for 30 April 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Subject: Outside the Web link
circle?

"Outside the Actors Studio" was
the funniest parody you guys
have spooned up in a long
time. Thanks for the
brilliant regurgitation. But
I have to admit, I'm a little
perturbed you didn't want to
link to Bravo's TV site. You
were happy to slam Bravo's
baby, the Independent Film
Channel, when you mercilessly
invented the Macromedia Suck
Awards to screw the
Independent Spirit Awards.
But damn it, we were glad you
pointed your readers to the
site from Hit and Run
No. CLXIV.

I must ask you, has Bravo
really sunk so low as to not
even merit a crappy Web link?
What gives?

C. K. McCabe
<tie@metalab.unc.edu>

Sorry, that's not my table.
But thanks for the kind
words.

Go Tarheels!

James

Subject: Outside the Actors
Studio

Doesn't James Lipton have a
beard? Is the guy in the
drawings supposed to be one
of the two Mr. Wilsons from
the Dennis the Menace
television show?

Yours,

Tyler Dickson
<kson@math.vt.edu>

Did you know there's a
computer virus going around
that erases all facial hair
from Web-based images of men
with beards? Better call
those tech boys.

Cleanshaven and loving it,

James

Subject: My son, the writer

Another masterpiece!

Love,

Mom

Thanks, Mom. Sorry about the
curse words.

Still waiting for my birthday
present,

James

Subject: Shannon Tweed,
Ernest, and that damn dog

Dear Mr. Bong,

It does in fact seem that the
Actors Studio is running out
of, well, actors to talk to.
Some of the talentless actors whom
you used to demonstrate the
downward spiral of the show
really hit home. While I would
very much enjoy an opportunity
to kick the Coreys in the nads
and hit Jim Varney with a large
sofa, while feeding that damn
Taco Bell dog to some rabid
squirrels, your attack on
Shannon Tweed is completely
uncalled for.

For almost any teenage
suburban boy who was scared
by the prospect of real porn,
Shannon Tweed movies were the
only game in town. Any guy
worth his masturbatory salt
has at least seen Night
Eyes, if not the entire
trilogy. Tweed's were
probably the best, if not the
first, set of tits guys could
really admire over and over
and over again. It's because
of these great movies that
guys don't completely lose
their minds the first time
they get a girl to take her
clothes off. We all know
Tweed can't act for shit, but
during that awkward stage of
life we didn't give a rat's
ass. We just wanted to see
some woman with great cans
have hot, passionate,
utterly awful fake movie
sex. And for that we are
truly grateful.

Bryan Wall
<janis.wall@sympatico.ca>

Unfortunately, my father
refused to allow cable in the
house, so she was not there
for me when I needed her.
Hence my anger, my frothy
bitterness toward her.

I will not take issue with
your lovely, heartfelt homage
to Ms. Tweed, and if there is
any justice in this world she
will read your kind words,
find you, and make sweet love
to you in the manner of the
Kama Sutra, pages 34 to 51.

Good luck,

James

I've read your statement over
a couple of times. Very
interesting. Thank you for
your insights. I love this
country and fought in Desert
Storm. I support our troops
100 percent, and hope you
feel the same.

Scott Craft USN
<stcraft@iquest.net>

You know, to this day I can't
understand how anybody can
say Desert Storm with a
straight face.

Bartel

Outside The Actor's Studio

Subject: Peter Scolari

I once had a surprisingly
touching run-in with Peter
Scolari where he outlined the
three or four series concepts
he was working on with his
partner and talked about
being in the shadow of the
apparently genuinely nice Tom
Hanks. He said Hanks promises
him roles in every film Hanks
ever produces. He was, in fact,
in That Thing You Do! Scolari
was, IMHO, much better in
Bosom Buddies than Hanks.
Scolari's Hildegard was more
fleshed out and complicated
while Hanks went for the
wacky Steve Martin/Robin
Williams style of comedy. I
was very surprised two or
three years later when Hanks
became the movie star and
Scolari played the positively
wooden character on Newhart.
Personally, I thought Hanks
did some of his best while
hosting Saturday Night Live.
It was an odd beginning for an guy
who ended up being the
everyman actor of the 1990s.

Don Smith
<dsmith@qrc.com>

Dear Don,

Ah, the age-old conundrum of
the career trajectories of
Hanks and Scolari, the Jack
Lemmon and Tony Curtis of the
1980s TV version of Some Like
It Hot.

Not only did Hanks fulfill his
promise to Scolari by putting
him in That Thing You Do!, he
also got his more talented,
less fortunate former
colleague work in his
miniseries From the Earth to
the Moon. Yay, Tom!

Still, one wonders if Hanks is
really doing all he can to
help. Could he have pulled
some strings to get him roles
in Philadelphia or Apollo 13,
for instance? Apparently not,
as Scolari's schedule during
the production of those two
megaprojects was filled with
work on Ticks (aka Infested)
and the TV series Dweebs.

Poor Peter. Always having to
fend off the attention of the
fat annoying girl while Hanks
gets to schtup Donna Dixon,
metaphorically speaking, that
is.

Best,

James

Subject: Sucky suck-suck daily

Dear Sucksters,

Pans for your most recent
exposé of Inside the
Actors Studio. I hope you
don't decide to keep this
format of linking pages of
cartoons (none too funny
ones, I might add; who wrote
them, Bob Saget during his
sabbatical from America's
Funniest Home Videos?) in
place of scrolling down one
page with your erstwhile,
well-written, and at times
tongue-lashingly enjoyable
text. If you do, cancel my
million-dollar contributions
to your sponsors, which I'll
be sure to attribute to your
dearth of origionality.
(Threatening to avoid
sponsors always gets
management in a tizzy.)

Once a suckster but not
always,

Sens O'Melia
<jelfer@idt.net>

Dear "Sens,"

This "new" format has been
around for years. And
regarding our "dearth of
origionality" might I
commend you on the invention
of your interesting new word?

Also: Full House and home
videos aside, Saget is
actually funny.

Love and kisses,

James

Just to let you know today's
Suck (16 April) was so bad I
made it through all 10 pages
before any of them could load
more than 25 percent. FUCKING
WASTE OF FUCKING TIME. You
are not worth a pimple on
Ernest's third nipple.

Anonymous
<nobody@replay.com>

My poor sweet Anonymous,

Your email address says it
all.

Trying to discern Trinity
subtext in that thing about
Ernest's third nipple,

James

The Shit

Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999 The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999 Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998 Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999 Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited) Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994 Motorhead, CD remasters, all Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998 Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998 V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999 The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998 Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999 Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art