honestly thought most of
the kids were just weird.
After graduating, I figured
it all out and retroactively
hated them for their
snottiness and their money.
Then I grew up.

Why don't you try doing the
same?

Duke basketball kicks ass, so
stick your head in doo-doo,
already.

Polly

I stopped being as in love
with you when I found out you
were a rabid sports fan.

Thomas E. Williams
<Thomasw@mindless.com>

Are you a rabid hater of
sports for any good reason,
like say the entire football
team sodomized you in junior
high school? Or are you a
little forest animal whose
woodland home got plowed over
to make room for a new
coliseum?

I stopped being as in love
with you when I found out you
were a rabbit.

Rabidly,

Polly

You forgot the Simpsons Tax.
It's kinda like the Seinfeld
Tax but applied each time you
have to sit next to some
sorry fuck whose every other
word is "D'oh!" or "Excellent
Smithers!"

Matt Mizenko
<matt@brandscape.com>

I just wish Homer would stop
acting out of character. It's
annoying.

Although, imitating Ottoman
will always be irresistable.

Instead of Futurama, Matt
Groening should've just made
a show called The Adventures
of Ottoman and Apu.

Polly

Polly: the little bitch from
the Deep South

Carolina became part of the
"Deep" South?

Not that my opinion counts for
anything - I too hail from
the Land of Jesse, but unlike
you I wasn't smart enough to
escape.

PS Are you currently taking
applications for stalkers?

A fan,

Brent Edwards
<brente@vnet.net>

It doesn't take brains to
escape, Brent, just brawn.
And sexual favors.

Just kidding. Stalker
applications are currently
being accepted. Small forest
animals of any type need not
apply. Polly is an equal
opportunity false god.

Fe Fi Faux Fum,

Polly

If you are looking to waste
time reading emails, you can
continue reading.

I covered the Consumer
Electronics Show for Las
Vegas magazine (no, it's not
free - it's sold all over the
West Coast).

I thought I should sit in on
some of the "conferences" as
part of my duties. I went to
one called "Lazy Interactive
TV" just because the title
was so interesting (I'd never
been to CES before, and the
desperate dealers trying to
find ways to sell their
products are all worried
about this "new medium"
called the Internet).

Anyway, this guy from
Forrester said the following:

"You see, when people watch
TV you might think they are
being lazy. But they aren't.
They are constantly making
decisions with their remote
control; they are
participating. Now what would
happen if we gave them the
option to interact while
purchasing things?

"For instance, what if during
a car commercial they could
click on a button in the
lower corner to see a longer
commercial, one that would
give them a lot more info on
the cars. Because when you
aren't looking for a car,
these commercials mean very
little to you. But what if
you want to buy a car? Then
you are absolutely transfixed
by these commercials." And
then he went into how you
could even buy things by
using your remote.

When this "visionary" began
to take questions, I asked,
"Isn't this basically what
the Internet is? You can go
online and get, say, the
prices of cars any time you
want." He looked kinda pissed
and had no answer, but it was
amusing to see these
"guardians of the established
media" try to come up with
new ways to compete. There is
so much fear. I guess you had
to be there.

<info@delori.com>

Still, there would be some
differences between
interactive TV and the Web -
e.g., broadband media, no
waiting for the TV to boot up
or connect, a remote instead
of a keyboard. All little
things, but they add up and
make TV-surfing far more
appealing to a certain
segment of the market than
Web-surfing will ever be.
Remember, these are the
self-identified "lazy
interactives."

Best,

Huck

Subject: Why do you have
links to sites that suck?

Dear Huck,

While I enjoyed reading your
"Worm's-eye View," I
couldn't help but wonder why
you have links to all of
those Web cam sites that
suck. Of course, voyeur that
I am, I had to check them
out.

"lisa!"
<mslisa@io.com>

Three years ago, it seemed
like a brilliant idea. Now
it's a burdensome tradition.

Also, I noticed you have
adopted the naming convention
of various high-tech entities
for your own self-identification
needs and call yourself
"lisa!" How is this
working for you? I ask
because, coincidentally, I
have been thinking of
rebranding myself "Jeffrey!"
even though my name isn't
Jeffrey and I'm not
particularly enthusiastic - I
just think it makes a catchy
byline. Based on your
experiences, do you think I
should do it?

Huck

Huckster,

Thank you for the best single
reference yet. I love that
show. It's giving me the
dream to ditch this social
work stuff and pawn knives on
home shopping, or possibly at
a flea market. Ya gotta start

Eric Meisberger
<xericx@telerama.com>

I don't know - going
professional might take the
joy out of knife collecting,
don't you think? I myself am
going to keep my amateur
status for the time being.
But I guess there are only so
many moderately expensive
knives you can order before
you have to start selling
them back, so who knows? You
might see me at the flea
market pretty soon too.

Huck

Dear Sainted One,

Alas, I think you're behind
the curve on this one. It was
already suggested a couple
years ago that these Web cams
represent the ultimate
security cameras. Stick them
everywhere (well, everywhere
reasonably public) and let
everyone watch them.
Presumably someone will be
watching everywhere sometime,
out of boredom or just to
rest his eyes (as you
suggest, they make fine
screen savers), and you get
the protection of 24-hour
surveillance without Big
Brother watching you. Whether
Big Brother is better or
worse than your bratty
Younger Sister is left as an
exercise for the reader.

Alan Kornheiser
<Askornheiser@prodigy.net>

But that's just another
utilitarian purpose.
Obviously, plenty has been
written about Web cams
already, and I myself wrote
about the potential for
surveillance as entertainment
in one of the first pieces I
ever did for Suck (a
premature eulogy for
America's Most Wanted), back
in the days when Fox's
Busted! specials were still a
gleam in some enterprising
producer's eye.

What I wanted to address in
this piece was the failure of
the Web cam as entertainment
medium, especially given the
amount of coverage
the media has given
entertainment-oriented Web cams
that don't seem to really have much
of a following. That's something I
haven't seen anyone else
write about, so as far as I'm
concerned my place at the
apogee of the curve still
stands.

Best,

Huck

Subject: Jennicam mention in
your story

How would you like it if I
blasted you on my Web site
ILuvJenni? You'd probably be
pissed off. Anyway, you are
totally off base on your
highlights within the story
and really should be more
responsible when it comes to
posting facts. I'm not here
to debate with you, don't
even want to acknowledge you,
just wanted to say you are a
scumbag. Have a nice day,
jerks.

<iluvjenni@excite.com>

For the record, we would feel
much more comfortable with
you blasting us on your Web
site than were you to, say,
create an alarmingly devoted,
poorly designed tribute site
to us.

Best,

The Jerks

The Shit

Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999 The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999 Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998 Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999 Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited) Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994 Motorhead, CD remasters, all Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998 Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998 V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999 The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998 Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999 Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art