for 9 July 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

How stupid. I think we should
get rid of some of those
other idiotic Judeo-Christian
laws we still have on the
books. Like presumption of
innocence and everyone being
equal in the sight of the law.

Why do we still cling to
these unworkable beliefs?

Thomas Vaught
<TVaught@Quark.Com>

This Judeo-Christ guy sure
gets credit for a lot of
things he didn't invent.
Presumption of innocence and
equality before the law owe
far more to the atheists and
deists who founded our
country than they do to the
(presumably Jewish) priests
and (presumably Catholic)
rabbis who made these
Judeo-Christian rules of
order.

Subject: At the risk of
disagreeing with your
optimism, my humble
opinion ...

This new zine brought to us
by Starbucks is, I assume,
trying to find a niche in the
already Slate-and-Salon-
crammed market of
neutral-colored magazine
sites peppered with such
superfluities as "Our list of
the best-looking movies of
all time" and a passionate
endorsement of something
called "The Future Looms ...
one of the most powerful
sites on the Web. At least we
think so." Well, I'm convinced.

A further poke through the
few active links available at
press time revealed more
catatonia-inducing articles
such as a "conversation" (I
guess the words "interview"
and "rant" have seen their
glory days in Web-based
publications) between two
writers about who is more
trusting: men or women.
I've seen more intriguing
battle-of-the-sexes dialog in
Seventeen Magazine's prom
night issue.

The most amazing thing about
their soothing sand-and-sea
color scheme and their
retro-'50s kitchen graphics is
that, in combination with the
mind-numbing copy, they form
an almost perfect online
simulation of a natural
sedative. I don't know
whether this is a tragic
miscalculation in targeting
the caffeine-junkie
demographic or if it's the
most brilliant Web-marketing
strategy I've ever seen, but
the longer I remained in the
abysmal Joeworld, the
sleepier I felt. Almost as if
I needed some kind of a boost
... something not quite out
of reach.

To my relief, right there on
every page next to various
insipid email feedback
requests asking such burning
questions as "What's your
favorite travel book?," was
my answer ... the ubiquitous,
indispensible Starbucks
locator! Just type in your
address, choose USA or
Canada, hit Submit, and
receive your five closest
results ... or, for those of
you in need of a quicker fix,
go outside and turn right.

A. O'Neill
<mistresscosmos@hotmail.com>

You're probably right. We
just get tired of listening
to ourselves complain about
everything. It happened to be
Joe's turn when our special
"Say something nice" day came
around.

I have lived in Seattle for
the last 15 years. A horribly
politically correct city. I
go to Starbucks twice a day.
The young staff responded
thusly when I asked, "Do you
get discounted Joe
subscriptions?" — "Only
if we can prove our homes
don't have fireplaces."

Les in Seattle

When I tried to buy my copy,
the staff didn't even
recognize the magazine,
although it was displayed
about 6 feet from the cash
register — which makes me
wonder how well it's selling.

Sucksters:

Things I would like to see in
upcoming issues of Joe, the
Official Magazine of Starbucks:

- Nude photos of the editors
   of Maxim
- Alan Greenspan fan fiction
- Political commentary from
   Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist
- An interview with Tony Danza
   conducted by Stephen Hawking
- Recipes for cookies and pies
- Shiny things
- Humorous puzzles like they
   have on place mats at diners
- A photomontage of life in a
   Chicago meatpacking plant

Rob Seulowitz
<rss2@idt.net>

You're our winner. Thanks for
your suggestions regarding Joe.

Polly:

Why do the Backstreet Boys
sing that they want it "that
way" in their song "I Want It
That Way"? What is that way?
Why are they boys who prefer
the backstreet? Is this the
same as that country music
song that asks for help
"plowing the dirt road"? Are
there other song lyrics you
can help your fans puzzle
through?

A curiously strong
peppermint,

Tyler

I'm not sure about that way,
or, uh, that one, Tyler.
There are certainly other
lyrics I can help my fans
plow — er, puzzle
through. In fact, I just
heard "Closer to Fine" on
G105, a delightfully
unpredictable yet predictably
cheesy pop station in Durham,
North Carolina. I got stuck on
these lyrics: "I spent four
years prostate to the higher
mind, got my paper and I was
free!" I suddenly realized she
meant she had prostate cancer
in a former life until a skilled
medical doctor removed the
tumor or whatever (in medical
lingo known as giving the
patient her papers, as in,
her walking papers)! It all
came together, all at once!

Even my sweat smells dirty,

Polly

Dear Polly,

I can't believe your
shameless product tie-in of
eTranslate in the 23 June
1999 Filler. I mean, it's bad
enough Suck is marked up like
a fucking race car. Don't get
me wrong; we all need to make
a buck. And personally, I've
never felt selling out is
necessarily bad per se, but
the fact that you wrote your
entire Filler around the need
to promote some company that
slipped you this week's beer
money means your once-quality
writing suffers, which in
turn means all your loyal
readers suffer along with it.
This incident has vanquished
the last flame of idealism
left in my young, frail mind.
Following Suck's promotional
trend to its logical
conclusion, I expect to
return to the site five years
from now and find nothing but
a big Nike swoosh.

Waiting anxiously for Suck's
IPO,

Owen Li
<eatakane@hotmail.com>

I've always thought it would
be cool to do a cartoon in
Japanese since, you know, I
have this Keroppi wallet I
really like and I've always
liked sushi a lot, and my old
roommate Saren Sakurai was
(and still is) half-Japanese.
But my dream seemed
impossible until a good
friend of mine, Jon, launched
eTranslate. I had my doubts
about turning to Jon for my
translation needs, but he
told me eTranslate is the
Internet's Leading
Translation Service. Boy, was
I impressed! My sincere
apologies if my link to
eTranslate, the Internet's
Leading Translation Service,
offends your deeply held
beliefs or chips away at your
faith in humanity in any way.

You see, Jon was my boss at
The Red Herring — he
basically got me this job by
agreeing to say I was the
copy editor there if anyone
from Suck called (see The
History of Filler). See how
lying gets you ahead in life,
kiddies? Anyway, once again,
my sincere apologies for
undermining your values by
returning Jon's favor, Owen.
I can't tell you how sorry I
am if my mentioning the fine
people at eTranslate upsets
you or calls into question
some of your core ideologies.
C'est la vie! (If you don't
understand that last part,
that's French ... for an
accurate, affordable
translation, check out
eTranslate, the Internet's
Leading Translation Service.)

Thanks for writing!

Polly

Subject: Terry's Obsession

I think Terry Colon might be
growing obsessive about you,
Polly. When you mentioned in
your column that Terry is
kind in his drawing of you, I
began to wonder if he was
always so kind. So I went
back to look at older
drawings of you in Suck.

First, the Heather Havrilesky
picture on the Fish page is
downright plain. You could be
a longhaired boy jumping up
and down.

Then in a November 1996
Filler, you were drawn in a
less plain fashion, though
still with straight hair, an
empty look, featureless
clothing, and a squiggle for
a chin.

By March 1997 your hair
became more detailed, your
eyes more expressive, and
your body gained a female
form.

Come October 1998, you
have the ponytail and
your clothes start to get
details like buttons and
patterns.

Now, in mid-1999, your
hairstyle is much more
dramatic, your shape is much
fuller — nearly
voluptuous — and your
chin is actually a feature on
your head beyond a simple
squiggle.

Compare this to Joey, who has
remained a hunchbacked
Quasimodo in the black
sweater since Day One.

What conclusions should we
"draw" from this?

Looking forward to many more
Wednesday Fillers,

John MacW

Well, that one's easy. I'm
getting more and more
beautiful, while Joey remains
hideously ugly. Next question?

Speaking of drawing
conclusions, consider
stepping away from your
computer and taking a little
stroll in the sunshine. How
do you think my eyes got so
expressive overnight?

Well, OK, it was the drugs.

Oh well. Forget it. In fact,
stay right where you are. And
while you're there, maybe you
should check out eTranslate.

Many features on my head,

Polly

Hit & Run

Dear Sucksters,

First off, I have to say the
Suck skin is a winner. What
more would I like to see upon
starting up my browser, set to
go to my Lycos sticky portal,
than an ugly, green-and-yellow
theme replete with fish,
barrel, and smoking gun?
Nothing more, thank you. Too
bad none of you were on the
design team. Then it could
have been a really great
product. Terry Colon would
have done wonders, anyway.

Hit & Run No. CLXXV was, to
say the least, hit and miss.
Please, feel free to ridicule
the creator of the universe.
God must be pissed at you. To
be serious (and by serious I
don't mean Suck's traditional
mindless and biting
social commentary), your article
was way off. Regardless of
whether you believe in God or
not, Suckers (er, Sucksters),
you cannot deny the fact that
contained in the Bible is a
clear guide to right and
wrong and that is the Ten
Commandments. OK, so you
ignore the first four (if you
don't believe in the whole
God thing): no other god but
God, don't worship idols,
don't curse with the Lord's
name [keep the sabbath
holy — ed.]. What you
have left are some easy-to-
understand statements of right
and wrong. Honor your parents
(not obey, honor), don't
kill, don't cheat on your
wife/husband, don't steal,
don't lie, and don't covet
your friends' stuff. These are
pretty good guidelines to me.
So there are some strange
things like kill all witches
(Exodus 22:18) and three
pages of animal property laws
— don't cook a young goat
in its mother's milk (Exodus
23:17). But these are
the exceptions. Who knows
what witches were 3,000 years
ago? Maybe they were serial
killers. And maybe animal
property was a hot issue. And
the goat thing — who knows?
But then there are the good
things: Don't take bribes,
don't charge interest for
loans (bankers hate that
one), don't oppress foreigners,
return to an enemy what property
is his, etc. What about
the Ten Commandments in
school? It worked 50 years
ago. No school shootings
then; just the end of one war
and the beginning of another.
Let's put the Bible back in
school. At least the kids
will have something to talk
about.

Nick Leali
<leali.1@osu.edu>

Four out of the 10 are rules
we should ignore just so we
can impart some clear guides
to the few stragglers who
haven't yet figured out that
murder, theft, lying, and
adultery are frowned on in
polite society? Sixty percent
is a failing grade, even in
American public schools.

As noted by Matt Drudge (and
unfortunately not picked up
by anybody else), the
bloodiest school massacre in
American history took place
during the 1920s. You'd
better try again.

BarTel

Dear Suck,

It was kind of nice to see
Suck get shot down by the
legal counsel for a Bible
organization. I thought you
took the fall with some
grace, swallowing your pride
and accepting that
self-righteous, predictable,
smugly "ironic" prose usually
is empty and ridiculous.
Thanks for your implicit
admission (however reluctant)
that having the right to
endorse religious values
doesn't neccesarily mean
we'll all be forced to nail
ourselves to fucking crosses.

A faithful reader,

Claire Barliant
<cbarliant@hotmail.com>

Maybe not, but your cutesy
language about "the right to
endorse religious values" has
nothing to do with Congress
singling out a specific piece
of religious dogma for
approval — a pretty clear
violation of the First
Amendment rule that Congress
can't establish a state
religion and the reason why
this feel-good measure will
undoubtedly be shot down by
the Supreme Court. It's a
point I would have brought up
with my pal Eidsmoe if I had
seen any potential for comedy
coming out of it.

Empty and ridiculous,

Sucksters

The Shit

"Gary's Trajectory," A Wanderer in the Perfect City, Lawrence Weschler, Hungry Mind Press, 1998 The Parallax View, Alan J. Pakula, Paramount Pictures DVD, 1974 Rogues to Riches: The Trouble with Wall Street, Murray Teigh Bloom, Putnam,1971 Actual Air, David Berman, Open City Books, 1999 Tibor Kalman: Perverse Optimist, Peter Hall and Michael Bierut, editors, Princeton Architectural Press, 1998 Canary-wing parrots, Dolores Street, San Francisco Super Shitty to the Max, Hellacopters, Man's Ruin Records, 1998 Request magazine (any issue after June 1999) On the Road to Vietnam, Bob Hope, Cadet 4046 vinyl, 1964 The Flying Ballerina, Drums and Tuba, TEC Tones, 1998 Dino, Nick Tosches, Delta Alpha Publishing, 1999 The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips, WEA/Warner Brothers, 1999 Big Red soda