for 4 June 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

The site, which referred to
the civilian version of the
vehicle in question, was
correct in calling it a
hummer but incorrect in not
capitalizing the "h" thusly:
Hummer. See:

http://www.hummer.com/

The name HMMWV, commonly
known as a humvee, refers to
the military version only.

BTW, they're not just for
trillionaires (as you
mentioned) ... used ones go
for as little as
US$30,000 to $40,000, and you
can get a really good new one
starting at $70,000.

Cheers,

V.

And they're really convenient
for the paved-street, city
driving their owners
overwhelmingly use them for.

Sucksters

Why don't you get one thing
straight: A hummer is not a
blow job. It's when the
blower places the blowee's
balls in his or her mouth and
hums (or not).

Tom Keekley
<keeks@pollgroup.com>

Woo, you're right! That would
get us straight! Thanks for
the tip, Romeo!

Sucksters

Humvee and Hummer are both
nicknames, so how can one be
more correct? Technically it
is called a HMMWV for High
Mobility, Multi-Wheeled
Vehicle. If you were never in
the military, how could you
know? Consider yourself lucky
in that respect.

Lloyd in Chicago

Well, there's no letter R in
HMMWV, so the nickname humvee
is more correct. End of
argument. A hummer is a
service that has no
connection to motorized
vehicles, though it is often
a convenient means of
front-seat relaxation.

Sucksters

And here I thought I was
alone in refusing to see the
prequel Trilogy. I should
have expected as much
(little?) from you guys, but
it does cheer me to find
other people willing to take
a stand against a movie
described by one of my
friends as "Godzilla-bad."

I do have to admit, though,
that I think it would have
been fun to have shown up
opening night dressed as a
Klingon ...

Scum

Interestingly, "Godzilla-bad"
was exactly the phrase Suck's
own movie correspondent used
to describe the movie. Not to
be confused with
"Mothra-good," which is
shorthand for "a five-star
classic!!!"

Sucksters

I can't subscribe to Suck.com
anymore due to your views on
gun control and your obvious
alliance with the NRA. Pity.
Your newsletter was otherwise
entertaining and
enlightening.

But hey, I'm with Rosie. It's
easier for a ________ (teen,
ex-con, mental patient,
postal worker) to get a gun
than a case of beer. We need
to find a way to weed out
irresponsible gun owners or
to make gun owners legally
responsible. I cannot support
an organization like yours
that doesn't feel this is
true and important.

Good-bye.

<DTAILS1@aol.com>

How did you decipher all
those cryptic second
amendment references we've
been working into our text?
We especially like the one
the other day, when we
engineered our vexing
double-spaced text into an
acrostic reading: "Guns don't
kill people; Suck kills
people."

But you blew our cover. We're
just a bunch of
gun-show-running Tom
Sellecks.

Trying to figure out how to
reveal the Tetragammaton
without making a fuss,

Sucksters

when things get so big that
they turn small subatomic all
my kindness is false and
everyone knows what i want
except those who do the
conclusion is the conjecture
to come and vice versa but i
can see why so many people
need the "vice versa" part
explained all the time ni the
world

Demmy Rooster

Pretty cosmic, Demmy. Say
three Hail Marys, and we'll
see you next week.

"Ni!" Sucksters

Ad It Up

"Instead of resorting to
dubiously effective 'image
campaigns,' wherein art
directors and copywriters
resort to flashy technique
and aesthetic opulence to
cover their ignorance of what
makes a particular product
valuable to its target
market, banner ads employ
good old-fashioned."

Good old-fashioned WHAT?

Bjorn Porn
<bjorn@bjornporn.com>

Something must be wrong with
your browser. You should
downgrade to Netscape 3.0,
where all the sentences are
complete - at least when I
look at it.

Best,

Huck

As cinemaphiles have their
day in the burgeoning DVD
universe, one can also see
the possibility of banner ads
running in the black spaces
above and below letterboxed
rental movies. Imagine
continuous studio previews
running simultaneously with
that stupid Jennifer Aniston
movie your girlfriend wants
you to watch with her. That's
multitasking.

Jason Linkins
<J_Linkins@psava.com>

Jason, you are not thinking
ambitiously enough. Why wait
for the letterboxed version
when banners could be running
on movie-theater prints as
well? Or is your girlfriend
always willing to settle for
a video?

Huck

Dear Polly,

I am writing because today's
cartoon once again features
the Joey character. This is
puzzling and disconcerting.
Surely you realize that this
regular exposure in Filler
and nothing else keeps the
Duke of URL persona from
fading away into a state of
natural obscurity. I see
things this way: It is only
right that the Polly
character should make YOU
famous. You are the writer;
you deserve to be rewarded.
But Joey is the boss; he does
no work and should not,
therefore, receive the reward
of continuing fame. Are you,
by any chance, forced to
include the Joey character
into your story lines? It's
just not right.

Sincerely,

DB
<dasbobo@iname.com>

Yes. Joey is just as mean as
his cartoon, and he makes me
include his worthless
character in most of my
otherwise brilliant columns.
Luckily, Terry also resents
that menace Joey and thus
draws him with an exaggerated
hunch.

Feeling very very famous,

Polly

Hit & Run

Is it just me, or is Terry
Colon not wearing pants on
his day off?

Alex Wills
<alex@colourmax.com>

Terry likes to vacation in
temperate and cosmopolitan
regions, where the locals are
far more sophisticated than
we. We urge him to at least
don a tinkle suit, but
there's no arguing with a man
who wants to let it all hang
out. Not that it's any
business of yours what Terry
doesn't do with his pants.

Yr pal,

BarTel

I'm leaving the office for a
quick holiday, so I don't
have the time to dig for
facts, but isn't the hummer
the name of the nonmilitary
humvee? Just thought I'd ask.

Dann

Thanks for letting us know
you'll be out of the office.
Have a nice holiday.

Sucksters

While I agree that "hummer"
should only refer to an
especially vocal and
liberating blow job, the
folks at AM General might
disagree with your comment
that the car's not called a
hummer. www.hummer.com

Richard Porter
<richard@citizen1.com>

We didn't accept New Coke,
and we certainly don't have
to take the silly names AM
General gives to its assault
vehicles. We'll call its cars
hummers when it gives us each
an Abrams tank.

Sucksters

Hi Sucksters.

Thank you! Thank you! Oh my
God, thank you so much for
dishing out at least a tiny
sliver of ridicule that the
whole SUV craze deserves. Why
they couldn't come up with
these just before the oil
crises of the '70s is beyond
me, though. Nevertheless, I'm
glad we all get to live in a
GM exec's wet dream come
true. Looking at those "cool"
rides, it's easy to see how
the prom queen could confuse
a hummer with a humvee. I
guess that's the point,
right? First you get dad's
money, then you get the
humvee, then you get the
_____.

Kudos to Bauer's Limousine
Service for not giving you
the booze you wanted so
badly. I guess I shouldn't be
amazed that you were given
the hard line about the
alcohol, while your comment
about shooting threats
produced nary a blink.

As for the new Star Wars
movie, get a grip. Saying the
movie is for anyone other
than preteen males is like
China saying Kosovo is all
about Taiwan. Bitching that
the new Star Wars movie isn't
specifically designed for
(us) Gen-Xers makes you
sound like that other
self-absorbed generation.

Beep beep zip-dang!

SqueakToy2000
<gpyatt@uclink4.berkeley.edu>

We'll give you the benefit of
the doubt on this one, but
there's a central flaw in the
familiar argument, "Sure
there aren't any deep
meanings in the Star Wars
movies. But they're fun in a
childlike way. Enjoy them!"

The flaw is that the people
who make the argument are
exactly the same Star Wars fascists who
do take The Force seriously
and know the various
strength, dexterity, and
charisma levels of all the
action figures in the
universe and get a reverent
chill when Bill Moyers
discusses the theology of The
Jedi with Darth Lucas. The
ultimate example of this is
the near-universal conviction
that The Empire Strikes Back
is the best movie in the
series because it is
supposedly darker and edgier
than the others and probes
the characters' inner lives
and offers no end of
philosophical discourse.

It's the rest of us, who are
really just looking to be
entertained, who have a right
to bitch that the Star Wars
series fails to offer as much
enjoyment as Planet of the
Apes or even Paulie or, for that
matter, Jingle All the Way
(another high-potential film
ruined by the presence of
pint-sized Jake Lloyd).

As for SUVs, they're a big
target. We prefer Land
Speeders.

Yr pal,

BarTel

I just got to say that you
guys at thesuck.net are kickin
ass. But theres something
that i wanna ask ya? First a
comment, you graphixs rock,
but you page is.......sucky.
Thats wher i come into play.
My name is Dan Strabley,
(stra-be-ly), im the CEO of
fox digital media, and since
i love you page i think it
ought to be better, so if
your interested give me a
buzz.

Cheers,

dan strabley
<enrights@gridley.org>

fox digital media "welcome to
the future of smart design"

PS sory about the email
address our domain is not up
yet

sory, Dan, we thought ya were
representin Fox, but when we
found out your not, we paid a
visit to Gridley.org. Here's
what we found:

"The man responsible for
laying out Gridley - and
considered its founder - was
George Washington Kent.
Initially a surveyor for land,
agent Asahel Gridley of
Bloomington, Kent, along with
partner Thomas Carlisle,
purchased Section 4 of
Township 26, range 3, and
proceeded to form a town.
This occurred in 1856.

"In 1857, the first store in
the fledgling community was
established by James M.
Michell. In addition to
operating a general store, he
traded in land.

"Commercial aspects of
Gridley remained rooted in
and related to agriculture.
Shipping of grain was the
biggest generator of cash.
This was in turn spent in
local stores.

"Village fires that
devastated large areas were
not entirely uncommon at the
turn of the century. The same
fate befell Gridley on
Friday, May 3, 1901, with a
fury that left a sizable
share of the business
district in ashes with losses
exceeding $100,000.... Nearly
three-fourths of the
buildings between Third and
Fourth Streets adjacent to
the Center Street business
district were severely
affected by the fire and
smoke.

"The aftermath of the Gridley
fire proved the real mettle
of Gridley's citizens. It was
at this time that strong
foundational values kept the
community going. Perseverance -
courage - charity - ingenuity
- thrift - vision - and hard
work coalesced to once again
allow the business district
to be put back together.

"In 1940, Gridley had a
thriving business district
with all buildings on Center
and Third Streets occupied.

"Today Gridley is a quiet
little village with
businesses spread throughout
town. Come visit Gridley,
where yesterday's small town
pride and friendliness are
still our values today."

So we won't be needin your
services, but for our next
vacation, we're gonna make it
Gridley!

Sincerely,

Sucksters (suc-ke-sters)

The Shit

Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999 The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999 Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998 Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999 Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited) Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994 Motorhead, CD remasters, all Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998 Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998 V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999 The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998 Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999 Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art