for 23 June 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Subject: Lesley Visser

In your rendering of Lesley,
you forgot to include the
GIANT, jagged, hairspray fin
that protrudes from the side
of any Vissercoif, set in
motion by her chasing down
Elway for interviews.

Eileen Cannaday
<eileen@oven.com>

Nice! We've long been big
fans of that out-of-breath
look she gets, in her
hot-pink suit straight out of
the pages of Mademoiselle,
with matching hot-pink lipstick.

Committed to picking on the
weak and infirm,

Polly

Subject: Loser's Lounge

Dear Polly,

I have reservations to the
Loser's Lounge tribute to
ABBA this weekend. I was
hoping I could check you out
there instead of waiting for
you to appear in some media
profile. It's going to be
lots of fun.

Oh yeah, and in George some
DC twat said NYC is where men
know how to ask for dates. Do
you think that's true?

I'm sure you know how to respond.

James Harford
<jharford@weebotech.com>

Twat is an unsavory word.
Please remove it from your
limited vocabulary
immediately. I know that
won't leave you with many
word choices, but you have
to trust me on this one.

Anyway, I don't know how men
ask for dates in NYC, but I'm
pretty sure they don't say "I
was hoping I could check you
out there ..."

Breaking up is never easy, I
know, but I have to go,

Polly

That whole Filler was just an
excuse to take a cheap shot
at Karl Malone, wasn't it? As
a fan of Malone I can only
say, "How 'bout those Huskies?"

No longer your pal,

Rump
<RBerger@activision.com>

That whole Filler was just an
excuse to take a cheap shot
at Karl Malone. This whole letter
is another such excuse: How
'bout those Trailblazers?
How 'bout those Spurs? Not

that I care much now. As long
as the Jazz lose, I'm happy.

Happy,

Polly

What'll You Have?

My recent spying and buying
of my first Beer Frame
yesterday at Paul's CDs may
have nothing to do with the
fact that I am reading your
stuff again in Suck. That I
noticed a mention of Frank
Boscoe while guzzling said BF
may have everything to do
with the fact that I bussed
tables for Frank's wife
Michaela Dingle at the now
defunct Balcony.

BTW, the PBR me ASAP campaign
ran here, where the Midwest
starts — or ends — depending.

I have been enjoying
McSweeney's, Giant Robot,
Grand Royal, Suck, Salon, The
Baffler, Covert Action
Quarterly, Witness,
Boulevard, and a few photo
mags I won't delve into at
this juncture. I let my
Entertainment Weekly
subscription run out. Can you
recommend more?

Looking forward to your next issue.

Richard Engel
Pittsburgh, PA 15206

You make us sick. Please go away.

Subject: Sucking Up

To whom it may concern:

I have been an avid Suck
reader for about a year now.
Having just graduated from
Princeton, I am interested in
writing for Suck or learning
more about your involvement
with Wired.

For the past three years I
have written parodies and
satirical articles for
Princeton's Arts and Culture
weekly. I am hoping to
continue such writing for a
career. If we can't laugh at
everyone else, then we can
only laugh at ourselves.

Please reply with any
information on how I can Suck
more.

(See résumé.)

Thank you very much,

Ari Weinberg
<ariw@Princeton.edu>

We're no longer involved with
Wired. We had an affair with
Wired Digital, and Wired got
pissed and left us for Condé
Nast. Then Lycos made Wired
Digital its little bitch, and
now we're Lycos' skanky
little ho by proxy.

Anyway, congratulations on
graduating from Princeton! We
hear Princeton is a really
excellent school!

Unfortunately, we're not
hiring at this time. But go
on laughing at yourself, Ari.
We'll be laughing right along
with you.

100 Percent Real Assholes,

Sucksters

Free Fish

This is in response to the gentleman
who wrote, "Wake up, dumb
asses. Your freedom was
purchased with the so-called
[military] culture you
disparage ..." and so forth
in a recent letter to Suck.

It was my understanding that
my freedom was purchased by a
bunch of farmers and other
not-career-army, guerrilla
types a couple of hundred
years ago, but that might
just be my inaccurate, public-
school education talking.

I suppose I should be sending this
letter to <s.degnan@worldnet.att.net>,
but then I might have to have an
actual (if virtual) conversation
with someone whose views
differ from my own, and that
would be distastefully
un-American. It would be much
better all around to explain
my viewpoint to a
semi-anonymous third party,
even if said third party is
just a bunch of cranky essayists.

Rebecca Castonguay
<rcasto@trase.com>

Are we semi-anonymous to you,
Rebecca? Maybe you should
hang out more, have a few
drinks, get to know us.

If you did, you might find
out some interesting tidbits
about our backgrounds,
interests, hobbies, etc. For
example, in public school,
Mrs. Torraine taught us that
"some folk call Mongolia the
land of yurts and yogurts."
To this day, all we know
about Mongolia is that the
people there live in tents
and eat a lot of yogurt.

No wonder we're so cranky.

Sucksters

Tall Dollars Today

Kudos on "Tall Dollars
Today." About a year ago, my
friends and I (students
ourselves) set out to capitalize
on the Net hype and start our
own Net business. Being young
and all, nobody gave us any
good, useful advice, but
people couldn't help asking
if we were going to be the
next Bill Gates and when
could they invest in our
company. But you truly hit
the mark: We (like a plethora
of other start-ups) haven't
made our millions yet, and
that even prompted one of my
customers to remark, "if
you're so good, how come you
haven't made as much money as
those kids who started
Yahoo!?" Oy ...

Dan Liebling
<liebling@its.caltech.edu>

Well? How come you haven't
made as much money as those
kids who started Yahoo? Huh?
Huh? It's a perfectly good
question, one that deserves
an answer.

Don't expect us to comfort
your wussy ass if you can't
stand behind your own goddamn
business plan.

The Shit

Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999 The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999 Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998 Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999 Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited) Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994 Motorhead, CD remasters, all Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998 Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998 V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999 The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998 Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999 Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art