for 8 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Are We Not Men? Moleman: That essay of yours was all too easy. It's a cinch to attack backwoods Kansas rednecks for everything but the very issue that's at stake. Your piece neither contributed one iota of valuable information to the increasingly legitimate debate between evolution and alternative theories, nor did it say anything unusually new or funny about Kansas rednecks. Instead, you joined the 95 percent of commentators who stuck their heads up their asses in order to present their near-complete ignorance of the subject as erudite indignation. By not referencing a single article, journal, book, expert, or resource that's gone into this century-old debate, you prove yourself to be one of the mindless millions willing to march to the propagandistic drum of mass media and public education. Worst of all would be if you fell for the newly minted illusion that it's really not about evolution versus creation but local versus federal control. Start with Phillip Johnson's Darwin on Trial. As a writer, you'll especially appreciate it since it deals with the way arguments are constructed. Then go from there: Johnson provides enough bibliography to get as deep into the issue as you care to. Then write something about Kansas' decision that's worth reading. Regards, The FedEx Truck Conspiracy Joe Sixpack <fedextruck@hotmail.com> If my essay didn't contribute one iota to the "increasingly legitimate" debate, that's A-OK with me. As for the increasingly legitimate debate between pretentious, pseudo-urbane rednecks armed with spurious references to phony scholarship (on the one hand) and the real world (on the other), I'm happy to do whatever I can. Yrs, Hans Moleman  You have a way with words; it's fun to read. I feel what really matters is that truth be taught in our schools, not opinions or conjecture or a loosely defined hypothesis such as evolution. Science known to be fact should be taught - not opinions. Clearly biologists and the like have gone hook, line, and sinker for evolution: But then where would biology be without it? Nowhere but where it belongs: describing phyla, body parts, etc. I haven't met a biologist yet that I consider a scientist. I'm sick of turning on TLC programs and hearing them weave this yarn about evolution around everything. It's all storytelling and it's hindering scientists from really getting to the facts. Thanks for your article, Garry <newman_apti@earthlink.net> You're right about the biologists' conspiracy to make themselves important by positing a phony theory that explains the greatest mystery in nature and is supported by every branch of science. Theologians are the only real scientists, for my money, along with law professors and televangelists. Now if only we could get a bumper sticker to show those biology clowns how we feel! Yrs, Hans Moleman Praise for the Great Kornholio Subject: Damn It, Mommy, this Couscous Is Bullshit! I just wanted to let you know that you can all take a permanent vacation, because there's only one thing that makes me read Suck every weekday, and that's Alan S. Kornheiser. Who is this Alan S. Kornheiser? What is he, that all his swains do command thee? I heard he was a doctor; his mother must be proud. What does the "S." stand for (if you know)? I would email him myself, but I'm afraid he might not respect me in the morning. If he were Catholic and had a confirmation name he didn't let us know about, such as Sam or Scheherazade, then he could be referred to as A. S. S. Kornheiser! Fantastic. Please ask Terry to draw more rabbits. Ken Harris <kharris@cwtel.com> Well, in that case, we will publish his latest letter. Never let them say we refused to give them that for which they whined incessantly. the Sucksters Subject: Devo-lution The problem of Kansas is but a symptom of a wider problem, one that can be seen in urban slums, in nonfunctional states (such as Somalia), and among tenured professors of English. Partially, it is a function of natural law; it appears that like matter and energy, stupidity is a conserved quantity. And when one reduces it in one place, it pops up in another; this week, it emerged in Kansas and in Ames, Iowa (where, you recall, many Republicans recently gathered to eat pork and praise Jesus and ethanol). The more serious issue is that there are now restrictions on society's ability to allow nature to take its course. At one time, disorganized societies incapable of supporting themselves (again, one thinks of Somalia and tenured professors) would have been conquered by better organized neighbors. Historically, this has been a bloody and nasty business, but it provided effective real-world feedback. We don't do this any more. Instead, through the miracles of modern technology, we allow dysfunctional societies to leech the resources and development of their better-organized neighbors and ask little in return. This is a lousy deal all around. Dysfunctional societies stay on life support and get no better. Functional societies become angry, embittered, and frustrated. The constant friction between the two — since functional societies are invariably nicer places to live — creates all manner of problems. The "good old days," when lesser breeds without the law were civilized with a Krag (an early ancestor of the M-1 carbine), were free from these difficulties. What does this have to do with Kansas and why all this reactionary blather? Essentially, it has become possible for a state like Kansas (or ones like Saudi Arabia or Kuwait) to opt out of the 20th century without paying the price, because its neighbors will continue to produce what it needs. Such states need only export a few basics, easily produced without an educated or motivated work force, and import the fruits of their better organized neighbors. Once, states this wealthy and this stupid would have lasted only as long as it took their neighbors to raise armies. Now they go on forever. I have absolutely no idea what to do about any of this. Fortunately, there is no evidence that people in Kansas (or anywhere else) have ever been greatly affected by what they were taught in high school biology, so perhaps we needn't worry too much. Alan S. Kornheiser The doctor is IN <askornheiser@prodigy.net> An excellent bit of prose, as usual. Have you considered publishing a collection of your letters to Suck, perhaps titled, "Wisdom from the Keyboard of the Great Kornholio" or simply, "The Doctor Is In"? Wait. We would own the rights to such a collection since we published the letters here. So, uh, forget we mentioned it — that is, until we call you to schedule the (unpaid) book tour. Hell, we haven't paid you yet, why start now? The adoration and respect paid by your readers should be reward enough for your labors. Disrespectfully yours, and only yours, baby, the Sucksters Tommy Davidson Has Left the Building I just read Suck.com for the first time tonight. I was thoroughly impressed: It was thoroughly funny! Your writing is reminiscent of a Dennis Miller Live-esque rant. Have you ever written for a show like that? It's good stuff; keep it coming. I'll be reading Suck.com often now. <mintoir@mail.com> While I am a fan of Dennis Miller's long-distance commercials, I've never actually watched his show, much less written for it. Although if he offered me a job, I would of course pretend to be a fan from way back. Keep thinking, Huck Are We Not Men? Thank you. That was the sort of biting, relentless, over-my-friend's-head fare I expect from Suck. Einstein X. Mystery <einstein@scn.org> Dear Einstein, Who is your friend? We're not doing our jobs if there is anyone who we have not written down to. Yrs, Hans Moleman Mr. Moleman, Suck dot com doesn't usually suck, but it does today. Kansas public schools will not teach evolution. So what? If you come out of any public school system knowing nothing outside of the curriculum, you might be qualified for the you-want-fries-with-that? squadron. Or you might end up cataloging a bunch of medieval and Roman belief systems without saying something relevant at all and passing it off as a Suck.com editorial. Well, you might, but it wouldn't be interesting. As pissed off at nothing as anyone, Pete <pxobryan@yahoo.com> Dear Pete, I'm not sure I get exactly what you mean? Are you saying that menial jobs and the writing of Suck dailies are equivalent pursuits? Judging by the pay, you may be right. But you can hardly blame my public school education for that. Not teaching evolution is every bit as stupid as not teaching mythology, writing, or for that matter, the art of working a cash register. Anyway, why shouldn't I pass off my ignorance as a Suck editorial? You passed off yours as a Suck letter. Yrs, Hans Moleman |
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