for 15 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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We Are the World Weary I love Filler. It is one of the many things that make my menial job with unlimited Internet access somewhat more bearable, and my uncontrollable snickering keeps my co-workers wondering all day long. I look forward to every Wednesday, with its hearty injection of cynical world-weariness and subsequent resolution brought to me by a master of the editorial. Thank you, thank you, a million times, thank you! Vyeto Malesh <Vytautas.Malesh@fanucrobotics.com> I think it's really nice how a lot of readers think that their laughing and snickering out loud has their co-workers wondering what's so funny. People tend to picture their co-workers sitting around all curious, trying to solve the big mystery. It's more likely your co-workers are grinding their nails into the bottoms of their desks at the unbearably familiar sound of your laughter. More likely, they're squeezing their eyes shut and thinking, "GOD if that guy laughs his stupid laugh one more time, I'm going to go over there and punch the living daylights out of him." Now there's a hearty injection of cynical world-weariness that might just make you sick rather than inoculating you against nihilism. Heartily, Polly  Marla, Marla, Marla This installment of Suck kicks ass!! I know Steve. I've seen Steve. At times I have been Steve. But what about Marla? You know, the short, brown-haired girl who takes some type of attitude no matter what you say? Marla, the girl who was cute enough to go out with but not cute enough to stay with? Marla, the girl who snickers and tells stories of how she was too good for you when you dated her but begins to cry when you introduce her to your wife and three kids? Keep up the good work. David Kolb <dkolb@tweisel.com> Are you certain Marla wasn't cute enough to stay with, or was she not docile enough to stay with? Did she take some type of attitude no matter what you said, or was she too smart not to have a critical opinion about almost everything, however irritating that might have been for ye of differing opinions? Was Marla crying because she was jealous of your wife and those three beautiful children, or was she crying because one of your spoiled brats threw dust into her eyes? Aw, forget it. I trust you. Marla sounds awful. Steve, on the other hand, is a face in a mystery cloud. Steve is the magnet and you ladies are the steel. Steve cries like a child but he's always a woman to me. Polly Take Off Polly, No. Making fun of Canadians will never, ever get old. Honestly, I don't like to make sweeping generalizations about any culture (OK, I do). I have nothing against Canada. I even have a couple of friends who are Canadian. All I know is that every single Canadian I've ever met and gotten to know (and there have been quite a few) have been a few fries short of a full Happy Meal, including my Canuck friends. I suppose, if you can judge people based on their associations (which I do, so I just assume everybody else does too), that this doesn't say too much about the strength of my own faculties, but it doesn't change the fact that getting our maple-leaf worshipping neighbors to the north all riled up with simple and seemingly harmless references to their lack of a real government or their lame television programming or their cute little not-quite-English, not-quite-American accents or ... gee, this list could go on for quite a while. Anyway, the point is, pissing them off is just dang funny. I'm not sure yet if it's so funny because it's so easy, or because their attempts at comebacks are always so lame, or if the humor operates on a more base and metaphorical level, something along the lines of the football team making fun of the marching band and relentlessly reminding them that they'll never be as popular because no matter how many contests they win or how many national parades they march in they'll never be heralded in quite the same way — or at all, for that matter. Nah, I'm pretty sure it's the first one. So please don't ever stop making fun of Canadians. I sure won't. Mainstream or not, it will always be funny. Still bitter over that one marching band incident, Jean Cousins Wow. I'm gonna do you a big favor, Jean, and refrain from printing your email address. Certain people are gonna be plenty pissed aboot your email, that's for sure. But perhaps you've forgotten that Terrence and Phillip are Canadian, and that Shredded Wheat is made in Niagara Falls, the prettier side of which belongs to the Canadians. And where, I ask, would Hawaiian pizza be without Canadian bacon? Time to rethink those hasty remarks, Jean. Polly Subject: So, how many Canadians have you met in your life? I'd like to know, before I comment on your pathetic attempt at trying to mask your country's ignorance, horny president, and racism, how many Canadians have you met? How many times have you been to Canada? Did you know that it only snows on the coldest winter days? We get as much snow as you do. We invented electricity. Nicole Griffiths <ndgriffiths@ home.com> By insulting Canadians like you on a regular basis, we've met more Canadians than you probably have. But we've got to give you serious props for inventing electricity. What an amazing invention! How'd you guys dream that one up? Do you still hold the patent on it? And how did Benjamin Franklin get so much credit for discovering electricity when you guys flat-out invented it? the Sucksters Sucking Again and Again Subject: Yeah, You Still Suck I had no idea that I have been reading you since the beginning. I remember back when I used to use you for my homepage in corporate America back in '95 so I could say to everyone who cared to snoop, "Yeah, that's right. I read Suck everyday, so I am not quite like the rest of you corporate stooges." Now that I am safely back in my adopted homeland of Australia, and have the teat of the government cash cow clamped squarely between my incisors, I find myself still reading. Could it be that the missives of the pissy Polly and the great cartoons by Terry have me somehow addicted? Maybe I am just reading on until the day when I actually get all the references made in any one column. Keep the pipe moving, Sucksters, and we'll check the balance sheet in another four years. Cheers, Sucking from the Other Side You'll never get all the references! Not if we can help it! Have another popover, froggy! Polly Subject: Re: More Depressing News Here's something that sucks. Just last year a small, beautiful child, winner of multiple Miss Young Texas beauty pageants, was brutally raped and murdered by some guy. JonBenet Ramsey was a good girl who contributed to beauty pageants. The man accused of the crime is a real creep. He probably doesn't like niggers, either. Every one of us has the right to live in peace and safety if we are doing no harm in this world. I enjoy flying kites. After her death, we wanted to remember her and to pay tribute to the positive things she had done in this world. We made a Web site with multiple photos of her dressed like a slut at preteen beauty pageants around the world, flash-cut with lurid descriptions of her rape and murder. I hope you enjoy it. Demmy Rooster <root@treehouse.dyndns.org> Thanks, Demmy! It's reassuring to know we're still the most popular site among the mentally disturbed! Disturbed and disturbing, the Sucksters Subject: Get your spot!!! We Are the Millionaires in Pajamas! We sit around in pajamas and robes and make more money than most people dream about. Would you like to see yourself in this picture? If so, please reply with "info" in the subject line. Judy <unouno@postmaster.co.uk> We see ourselves in that picture, all right. We have nappy hair and smelly armpits and we're dizzy from eating cold pizza and watching the food channel for days on end. Why does everyone think it's so great to sit around in their jammies all the time? It's incredibly depressing. Depressed already, the Sucksters Subject: Apple Subscription Confirmation Thank you for subscribing to Apple eNews, our free, bi-weekly email publication. You have subscribed as suck@thesuck.net. Every other week, we'll send you a newsletter that will keep you informed about Apple products and technologies, promotions you might find interesting, and news from our partners — developers who extend the capabilities of Macintosh with great hardware products and software applications. Thanks again. And I hope you enjoy Apple eNews. Frank Editor, Apple eNews <Apple_eNews-list @applenews.lists.apple.com> Frank, Do you know how depressing it is to stay informed about Apple products and technologies when your Apple computer crashes every three seconds? We love Apple as much as the next sucker, and loathe Windows more than mealworms, but when push comes to shove, our love is more of a liability than anything else. It's like loving Woody Allen. Strong devotion turns to utter repulsion every time we're faced with today's Woody. But what can we do? Manhattan and the salad days of the Apple linger in our memories like a Gershwin tune. And now we want one of those tangerine laptops. What's the world coming to? Even more depressed, the Sucksters |
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