for 2 June 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

I've read ALL of your Filler.
ALL OF IT. And I'm still
hungry. What should I do with
my life?

Don McCasland
<donm@netscape.com>

Are you sure you read all of
them? There are 150 of them,
you know. Check out the
Filler archive again to make
sure you've read them all.

Once you've done that, then
we'll tell you what to do
with the rest of your life.

But first you've got to show
us you're committed to going
the distance.

Retroactively proactive,

Polly

Subject: You are my
everything.

Dearest Polly,

Your bitter, dismissive
nature is all I want in a
woman. My unhealthy obsession
with you (I'm saving myself
for you, you know) has
rescued me from the painful
ordeal of dating and comforts
me during long, lonely nights
spent sitting alone in the
dark. You enrich my fantasy
life immeasurably with dreams
of being punched in the
stomach frequently and
without warning, being put to
shame and emasculated before
my peers, and having my
life's ambitions and desires
reduced to nothing beneath
the muted glare of your
disinterested contempt.

We've never met, and though
you may not realize it, you
are my guiding light. You are
my everything.

Best of all, I know that this
is forever; this cannot go
wrong. Unlike the other women
in my life, who've turned
sour and pushed me away, the
harder you push, the stronger
my appreciation for all that
you are grows.

Adoringly,

Kenneth

I wonder why all those women
turned sour and pushed you
away. You seem like a
perfectly healthy, confident,
independent kinda guy to me.

Anyway, let me go fetch my
hobnail boots ...

Polly

Finally, the Dalai Lama has
been exposed as the
philanderer we all know he
is. He and his "monks" with
their "benefit concerts!"
It's all about groupies and
backstage atmosphere.

DALAI: Hey, which of you
Beasties copped my blunt?
Cherise and Donna from the
front row wanna get high and
ask me questions about the
universe, and you bungs took
all my herbal inspiration.

BEASTIES: Yo, Dal, chill out.
Might wanna check Wyclef's
room. We gave up all drugs in
our search for inner peace.

DALAI: Yeah, whatever, lying,
toking assholes. C'mon girls,
I think I saw Scott Weiland
wandering around. He'll have
some shit. (Exit backstage
left.)

Ass pants, indeed!

LYLAS, PWR

Dude, you should write a
screenplay. Your dialogue is
so, like, natural! It's way
realistic.

Poll-O

For years I've been yearning
to see the term "ass pants"
used in the media. I guess
this counts. Thanks.

Your pal,

Rump

Suck is the beginning of the
end for your favorite
references. Soon Conan will
be referencing ass pants,
then South Park, and before
you know it, references to
ass pants will be as popular
with the mainstream media as
"raise the roof" or "what's
that all about?" or "check it
out" or "don't try to front"
or anything else you might
have been yearning for once,
decades ago.

Yearn while you can, baby.

Sucksters

Subject: Suck you

Just kidding.

Having Suck delivered every
day is kind of like getting a
fresh, satirical, bitter
pizza each morning, only
slightly more delightful and
free.

In regards to your take on
the Littleton shooting
(disaster, assault,
whatever), I just wanted to
say YOU GO GIRL. Finally I've
found someone else who has
the same idea as I do
about all this crap.
My poor parents
are busy worrying about
whether or not this could
happen in my former high
school rather than actually
trying to do something about
it. The high school
administration, itself a
bunch of do-nothing kings,
has spent its energy
helping teachers cope with
the "horrible tragedy" and
establishing emergency routes
rather than trying to figure
out how to prevent such a
thing from happening there.
It's typical reactionary
thinking, while us Gen-Xers
are the ones bitching about
what needs to be done.

We need more Sucky thinkers
like you in the world!

Paul Pellerito
<pellerip@river.it.gvsu.edu>

... And having a fresh and
bitter pizza delivered each
morning is kind of like being
mistaken for a Gen-Xer and a
woman (er, GIRL) when you
are, in fact, neither.

Hoping nothing like that
happens at your former high
school,

Holly M.

Holly,

In response to your 18 May
column: Regardless of slanted
reports on Cassie Bernall's
sacrifice, nothing can
cheapen the actual event.
Cassie died for God. Seeing
that, it is pretty easy to
see what went wrong in
Klebold and Harris' case,
Littleton, all the other
school shootings, and with
the new crop of
teenagers. Our main
problem isn't violence on TV,
guns, alcohol, drugs,
or sex. The main problem is
that we are experiencing the
second generation of American
children who have grown up
without God. God has been
pushed out of society by
mainstream America. No wonder
you trivialize "American
Martyr Cassie Bernall"; you
don't understand the reasons
behind that martyrdom. As
long as we continue to deny
absolute morality as Christ
taught, America will
continue to loosen and
decline, as we see it today.

In truth,

Nick Leali

PS While I know this letter
won't be posted due to
religious
influence/ignorance, I hope
someone will read it and
understand.

Call me old-fashioned, but I
like to think that even the
Savior's "absolute morality"
would mean respecting the
privacy of the dead rather
than luridly minting them
into totems of Kultur Kombat.
And if God's getting pushed
around so much by the
mainstream, what's preventing
Him from starting His own
indie rock band?

Loose and declining,

Holly M.

Dear Suck:

Thirty-year-olds are now
boomers? Who wrote this, an
eighth-grader?

Neither a boomer nor in the
30 to 49 target killer audience,

Jonathan Miller
<web4@rocketmail.net>

Crime statistics, like
blackjacks, are blunt
instruments, and don't always
map obligingly onto the
coordinates of generational
conflict plotted by
demographers, pollsters, and
trend-mongers. But you'll
note that the figures cited
are from 1996, which means
that even the most
exuberantly youthful
miscreants bringing up the
demographic rear of the crime
wave are now 33, perilously
close to the boomer cusp. For
a more thorough and nuanced
treatment of these matters,
cf. Mike Males' Framing
Youth, from which the numbers
are culled and crudely
condensed.

An eighth-grade drop-out,

Holly M.

The Shit

Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999 The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999 Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998 Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999 Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited) Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994 Motorhead, CD remasters, all Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998 Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998 V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999 The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998 Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999 Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art