for 30 June 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Subject: hey jerk

I just read all the little
relationship/boy-girl fillers
that you wrote and wonder how
you think people fall in
love. or even more important
who these people are. are
they just blind to everything
that we see and understand.
or have they given up their
search. just curious.

Ben Garvin
<bjgarvin@hotmail.com>

Men to Avoid # 12: The
Condescender

Wants: To make you feel small
by sticking the word "little" in
front of all things associated
with you.

Needs: Heavy doses of bemused
ridicule

Mainly Concentrating On:
Whether or not you'll
understand that he avoids
capitalization and proper
punctuation because he thinks
grammar is totally "over."

Pros: He takes himself so
seriously that you can give
him shit about practically
everything. This makes him
very, very angry, which is
totally hilarious! It's
quick, easy fun for the whole
family!

Cons: He takes himself so
seriously that he's duller
than Florida mud.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: It
took him three painful years
of being called "Starvin'
Blow Job Garvin" to figure
out what the hell his
nickname meant.

Love,

Jerk

Subject: Austin Powers Must
Die

Hi Polly,

I hope that you are going to
write something scathing
about this Austin Powers hype
soon (after the movie's
advertising check to Suck
clears). The marketing was
vaguely funny at first but
now it just needs to stop.
The first movie sucked (no
pun intended). At least Star
Wars had three pretty good
movies to justify the hype of
this latest one.

Love,

Rusty
<rustle@bellsouth.net>

Dude. The Austin Powers
hype is better than the movie
itself. And don't tell me
the sight of Heather Graham
in that crocheted orange
thing didn't get you itching
to see it.

It's too bad they didn't just
hire a decent writer to write
in a halfway decent plot and
a few jokes that we didn't
see in the last one, because
with just one or two good,
new jokes, it would instantly
qualify as a timeless classic.
Why? Because Mike Myers as
Austin Powers is mesmerizingly
hilarious. Dispute this at
your own risk.

Scratchy,

Polly

I have yet to read one of
your Fillers that has failed
to make me roll around on the
floor with laughter (much to
my bosses' chagrin). Keep up
the good work and don't let
whatever is perpetually stuck
up your ass fall out!

Love and hugs,

Sean Munson
<SeanM@Microscript.com>

There's something perpetually
stuck up my ass? Oh my god!
No wonder I'm such a jerk!

My floors are really dirty.
Could I maybe invite you
over, dress you in polar
fleece, dip you in Murphy's
Oil Soap, and then show you
one of my Fillers? How long
do you generally roll around
on the floor? Your head isn't
by any chance thin and flat
enough to shove under my
couch, is it?

Leave your chagrined bosses
behind. I'll take you away
from all that and you can
come and work for me, Polly.
You could be one of Polly's
Angels. Do you have man
titties? Should we get you
seducing people? Or are you
more of a no-nonsense, Kate
Jackson type of guy?

Let me know and I'll see if
we have an opening in that
category.

Your new daddy,

Polly

Subject: Books with breasts
on the cover.

So you're buying lesbian porn
now?

I thought the upside of being
gay was that you always got
laid. Maybe it's not as good
to be a gay woman.

Talk to you later.

Till then, take care of
yourselves ... and each
other.

Joe!
<jhammerm@astro.ocis.temple.edu>

We always take care of each
other here, Joe. You'd be
taken care of, too, if you
were an angel. I treat all my
angels with the utmost
respect and care.

Can you open beer bottles
with your teeth?

Just wondering,

Polly

Hey, Carson! I really like
Korn! Could you play the new
Deftones?

D. B. Cooper
<bluedave@hotmail.com>

No, but you can choke on my
9-inch, blue-veined thumper.

Carson

But since you mentioned John
Waters, I'm assuming you're a
fan. And since I just saw
Pecker and thought it was one
of the most boring movies
I've ever sat through, I
thought I'd ask: Is that his
worst movie ever? Or should I
not even bother with the
rest?

<eric99@hawaii.rr.com>

I'm a fan of the written
Waters. I've seen only a few
of his movies, and none of
them were nearly as good as
Crackpot or Schlock Therapy,
two books he wrote.

Happy reading,

Huck

Fresh Kills is in Staten
Island, sir. However, given
that most of Long Island is a
trash heap as well, I can
forgive this mistake.

Benjamin Rothfeld
<Benjamin.Rothfeld@thinkinc.com>

Whenever I write a piece that
seems destined not to inspire
much response, I always throw
in a glaring error to ensure
at least a few emails.

Thanks for noticing.

Best,

Huck

How could you get through
that entire essay on
recycling our garbage and not
provide links to the Mind
Uploading Home Page or
Transhuman.com? Isn't the
whole concept of post-
humanism a prime example
of the recycling frenzy gone
too damn far?

Reading the latest issue of
Transmetropolitan,

David J. Warner
Durham, NC
<manchild@ntrnet.net>

Wouldn't anyone with a brain
so intelligent that its value
outlasted its host's life
span forsake the Mind
Uploading Page and sell it
via eBay?

Huck

I hate to be such a pest, but
as someone who lives in
Manhattan and grew up on Long
Island (a place where a
landfill would improve the
social and cultural
atmosphere), I feel compelled
to correct you. New York City
dumps its garbage on Staten
Island, not Long Island. LI
needs a few more mass murders
to thin out the ranks of
money-grubbing, wannabe
commuters who work, live, and
spend like they are being
forced against their will to
be inconsiderate, dress and
act stupidly, cut in line,
cut off other motorists with
zeal, and make snide, incorrect,
and unreasonable assumptions
about everything from
minorities to cultural
phenomena. But Long Island is
not the hole that Staten Island
is and always will be. Long
Island is a hole unto itself.
Staten Island's Landfill will
be closed, but the garbage
keeps flowing into Manhattan
all day long. The Staten
Island Ferry keeps dredging
and dumping fecal matter in
business suits onto the
shores of Lower Manhattan
daily, thus ensuring a steady
stream of idiot office
workers to be the fourth and
fifth string of Wall Street
back-office staff. When they
are finished spewing their
trash all over lower
Manhattan, they head uptown
to nightclubs in the hope of
intimidating doormen and
insulting/assaulting revelers
they drunkenly mistake for
celebrities, who they then
determine are "fags" worthy
of bashing. Think of Staten
Island as the armpit of white,
bigoted Brooklyn and you will
understand why garbage gets
dumped there. Peace.

Timothy Kirk
<timmmyk@rocketmail.com>

Peace!

Huck

The Shit

Left for Dead in Malaysia, Neil Hamburger, Drag City, 1999 The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, Mark Dery, Grove/Atlantic, 1999 Crazy from the Heat, David Lee Roth, Hyperion, 1998 Keep It Like a Secret, Built to Spill, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999 Abbott's Pizza Company, near the corner of Abbott-Kinney and California, Venice Beach, Los Angeles (delivery hours limited) Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Pink Floyd, CD remaster, EMI 1994 Motorhead, CD remasters, all Det Som Engang Var, Burzum, Misanthropy, 1998 Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park, Nashville, Tennessee A History of the Modern Fact, Mary Poovey, University of Chicago Press, 1998 V., Thomas Pynchon, HarperCollins Publishers, 1999 The Coffee Mill, Emeq Refaim, Jerusalem, Israel The Salesman and Bernadette, Vic Chesnutt, Capricorn Records, 1998 Good Morning Spider, Sparklehorse, Cema/Capitol, 1999 Third Floor, Anderson Building, Los Angeles County Museum of Art